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seabreezeblue
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some half formed thoughts..
   Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:16 pm

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

flashbacks..

Permanent Linkby seabreezeblue on Tue Nov 18, 2014 9:30 am

Emotional flashbacks..

Okay.. so for the last week my mood has been rapidly slipping downhill..

Today, I've realised that either i'm caught up in the middle of an insanely strong emotional flashback.. or I've got SAD.. or both.
who knows..

What I do know though is that I've been in floods of tears all morning so I need to start challenging my thoughts and feelings..

So.. How to do that with c-PTSD is the question and I suppose the other question is.. How to even recognise that I'm caught up in an emotional flashback in the first place.

I guess that one of the difficulties of the aspergers is that I tend to forget that I need to process all my emotional stuff before it builds up to unhealthy levels..

so.. resources for emotional flashback issues and c-PTSD..?

I've been looking for the last ten minutes online to see what i can find (well, it's either that or carry on sobbing all day)..

Next bit has been stolen from here; http://www.psychotherapy.net
[quote]Because most emotional flashbacks do not have a visual or memory component to them, the triggered individual rarely realizes that she is re-experiencing a traumatic time from childhood. Psychoeducation is therefore a fundamental first step in the process of helping clients understand and manage their flashbacks. Most of my clients experience noticeable relief when I explain Complex PTSD to them. The diagnosis resonates deeply with their intuitive understanding of their suffering. When they recognize that their sense of overwhelm initially arose as a normal instinctual response to their traumatic circumstances, they begin to shed the belief that they are crazy, hopelessly oversensitive, and/or incurably defective.[/quote]

^^ absolutely..
At times like this, it's so so difficult to understand that i'm suffering from emotional flashbacks..
they creep in slowly for me, over the course of a week or so and i don't realise that i'm in one until i'm crying and feeling very very small.. helpless again.

How to get through them is the issue though..

the article states that to get through them, the ''inner critic'' has to be managed..

Agreed.. my inner critic today is telling me that i'm useless and worthless.. that I should feel small because I am.
But, how much of this is grounded in reality and how much of this is grounded in the past instead..?
How much of my feeling of worthlessness and feeling small and helpless comes from all those times that i was told i was..?
I have no idea atm..

So.. the site also tells me to write down some things to help challenge these thoughts and feelings.. things to give to the inner critic and show them that they're wrong..

so..
Last edited by seabreezeblue on Wed Nov 26, 2014 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

blah.. *tw*

Permanent Linkby seabreezeblue on Sun Nov 16, 2014 12:57 pm

Simply blah..

I wonder how many child abusers around the world tell themselves that their behaviour is okay..?
I know right at the moment that there's at least one.

Justifying absolutely every action and somehow blaming it on the child.

Apparently I was an awful child..
Perhaps someone can explain to me what's so bad about a child that tries to be helpful all the time and stays in her room reading book after book after book because books are kind and gentle.. they don't hurt you or shout.
They don't force you to go into school with dirty clothes on and they don't force you to eat food that went past its edible phase quite a while back.

They don't throw you out when you have no-where to go either.. nor make you wander the streets from the moment you get out of bed because they can't even deal with you in the same house.
They don't ignore your pleas that you don't want to go out again because the boy down the road keeps touching you and forcing you to do stuff..
The books didn't tell me to deal with it and not come crying to them again.

Yep, because apparently a nice, quiet child is a bad child.

As for my teenage years.. I didn't go through a ''teenage phase'' - I spent my teen years desperately trying to hold it all together when everything was swirling around in my mind at night and my stomach was hurting me with how hungry i was.


So.. meh.. I'll quit here but you know..

yep.. i'll just quit here.

I'm too upset to make this even remotely an approvable blog entry if i carry on.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

mood swings..

Permanent Linkby seabreezeblue on Mon Sep 15, 2014 10:50 pm

Or bungee jump.. yep, ''bungee jump'' fits better than ''swings''.

So; i'm going to give up saying when i'm feeling rough.. or maybe just stick to a once a day report.. at least that way i'm not going to annoy people.
I'll have to make my own rule here regarding what's acceptable to discuss and how many times a day/week because i simply don't have a clue what the social rituals or expectations are here..

Today i woke up headachey but feeling okay.. most of the day was good and some great bits in there as well.
Okay; lots of great bits actually, i'm smiling again now as i remember.
then this evening i start to feel rough again.. until now of course when i'm slightly more cheerful but have a depressed weight on my head again.


I may just label my moods according to plants.. in a good mood i could go with ''Sunflower.. my face lifted smiling to the sun''
feeling shy? = no worries; i can go with ''snowdrop.. face shyly tilted down''
Feeling rough..?
hmnn.. not sure i have one for feeling rough at the moment.. could go with weeping willow i suppose; ''weeping to the rhythm of the sea''

feeling insecure and in need of a hug..? = no worries, i can try out ''Burr.. clinging to your leg but gently so you can't see'' or ''thistle.. looking spiky but get past the pointy bits and i'm vulnerable''

Feeling cross..? hmnn.. ah; actually.. anyone seen that old film ''the little shop of horrors''?
Love that Triffid..
or;
meh.. i'm all out of thoughts.

hugs to all

xx
Last edited by seabreezeblue on Mon Sep 15, 2014 11:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Rough night..

Permanent Linkby seabreezeblue on Sat Sep 06, 2014 9:44 am

Note to self; there is nothing quite as weird and disconcerting in the morning than being dragged out of a nightmare by the phone ringing because the person from your nightmare is phoning you :shock:


Urghh.. I seem to find it really difficult to pull myself up properly into consciousness in the mornings..

I was having a really bad dream and I'd just said something to someone that devastated them.. I saw the look on her face and felt instantly awful.. I really wished that i had never said what i'd said and then tried to apologise to her.. to comfort her..
I just wanted to take it back.. but i couldn't because it was done :cry:

But; i needed to tell her because if i didn't, then there would have always been a wall between us.. a void that i can't fill and i can't cross without hurting her in the process..
But, is it worth hurting her in the hope that the consequences of speaking will also close the gap between us..? I don't see how it could be..
I don't even know if she's aware of the void between us.. maybe she is but maybe the distance is only visible to me..
Ultimately, if i told her then it would destroy her.. is she strong enough to glue herself back together afterwards..? I don't think she is..



And this is why i won't ever talk to her in real life.. because i know that the dream version of what happened is the reality.. except that unlike being able to wake up from it.. real words cannot be unspoken..
they echo through time.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Sensory wonder..

Permanent Linkby seabreezeblue on Mon Sep 01, 2014 5:16 pm

Or maybe i should call this one ''scented wonder''.. :D

Whatever the title; I'm buying way too much bread lately, and i'm not really eating it but wow it smells amazing.

I've been having a major sense of smell heightening in the last few days.. I've been wandering past bakeries and being gently caught up in a cloud of freshly baked bread..
I can almost feel the air wrapping itself around me.. so warm and peaceful..

Today i was enraptured by the warming scent of tiger baguettes from a little bakery about a mile down the road.. Imagine that you're in a kitchen, someone is baking an oven full of fresh bread and opens the door just as it's ready to take out; this is how it smells to me..

Now.. ideas for what to do with bread very much being thought of here..

I may have to make soup.. a rich tomato and red pepper.. with a warming dose of chilli added to it..

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