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seabreezeblue
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some half formed thoughts..
   Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:16 pm

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bad aspie day..

Permanent Linkby seabreezeblue on Mon Jun 02, 2014 9:28 am

As a high functioning aspie, i've learned how to work around most of my difficulties but some days this becomes just impossible..
Yesterday was one such day.. I woke up in a fairly good mood, thought i was in a fairly good mood, even when i discovered i'd run out of tea-bags.. yes, i'd forgotten to buy them even though i had reminded myself several times to buy some.

Then i discovered that the milk was slightly off.. not off enough so that anyone else would notice but just off enough to make me grimace and resign myself to the fact that i'd have to drink coffee instead of tea and deal with sour milk.. ''fine'' i thought.

So, i had the coffee with the sour milk but as anyone that drinks tea in the morning knows it's a very poor substitute.
Tea for tea drinkers is a relaxation technique.. making it is practically an art form and everyone makes it differently.. you have those that put a teabag in and then add milk and finally water.. watching the liquid gradually blossom with colour..
you have those that add the teabag and then the water.. watching the water start to glow with amber glints..

If you ask a person if they'd like a cup of tea and they watch you make it.. have you noticed how many of them comment ''oh. i don't make it like that'' in a surprised tone as if there's only one correct way to make it..?

so yeah.. i wanted my cup of tea :cry:


Pathetic i know but it threw my entire day off course.. yesterday i was a complete aspie.. sorry world, i just couldn't keep my NT mask on..

The fog in my head just wouldn't clear, i felt irritable and agitated..

so.. having to go out and run some errands, do some shopping etc, i decided to get it over and done with and wandered off out.
First of all, i got on the bus, where the driver smiled and said hello to me.. dammit ''where'd i put the social interactions manual today?'' - oh yes.. i left it at home.. summoning up as much as i possibly could i gave a small smile but probably looked like i was forcing myself to eat slugs..

sitting on the bus i started to relax a little.. the bus was nice but i had to brave the shops still and trust me.. with your brain already in overload mode this is as fun as cutting your leg off with a rusty spoon.. some days that sounds preferable actually..
So; off the bus and into the shops.. the shops where they've hidden the batteries that you need because your aspie child will meltdown if you don't pick them up..
okey dokey.. ask a shopkeeper.. not as simple.. at this point my senses were in overdrive.. i could hear everything.. smell everything.. see everything and couldn't shut it down.. my entire sensory system was misfiring.. the flickering of the lights was distracting and hurt my eyes.. the smell of the soaps and detergents were mixing with the smell of the perfumes and deodorants of the people moving by..
Standing at customer services i relaxed slightly because the guy standing there was a complete stranger.. ''ahh'' i thought.. ''no need for small talk.. perfect''
But then the guy vanished just before i got to the front of the queue, only to be replaced by a woman that i often see and chat sometimes to..
she gave a lovely smile of recognition and i'm standing there thinking ''aww, crap''.. okay.. ''where's the manual again?'' - ah yes.. i left it at home today..
I tried my best.. i smiled back at her even though i was heavily dissociated, my head was hurting and to be honest if i'd woken up at that point to find myself in bed with my head twisted into an unnatural position, it would have made more cognitive sense.
*short interaction on how i am today and how she is today later* - i'm now following mr stranger to where the batteries are lurking.. past the washing powder isle with all the smells.. trying to navigate past a guy who didn't move and where my body feels ungainly and awkward.. moving past him and i was pretty proud of myself (ok.. it was a brief and distant glimmer of ''yay'' but still) for not managing to trip or bump him..
batteries found.. now which ones to buy..? Duracell are the best but £6:00 is stupid.. i can get them from the Pound shop.. they don't last quite as long but it's more than half the time the proper ones last so it's fine..
Okay.. basic ones bought.. now the queue again and i really am in distress.. i'm miserable and exhausted.. i can't make eye contact with anyone by this point and usually i'm fairly relaxed about this.. now i just felt stupid and weird.

Finally out of the shop and into the centre.. with the bright harsh lights and all the noises.. I decided just to go and buy some sandwich bits.. i'm not cooking tonight although i know that cooking relaxes me.. i just simply.. honestly, really truly.. cannot handle navigating my way around the supermarket at this point with a trolley or even basket.. i will bump people and my body will decide to smack into walls, trolleys and objects..
so.. i pick up cheese, bread, yoghurts and apple juice with little trouble.. i go to the till and look for the shortest or fastest moving queue.. perfect, found it.. there's two people in front of me and only one each in the others but in mine, the people are business suit wearers.. likely on their lunch break and will pack quickly.
one minute in the queue and i'm relieved to see i chose correctly.. i move down to the end and start packing.. but the guy on the till is to my horror a talker.. ''aww..crap.. really?'' '' you're lovely and look so friendly but i'm sorry, today i left my manual at home''
anyway.. finally getting through it all and managing to smile and answer now and then to the slightly confused guy i was finished.

Back to the bus-stop and i started to relax.. but oh yes.. i forgot the teabags and milk.. *cry and want to curl up under my quilt*

on to the pound shop.. straight in.. grab the tea bags and milk.. i couldn't care less at this point that i have no shower gel at home - i have no energy left.. i have no energy to force my body into an unnatural NT body language mode so i stand in the queue.. eyes averted from the woman who is gazing at me with a puzzled expression and it looks like she's also wondering why i'm acting weird.. i normally bring my social script for this shop with me.. it says that i should '' smile, make eye contact..say hi and arrange my body into a socially acceptable and welcoming position''

yeah yeah.. eyes averted i pay, say thank you and leave.. back at the bus-stop finally.. again and i start to relax.. on the bus and as every street passes i'm still tense and just wanting my home to come and collect me..
finally home i completely ditch the NT mask and put the kettle on.. lean on the kitchen side with my head covered by my hands and just stand there wondering why i'm such a screw-up.

thanks brain.

Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..



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