I have a date..

If i don't wimp out and cancel of course.

I'm already trying to force myself not to call or text him to say ''sorry, not going to happen''


I know i'd enjoy the date because even if we don't get on in person, i still always enjoy the dates that i go on.
It's just that right now i have so many negative thoughts running through my head.. echoes of the shadows of the past.

I read a book about a year ago and in the book there's a phrase that i try to keep in my mind when i'm feeling insecure and worthless. ''If I were good enough today I would..''
I've used that phrase to force myself to get to meetings and i've used that phrase to force myself out of the house when i'm feeling like that helpless little child again..
Because honestly; i really don't feel good enough and i still feel that a nice, decent, genuine guy is going to look me up and down and turn away from me. This is the power of the messages that parents feed their children when they should be given messages of hope and a safe pair of arms to lean into.

Today i am good enough.. i logically know i am, i just don't feel it.

I've only ever been good at being a parent.. now that i can be proud of.

As for the rest.. you know; i'm going on that date because ''if i were good enough today, i would go on that date and say screw you to the negative messages that flood my brain.. these messages are not true and they're not mine to keep''.


Huge hugs to everyone
Sbb xx