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- March 2014
Dear Lizzy
   Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:54 am

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Nightmares, fire and love (not of the previous)

Permanent Linkby riverside on Fri Jan 03, 2014 2:52 am

so last night i managed to get to sleep about 2am which was a great time for me.
I woke up about 10am and feel back to sleep - i stayed asleep to about 4pm¬¬!!! wow it felt good to get some decent sleep but of course it is a double endge sword - i stay up all night, i sleep all day - have i already said this?

I want to spend the day with my SO not a sleep!!!! but i have given in- over the past mnth i have pushed and pushed my body and mind to do the things it dose not want to do.

Be socialble , sleep at night and face triggers over and over with a stiff upper lip apraoach. Well no more - i am to knackered in mind and body- That why tonight i am not stressing about going to bed. Even though i miss my SO, i have aplan. Stay up all night as my body / mind demands and then sleep all day thats the obvious and at the weekend when my SO is home

SLEEPING PILLLLLLLS!!!!!!! they are the way forward but alas not every night. Although they make her sleep they only make her balck out and then she awakes without being rested and thennnnn moan moan moan moan moan o and did i say moan? i think that really all she needs to do, all she has ever needed to do is chill out about stuff? not get tied up in knots! maybe then she wouldnt have broke and ###$ up her career? maybe then she would not struggle each day and be so sepertated from all the stuff we used to get? the thing i think she fears worse is that when she had her brake down her SO got less fit and stopped doing the things they did together and she tells herself that that is her fault - if she had not ###$ it alll up and had a break down her SO would be fine! Well maybe so actually but then who can tell? fate - fate! ha! she says she beleives in fate but then why dose she BLAM HERSELF for these things? if fate is the truth then it was all ment to happen and it is fates fault? but why blame fate when she can blame herself?

ok- not sure where that came from!

so fire - i set the house on fire ! ops - was having some fun hatching brine shrimp and had taken an aquarium tank heater outside and turned the plugs off - not realising that i had turned it back on with the kettle that was in the same extension lead - BANG, CRACK, BANG - i didnt know what was happening - i got up as quick as i could and could smell this toxic burning - I'D SET THE KITCHEN TOP ON FIRE AND THE ELECTRIC lead had been BURNT through by the heat from the heater

WHAT A BLOODY MUPPET!!!!!! was so lucky not for it to be worse . stupid me took the plug socket out the wall not thinking , was lucky not to electricute myself!!! idiot.

Love -

My SO means the world to me. With out her i would be - well proberly not here- as in dead. She gives me hope and reminds me who i am, where i am, when it is and that i am worth loving. She gives me trust and can be 100000% trusted. I am so lucky to have her.
When we first met i thought i was in a dream - i actually believed it was all a figment of my imagination because being this happy could not be true. 9 years later - i still have moments where i wonder if the nightmares are life and she is a dream. I mean this completly litually...... my mind does get a little lost some times!!!!

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