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Joined: Sat Nov 16, 2013 4:24 pm
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- March 2014
Dear Lizzy
   Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:54 am

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on the inside looking out

Permanent Linkby riverside on Thu Jan 16, 2014 2:44 am

I am on the inside looking out
I am the one drowning on the inside
under the blanket of the dark
on my knees

I am on the inside looking out
no one knows what it is all about
Under the blanket of the dark
i find a way to breath

I am on the inside looking out
I think that i can see
but the lights go out
i'm back on my knees

The blanket of darkness
Is how the world seem's
When the inside is never seen
I cant be seen
i can be felt
My knees are hurting so much

I am on the inside looking out
If when you see me
dont run away
the time to talk
It's time for me

I am on the inside looking out
Come on in and see

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Nightmares, fire and love (not of the previous)

Permanent Linkby riverside on Fri Jan 03, 2014 2:52 am

so last night i managed to get to sleep about 2am which was a great time for me.
I woke up about 10am and feel back to sleep - i stayed asleep to about 4pm¬¬!!! wow it felt good to get some decent sleep but of course it is a double endge sword - i stay up all night, i sleep all day - have i already said this?

I want to spend the day with my SO not a sleep!!!! but i have given in- over the past mnth i have pushed and pushed my body and mind to do the things it dose not want to do.

Be socialble , sleep at night and face triggers over and over with a stiff upper lip apraoach. Well no more - i am to knackered in mind and body- That why tonight i am not stressing about going to bed. Even though i miss my SO, i have aplan. Stay up all night as my body / mind demands and then sleep all day thats the obvious and at the weekend when my SO is home

SLEEPING PILLLLLLLS!!!!!!! they are the way forward but alas not every night. Although they make her sleep they only make her balck out and then she awakes without being rested and thennnnn moan moan moan moan moan o and did i say moan? i think that really all she needs to do, all she has ever needed to do is chill out about stuff? not get tied up in knots! maybe then she wouldnt have broke and ###$ up her career? maybe then she would not struggle each day and be so sepertated from all the stuff we used to get? the thing i think she fears worse is that when she had her brake down her SO got less fit and stopped doing the things they did together and she tells herself that that is her fault - if she had not ###$ it alll up and had a break down her SO would be fine! Well maybe so actually but then who can tell? fate - fate! ha! she says she beleives in fate but then why dose she BLAM HERSELF for these things? if fate is the truth then it was all ment to happen and it is fates fault? but why blame fate when she can blame herself?

ok- not sure where that came from!

so fire - i set the house on fire ! ops - was having some fun hatching brine shrimp and had taken an aquarium tank heater outside and turned the plugs off - not realising that i had turned it back on with the kettle that was in the same extension lead - BANG, CRACK, BANG - i didnt know what was happening - i got up as quick as i could and could smell this toxic burning - I'D SET THE KITCHEN TOP ON FIRE AND THE ELECTRIC lead had been BURNT through by the heat from the heater

WHAT A BLOODY MUPPET!!!!!! was so lucky not for it to be worse . stupid me took the plug socket out the wall not thinking , was lucky not to electricute myself!!! idiot.

Love -

My SO means the world to me. With out her i would be - well proberly not here- as in dead. She gives me hope and reminds me who i am, where i am, when it is and that i am worth loving. She gives me trust and can be 100000% trusted. I am so lucky to have her.
When we first met i thought i was in a dream - i actually believed it was all a figment of my imagination because being this happy could not be true. 9 years later - i still have moments where i wonder if the nightmares are life and she is a dream. I mean this completly litually...... my mind does get a little lost some times!!!!

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Permanent Linkby riverside on Wed Jan 01, 2014 11:07 pm

do you ever feel like your life is a bunch of cliche's?

I feel like writing about how much i hate the fact that the things i am going through i have gone through a million times before. sure they change, sure they get better and worse but it is a circle. even that is a cliche'!"!"

dont get me wrong we love our life , love most of it anyway but how can i love all of my life if i dont love all of me?

I hate night time, i get tired and go to be with my SO and they fall asleep and i hear there breathing , so gentle and calm and peaceful and that is the place i want to be, but instead i am battling the sensations that my body are telling me are real but when i know for a fact that they are history thriving off of my anxiety.

The night brings night mares and worse night terrors! i believe they are true at the time and i even test the realisty of the situation within the nightmares and sometimes i figure out they are not real but other times i just get drawn in. I had my worse nightmare/terror last night - well during the day because i cant sleep at nights!

i want to be next to my SO right now - i have tried all the routeine stuff, all the grounding and i can be calm and my head can be still but i just dont sleep.


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Permanent Linkby riverside on Mon Dec 30, 2013 11:31 pm

so i thought i would start an online journal to go with my journals i am doing at home.
I'm not sure totally why but i do find that typing on the internet gives me a distance that i dont have when i write by hand. I am often mared by pain writing by hand and its better when typing.

There is a part of me that is screaming not to write on the internet for fear of people knowing who i am but another parts screams get over yourself! your not that interesting!

I have found myself answering myself in different tones of voice of late- weird but o so funny when others are around!

We lost a new member of our animal family tonight - neville. Yes some may of seen only a fish, an angel fish but i saw a beautiful piece of nature, as i see in everything from snails to elephants.
we took him on from a local fish sop , he had swim bladder but we took him anyway but from day one he went down hill. He kept looking at me today for the first time...i say he but he was a she. She just kept checking me.... like she saw me for the first time...

anyway we miss her very much, very very much in 7 days she had become part of the family- thats impressive for a fish.

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