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- March 2014
Dear Lizzy
   Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:54 am

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Dear Lizzy

Permanent Linkby riverside on Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:54 am

Dear Lizzy

I have been waiting to talk to you about the things I have been holding on to inside. I was so happy when you said you wanted us all to talk more and then so upset when you were ill. Rebecca made us understand when she said that we all had upset tummys at times and she is right. We had built our self up so much to say things so we thought we would them down and that way we would not have to hold ont o them any more.

Dear Lizzy

My name is Elliott and I am not as lonely as I used to be. I am not as small as I used to be and I talk about things more than I used to. I talk about the things that scare me more. I tell Rebecca about the things that make me jump. The noises, the smells, the things I see and things that might just scare me that remind me if things. I say them and unlike ebfore where they would scare me for so much longer. They do not scare me for so long now. I feel like big Claire lets me just say it like it is and that way its out and said without all the stuff inbetween and then its done and over.
I don't like how we hear dads voice though, we did not use to hear his voice and see his teeth. He looks like a nasty mad dog and we get scared and when you those things and sam got upset we got upset because we worry all the time because we hear the old dad grinding his teeth, even those Claire and Rebecca says his died.
we have been painting for the first time in five years!! so much fun. Lost gets scared though.

Dear lizzy

I am eko. I am not alone or as afraid as I used to be. I also remembered a something that wasn't a bad memory. I did not think I had memories that were not bad to remember. I have a dinosaur called ben with an E on the side and I play with it when Claire is asleep.

Dear lizzy

I am jerry and I am lost. Lost dose not speak because she has never spoke not because she cant but because I have never spoke about those things just always wrote about them. It is hard to let that part of me, that I call lost , to say words , because I never have. I think that

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regarding Eko

Permanent Linkby riverside on Wed Feb 19, 2014 7:17 am

Making progress-

Una and others have confirmed I'm not mad and is normal for the most scared alters to pretend to be the biggest scarcest alters. I really want to find some kind of research to confirm or I suppose back up myself and not the part that still says I'm mad.

I spoke about all thus to partner-she suggested that maybe Eko would like to be called wispa then? I felt this rising happiness and I had a smile I could not control.he loved it.this is the first time I have felt happiness from him.its wonderful. A new beginning for him and going forward for us all.

Seeing the beauty in his words, rather than just being in fear of him. I think if this had not happened he would not have shed his adult mask.

I have been thinking why I dint want Sam and Jake to merge.I dint want Sam to them merge with me and no one to look after the little parts. I would rather those pasts merge first.

All this thinking is so tiring.

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T session

Permanent Linkby riverside on Tue Feb 18, 2014 8:10 am

So----- Last T appointment

To get to the appointment
It took ;
Sam and Jake write posts all night,
4 hours sleep,
3 Kindar Eggs to settle my Little Parts who,
Were afriad of telling the truth.

For almost all the appointment
Doing all the thinking and talking;
It was very still.
It was just me.
I think this is a reflection of the how the communication is helping
because i could focus on the current place and time.

I spoke about the 'I' in the last two weeks
'I' remember feeling very positive about over coming the hard things
For the first time 'I' in an appointment 'I' gave 'myself' a compliment 'I' ment.

When you asked if a certain facial expression was because it was another
part of myself , telling me something or having an opposit opinion.
It took me by suprise.
The answer was a simple yes. Not a complicated left slide slurry.
You caught me off guard.

At the end you said
'I' seemed to be doing better between appointments
By the time you had reached the door I had
Little, Elliot, Sam, Jake and Teen
Shouting for recognition.
''I still struggle between appointments''
Is an understantment of the amount of
Time and energy that me, myself and I
Have not stoped putting in to staying

I see the light at the end of the tunnel
before the tunnel had collaped
and i was under it.

This week

Eko Spoke and wrote for first time
I freaked out
Went into shut down mode
Freaked out some more
Freaked out even more
Calmed down
Held Famliy Meeting
Eko turned up for first time

Eko is now Little Eko
Sam and Jake want to intergrate and its only my fear stopping them
Elliot spoke for the first time
Eko is not abuse
Eko is all my memories of abuse
Eko and Teen are co-con (both write the poetry)
Didnt know that b4)
I am insane and am making this all up
Which means you are just as insance for believing me :)

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drunk if i could

Permanent Linkby riverside on Fri Jan 31, 2014 6:14 pm

i do not know whati am feeling. i have had my session with my T today and i have been left with a feeling of...... a lump in my thraot. My friend it coming over this weekend, the first time i have seen her in over a year and i am sh@tti@g a brick! I am afriad i will brake down, that she will see how broken i am, how frackered i am. I have known her all through uni. She has seen me at a time of life where i didnt even bother to wonder if i shouldnt be or do this or that so i dont know why i should worry now/ She knows me more thatn anyone except my partner. There is that part that is afriad of course, that part that worries she will think WTF who is that freak> where did my friend go?

I am totally over raught....overwelmed if i drank i would get drunk right now

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dreams between alters

Permanent Linkby riverside on Mon Jan 27, 2014 6:22 pm

hey everyone me again

Had a night from hell.... stupid medication problem due to GP. Thing is over the past four days i have been taking medication that has a side efffect that is ment o help with night terrors.

Guess what...it has!!! I used to have them 6/7 times A NIGHT, EVERY NIGHT but i havent had one in four days.

However the dreams i have been having have been so oooooooooooo strange.

I keep waking up to conversations going on in my head.

I see my alters all standing round going through boxes and moving papers around. And having meeting by them selfs!! I am so confused because i didnt think they could do it which is sillly becuase if i can lose time to them of course i can lose my dreams to them.

I feel like they are moving my 'internal house' around and trying to sort stuff out.

I just realised that i had a conversation with them to. I realised that some one in my head is call william even though i want to call him vincent. I think i want to call him vincent and not william as it is my dads middle name. Even though he is nothing like him.

I remember us talking about me being ashamed of him and him telling me that he is ashamed of his self. I actually remember him coming out in a past life regression (i know dont start!!) and he had to hide his sexuality from fear of persucuurtion and that actually is exactly how i felt as a teenager...some thing i didnt realise to just that second.......

this is all really disorintating....all this new stuff..... but it is progress and progress is good.

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