| Psychology and Mental Health Forum | |
https://www.psychforums.com/blog/rehtnap/what_the_hell_b-8053.html |
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| Author: | rehtnap [ Sun Feb 22, 2015 11:01 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | what the hell |
i had an experiment yesterday evening. my transgender issues are important to me i seem to have found a bit of me that is real.but like all good things have my doubts,i cant help it so much in life has turned out to be not real. i have recently been not good mentally lately and wanted to see how i felt if i went to the sauna. i had had thoughts of just giving in and going back to how i was thinking this is all just like before and it will turn out to be another dream. i went with the intention of enjoying myself and really giving everything up. i went and sat in the steam room,i really love it its so relaxing,and started to think. after i went for a walk round the place and looked at the people in there. i started remembering how i felt when i fell apart and just felt like i was in the wrong place. i went and sat back in the steam room and thought of all id been through to get where i am and it just reinforced my gender feelings. i went home without doing anything.i had a feeling when i saw a naked guy but it was female feelings.when i got home i was so glad id been and come away knowing it ment more to me than backing out. i didnt just choose a time when i thought hey ill come out today as female, it fought its way out and i tried to deneigh it for some time. i dont know if i can cope with it,i dont have an off button and if i go back to hiding it again ill just end up back at square one.after i got over the worst of my breakdown i started thinking and the first thoughts were this is just what i need,life has fallen apart,im sick of my mood and personality changes along with nasty thoughts and now i have to work this out. it has solved some of my problems and im happy i may have found a real bit of me,i do feel happier. knowing your body is wrong actually releaves certain things but introduces new ones.i have not one problem with now kicking of the false male traits but im not leaping into copying most other trans women. im not doing it just to fit in and appear as people expect from stereotypes. its hard to explain but at the moment i have a great body dysphoria which i have to try to work in with the fact im 6"2 and male looking.i have no illusions im going to be a cat walk model,i need to see how i can make it work.im still not right mentally and i could ruin this if i loose control.doesnt mean it goes away but it may drive me to the end. some voice in my head is saying to pack it in let me out and lets go have fun like we used to.dont bother about the people theyd only hurt you anyway. god i dont know anymore,part of me is telling people what they want to here so i can try to work out on my own if anything is real.i get bad mind situations where it overwhelms me. theres time i cant remember, i havnt a clue what id done.in my last job then called me Jekyll and Hyde, one guy said one day i wish i knew what went on in your head. id have a good run of months,or so i thought then think what am i doing here, ive tripped out into ruling the world and now i dont know what ive said or done to anyone. recently ive been trying to cope.the mood stabalizer have given me a bad time on each dose rise which after 4 months has worn me down. the last one was nearly the last,even the police were called i must have been bad enough.i went to hospital after for a drugs test but couldnt cope with being there.they threatened to inform the police if i left and all i could think was if you try to stop me your going to hurt big time.i cant stand stress anymore there are time i dont want to go to mental health so i use red bull to perk up and be smiley. ive always had to look after my self and its a hard thing to shake.trouble was looking after myself was usually a disaster.the more this goes on the less i care.i take my meds and pray.ive always reserved leaving this planet if it turns out bad but im scared of what i may do on the way out. |
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