well im still here. had a real bad downer,a lot to do with coming to terms with my gender dysphoria and life in general. ive been seeing the pdoc and a psychologist which is helping a lot. ive also just about stopped the sertraline i was on and started lamotrigene. as the dose of sertraline has gone down i have felt a lot better. i have got back a bit of confidence i hope it stays. last week i went back to the gay sauna i used to go to to see how i felt. i really enjoyed the steam room and the sauna but as far as any sex or drugs there was none..when i walked round the place i just didnt feel like i belonged,it wasnt right. i gave it half an hour and when i realized i fancied a man but as a woman i packed up and went home. it felt good,so good i was feeling me and not a false front to hide from life. whether i go the full distance with the gender change, which right now i would love or if it cant go that far i find a compromise i now feel more like its real life and i have some control. i could of course be going hyper again but only time will tell. as i get older i get tired of the not knowing. im really hoping that the lamotrigene will stabilize me enough to continue with my path.i do get scared when my mood goes wacky and i get suicidal thoughts,most of the time its more blowing off steam but once or twice its been serious resulting in been but on suicide intervention.its too easy a way out but thats why its scary because its so easy.i know im still not right,i do odd things and sometimes trip out of reality but as the pdoc said they cant cure it just help to control it. my biggest fear is it goes worse in time. i understand i have a mental health problem or two and im trying to keep life slow to watch myself. some days it gets to me,the hiv,the moods,the tiredness and trying to correct my life but there is nothing i can do about that,

im not going to post any more on here,im just going round in circles. when i think things are changing i wake up back at the begining.every time its a little worse. there comes a time to jump of the rollercoaster and alter the story. i was diagnosed as possible cychlothimic but that doesnt seem to be right,im just different.i dont and never have fitted in and trying to has made me they way i am.i keep trying to belive there is a future but the truth is im alone and tired.i wake up in the morning and hate the fact im still here. ill have to find my own solution theres no place for me on this planet.

i have decided to pull out of mental health treatment and not follow through with the gender issue. i dont have the confidence or the money and dont want to be isolated. im stopping the mood meds and the castration drug im on. they have made me tired,breathless if i do any pysical work and i dont sleep very well. its a cruel fact of life i have to go back to work and if im like that it would be hell.its ok trying to sort mental problems out but if i end up penyless in trying then wats the point. i used to manage before i had the hepatitus treatment but since then its been hell. its time to walk away from the meds(not my hiv meds) and start to think again. maybe i didnt do that well before but its better than i am now.im going stir crazy in the small village where i live there is nothing to do and i dont know anyone so i stay indoors and its getting to me. the only time i go out is to see one doctor or the other and no one visits and its been like this for coming up 3 months. the limited buses mean i cant go far as the last bus back to the village is quiet early.its a nice idea to relax and let the meds work but when you loose any remnants of a life doing that it becomes pointles,in fact it becomes counter productive. theres nothing to get out of bed for and when i do im tired and no drive. maybe living in la la land is wrong but its better than i feel now.

i have to make a big decision. ive screwed my life up and its my fault but i managed to admit i have a gender problem. the pdoc i see is talking about referring me to a gender clinic and i would like to go, allowing for the long waiting lists and funding.i have followed their medications to try to calm my mood swings. the thing is since i was hiv and hep c i lost what partial friends i had and although i cured the hep the stigma never goes away. its described as being a modern day leper. so i seem to be alone and i worry that going through with the gender issue will make me more of an outcast and unemployable. im not rich and i rent my house so i need to work. i hate having to explain my breaks in work history and it usually means im shown the door. if i go back to burying the feelings then the only people i know are in the gay community and that would end up with me being like before. im dammed if i do and dammed if i dont. my mind is going crazy thinking about it and i feel like i just want to say to hell with it and party till i die. in the past every time ive tried to settle and become part of something the moods and my personality have ruined it. if i go back to hiding my feelings it means i have to be carefull how i interact with people and it ends up with lies to cover the truth. ive been shunned from so many groups ive grown to hate people. i was always trying to attach myself to something as by myself i was alone. now ive stopped caring. im sick of small talk and the false interest from people i knew who then forget me. i understand why, they dont want to catch anything and they dont want to associate with such a person as it may reflect on them. makes you so isolated that whatever you do the results cant be worse that the isolation and rejection feelings.im just passing time now hoping the days arnt too long. ive no where to go other than the pdoc and gum clinic. they cant take much more from me,i dont work, cant drive,no money,no friends and no future. ironic that i have a chance to get what i need and it will probably make my life worse.

today i went for the drug testing ive been attending as requested by mental health doc to be asked whoes paying for this and why you here.its a new company thats taken over and they dont seem very sure of what they are doing. they dont know of false posatives given by certain prescription drugs and the biggest laugh is i found out they havnt been testing for ketamine the drug that got me refered to them. ive just shrugged my shoulders and said not my problem. i havnt touched drugs in months so i know im ok that way but it just got me back to thinking half of these services are a joke. what got to me more was i thought id ring a friend and have a talk about it when i realized there was nobody. i have been trying to keep the last couple of people i though were friends but it dawned on me that the contact is one way and i just have to accept they want to distance themselfs from me. its always ben like that, ive atched on to people hoping to be included but either getting used as a mug or finally working out they didnt want to know me. now i dont trust anyone to be a friend, why would anyone want to know me.now im not arround to mend thier cars or bikes they have forgotten me. they never were friends i just hoped they were. anytime ive neded help they have all been unavailable and i just ignored it as having almost friends was better than nothing.what a sad person i was. the temptation to just start drugs again and opt out of the world is growing. the docs keep asking whats your plans forthe future, and all i think is im hiv,mental health problems, lost my driving licience, suffer fatigue and hate the world i think ill go be a airline pilot. to have to explain to an employer why ive been out of work for 4 years is just going to kill any chance of work the alternative is i fog over the truth and hope they never find out.great i live life scared id be exposed. im open about my transgender issues but im lost as to wether to go ahead with it as it could make me more a recluse and lonley. the choice is i go back to hiding it and put up with the mental stress, it would kill me through drugs trying to blank out the truth living covering up. i follow all the pdocs say i dont know what else to do but now i think they are wondering why ive gone from being an awkward patient to totally compliant. im worse off in my mind,i am just lost and have no answeres for a lot of their question. ive never been right since being young but i just got used to it untill i lost track of myself.i over think things and have tried to force an interest in things to be normal but it always fails.i think soon im just going to loose it completley ive nothing left to loose.