mind is over thinking everything. i know things are looking better for me but i have great fears of it all falling apart. the lamotrigene not controlling the bipolar,the funding for the gender clinic been turned down and the driving license being revoked. i pray that not all 3 happen as it would be the end for me.all my life i have thought things were going good just to find it collapse on me.i cant get those thoughts out of my head.i know i should be just thinking positive thoughts but i cant help but trying to work out what will happen if something doesnt work out. i dont have anyone to be there for me,the docs are great and mental health say if im bad to ring the help line but i miss just someone to talk to.my mind has a million thoughts,not all good and i sometimes drift away as though im not me thinking.i cant explain it really. i also have times when like a day dream i see senarious in the future which i forget about until they happen and then i think cant be but its happened time and time again. i still dont know who i am i just dont feel like im truely me.im scared of the gender thing but it has made me feel more closer to myself. hopefully if i get the ok to see the gender clinic i can talk about my feelings. its one thing i worry about because i cant go im stuck with no way forward.taken me a life time to try to sort it out and i now dont just have an off button.my biggest fear is i just revert to how i was to try to bury it but that will not be good.it wont end well for me and others

its christmas and im lonely. be nice to have someone but it never happens.life gets pointless. you see families getting together and couples enjoying christmas and i get to sit alone the excuses form family as to why i cant come at christmas. i have in the past gone to other peoples house for christmas dinner but it was all their friends and family and i felt so out of place.i always latched on to someone for christmas it was never because they wanted me they just didnt want to tell me to sod off. hate the lot of them,i hope they all get food poising and die. i hate christmas its so false.reminds me how alone i am. maybe my original thoughts of just leaving this planet were right.no more pain then.no more trying for nothing. no more false friends.ive nothing left anyway,no one is going to employ a hiv bi polar idiot.

realized over the past week i was going hyper.i think it was all my own fault i had a bit of a cold so had a coffee to cheer up and then another and before long id had quite a few.following day i had a headache from the coffee so had a couple paracetamol and codeine tablets.made me feel better so had more coffee. this went on for some days and steadily i crept hyper.the thing i fear with going like that is my libido can climb even though im on castration drugs the caffeine and codeine can apart from kick me hyper it raises the libido.i dont need that. i realized as well i was spending on ebay.part of it i guess is this rapid cycling they go on about mixed in with a caffeine high.i seem to have caught it and im coming back down but i worry that i have to constantly cope with this happening.if i dont catch it when it happens every thing ive achieved could be gone in a flash.
ive also got annoyed with the people who still are nosy as to my state and pretend to be a friend by emailing with some drivel and asking how i am,then when i reply and try to interact they dont reply.they are evil and i wish them no good.to fain interest just to be curious then ignore you is nasty.after a while i recognized the sort of email and now i just ignore them. one emailed to ask why i hadnt replied and made it sound like they were royalty and i had to reply.they are the sort that make it look like you are being nasty to them by not replying and you should bow down and beg forgiveness.i wouldnt piss on them if they were on fire. its horrible to think someone cares just to find out they are curious and dont really care. with me dealing with my transgender issues im getting more confident and i now just ignore them or ask them straight why only one email and to basically ###$ off.i dont trust anyone,anytime i have ive been made a mug of and now id rather be alone that have evil people using me. i hate the world and it hates me.

things seem to have picked up well,i feel a lot better but a voice tells me to be careful theres something not right. i feel a bit out of it and the psyc has been too nice. every time ive trusted someone its ended up with me been had. i want my gender change so bad i have to believe that they are really working to help me. if they are leading me on then that will be it for me.i know if it turns out bad then i will loose the plot and nothing will rescue me. i dread depression creeping in so im trying to do anything that will occupy my mind rather than thinking about it. i still get thoughts of walking away from it all and becoming the old person i was and to hell with who it hurts,they all plot to get what they want and sod you. ive spent money on ebay i cant afford just to get a few things to do.i feel i should be getting back to work but i cant face a job interview.i still find my mind drifting and when talking to people i can suddenly forget what i was going to say.it suck trying to make sure your ok ,not going hyper or horrible. some days i get carried away with myself and loose reality for a time other days i drink lots of coffee to get hyper and feel good but that is not good.i so want to change my life but i just seem to drift back into the thinking i had before. i still hold suicidal thoughts but they are my last ditch action thoughts.

ive made my decision to follow my need to attend the gender clinic and follow that route.i have no friends to help but i hope ill find some true friends along the way,not like the lowlifes i thought were friends. to say i have no feelings for them is not quite right i hope they have nothing but bad luck and a slow painful death. bit over the top but they have shown their real selfish selves. i was there to help so many times even though it cost me but they were just using free help with a false friendship front.
anyway now i have nothing to hold me back,even family dont seem to care, i feel like i can start a new.how far i can get i dont know but if i dont try ill never find out. i wish the moods would settle down and im hoping so much the new drug when its up to working dose will level me out. if it doesnt i dread the future.