i have had problems since childhood and always felt different,partly a gender thing and partly shyness with a wierd sense of reality thrown in. i muddled through life not really coping but somehow managing a few jobs but more unemployment. i have mood swings that made me leave jobs then hide away formonths. there have been times ive looked normal even quite good but mostly fuelled by coffe and energy drinks. i ended up having periods of self destruction as i called them where i stopped careing and took of in fantasy land. i developed a high sex drive but as a gay man and that mixed in with self destruct mode i ended up with hiv,hep c and numerous sti. im sure part of it was attention seeking but i didnt care. i had treatment for the hep c and cleared it but it left me mentaly changed. i started using ketamine to enhance the sex along with poppers and speed. i did seak treatment and get on chemical castration drugs but eventually this year i had a minor break down. i had been on sertraline since the previous year then the castration drug but i still had bad episode so now they have added lamotrigine and im just starting to build the dose up. i think ive spent most of my life hiding and putting a front up.im not proud of how i am i hate it. a lot of the time i just want to give up. i seem to have run out of friends and being hiv i find i keep people at a distance. now i dont really care about much,every thing ive started in the past has failed and i dont want to feel that feeling of failure again. ive had bad feelings when down that scare me and flamboyant ideas when high. i dont have much self confidence what i do have is invented.