i self harmed yesterday. *mod edit* nothing serious just wanted to feel something.sat there *mod edit*, out off in lala land. i remember thinking the pains not enough.the words from the song HURT say it all.
*mod edit*

ive got a court order back on me so i cant take my tagg off,i actually asked for it im that desperate to try anything.thats it now ive done all i can.no more options if this fails only its prison or death,personaly i opt for the second.part of the evidence for it was a statement from a psyc nurse that saw me in hospital.he stated i was alert with no signs of mood swing or mental health issues. i find it strange as i was initially taken in by ambulance requested by the police after attending my house as *mod edit* they took me to a&e where i was seen by the duty docs who called mental health due to concerns.before he came i had walked out of hospital,just, and was making my way home *mod edit* i made it to the bus station where i collapsed in front of a police man who then got me back into hoslital.it was such nasty statement full of missleading information and ommissions and tried to paint me as fully competant and aware of what i was doing. so ok now i understand that being like this are the acts of a rational man. he made no reference to even the possibility that my condition may have had a part to play in it he just wanted to make me look bad.this is just one of dozens and dozens of experiences with mental health ive had.they are just not nice people.
this is how mental health are, they pick and choose when the condition they have diagnosed you with comes into play.they cant and dont want to treat me so if it looks like they mght have to admit me then its oh no he isnt suffering from anything,what condition, that has nothing to do with him commiting self harm and suicide.send him home hes just trouble.duty of caer they sort of ignor that when it suits them.
me now i will never nevr never see anyone to do with mental health again,they are all a bunch of lieing, manipulating,horrible quacks.i will refuse point blank even if they section me.they can take me but they cant make me talk and given the first chance ill abscond home. if you say jack $#%^ to them there is nothing they can do but release you,they have nothing to base keeping you in on. i know they have said they cant treat my condition,which is #######4 they just dont have time or resources for complicated people they only want nice cases they can treat so they can get a pat on the back saying hey look were treating people.ok so they cant treat the condition directly but even being allowed to see them once or twice a year would be nice just to touch base.oh no you just get kicked out,even the so called community mental health dont want to know. so what im not part of the community anymore.when i needed the crisis team i was told im to far away for them to bother unless i go to them.they are the crissis team for the area i live in for gods sake but yet again they pick and choose whats easy for them. can you imagine calling the fire brigade because your house is burning down and been told sorry ur too far away we can be bothered, if you want you can pop in for a bucket of water.at that time i wanted help badly,i was burning down.result of this i attempted suicied and had to be taken in and sectioned.it was only the police that called to do a welfare check that found me,crissi team were buisy eating dohnuts and tossing it off.i realize now the only thing i have left is myself.im a broken machine trying to keep going but as we know broken, *mod edit* they kept asking what i thought would help.i havnt got a clue.they are the paid proffessionals who are suppossed to look after you.ha ha i wouldnt let them look after a dead rat. me and mental health are done for good,they better have a dam good reason if they force me to see them as ill bring all hell into play if they try.
as far as im concerned now i might as well say their diagnossis was #######4...

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i dont need anyone exept myself i have controll of this body..i know i have the power to decide if someone live or dies if i wish to use it but there are lots of bad people out there who have already forfited their souls and they are just waiting to be collected.they cant stop it they steped into the dark side and then the deals done and their day of reconing is set.some are left to suffer a anguished life for their actions until the body can take no more and the soul is released to ever damnation.i have no interest in any person as a person they mean nothing, just make sure the soul is accounted for. people sell their souls for so little not caring about what they loose.people are gullable and greedy for so little they dam themself to suffering.when you walk amoung them you can see them stand out already marked just waiting for their time.the eyes are the heart of the soul and i can see dead eyes in some. when the soul goes the eyes go blank.a lot of power can come from missery,it fuels itself.immortality costs dear. the death of your soul,the death of feelings and hope,the death of enjoyment,the deathof who you are.all that matters is the task. the grim reaper can walk amongst you and you wont know who it is.but its always there.

new year new tasks. got my tagg back on as ive promised to be a good boy.the police have a bee in there bonnet and untill they get bored and go away ive got to behave.might prove if ive got any control over what happens as it does act as a deterant but how much only time will tell.things are happening to make it where i cant just ask for it taking off which if i fall foul of im in trouble.doing it whilest im a bit more stable and then its on and it reminds me i have a problem.if i break the rules it really means ive lost it and really they should lock me up as ive left the planet again.dont know what pc plod is trying to find,well i sort of do but its buried.well not burried as such just not really there where they are looking.not planned like that ive never been good at planning things its all by luck really.been stable for a few weeks now and enjoying it but im scared that coming soon is the decision about my driving licience as to whether i get it back.i fear i may not for good due to the mental health issues and i know it will trip me out if that happens.last time they took it off me i went out of this world and nothing stops it. its like a switch to another reality. thats when i attempted suicide and got sectioned again.if/when i get the letter i can see myself going on a week long drugs binge,ive been thinking of nothing else.if it happens it happens i cant stop it just hope it doesnt end bad.if i wake up back in a police cell then i know its all gone pear shaped. dont actually mind the police cells its nice and quiet and no one disturbs you,well except pc plod wanting to ask silly questions. you know its really annoying when you tell them your on a med that screws ur memory and nothings clear and they look at you with that look of disbelife.please themselfs as far as im concerned ive tried to be helpfull and if they dont like that then sucks to be them.im just me when i talk to them but even just on the mood meds i have to concentrate and stay fixed otherwise my mind drifts off and i loose track of the conversation.in a lot of ways i dont care anymore. ive just about lost anything i had and ive nothing i care for anymore so life is just stale.with the personality dissorder i have reached the point that after the last crash i cant pick the pieces up anymore. i dont know where they are supposed to go and why bother they only fall apart again. i feal im the most dangerous ive ever been although the last 2 or 3 week ive been meak and mild.ive nothing left to loose. having the tag back on is the very lat attempt im having at having a bit of control.its probably the wrong way to describe it but if it fails then hey shoot me.i will give it a go and its set up that if i do fail then they can have me.its has to be said i dont care whats gone on. a lot of what ive done is what it is,no remorse or guilt.cant alter how i am or have been.last year i expressed my intentions and actions a lot of the year and it actually became wierd as no one really questioned it and i never denieghd them.it became a sort of quiet stalemate.when i came back into reality occasionally they would ask did i mean it but when you say i must have i said it but dont remember they dont know what to do.ive always had a very dark side its just got worse over the last5 years.perhaps it was bad before i just never noticed.does piss me off big time that the docs keep refereing to my problem over the last couple of years and i keep telling them try the last 40 years.they havnt done any real research into my past mainly because i havnt popped up on their radar.,half my medical records seem to have dissapeared.they just thought they knew it all and this was a recent thing. oh boy are they wrong.just because i havnt been locked up before or sectioned before doesnt mean it wasnt there.i have had so many times in the past when people around me have delt with me keeping me away from the authorities and doctorswhen ive been bad,some of the times they have said i would have...

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Time is moving on and its just dawned on me its december.i seem to loose relevance of time these days but i had a meeting with my social worker yesterday and she was asking what am i doing for christmas ect and it sort of sunk in oh crap it is the end of the year.things must move on now i dont have any choice,ive been allowed to have a slack time and in someways enjoy the events of the middle of the year with the police.never been arrested before it was all quite interesting,pointless but interesting.the time after they released me i was sort of looking forward to the next installment but it never came. i think they have gone off looking for a body, all i can say is good luck. you see my actions are justified by things way above their pay scale so they are fight ing a loosing battle trying to stop it,ive tried myself many times resorting to suicide but it just wont let me die.beging of the year i poured enough of a drug down my throat that was enough to kill a bull elephant,there should have been no way to survive it but all it did was make me unconcious for a couple days,it just wont let me die.ive even had the police turn up out of the blue mid suicide attempt and stopped me even though ive not called them.she said i had been better this year with none of the sillyness of last year threatening things.one thing ,never call me silly it makes me angry and you wont like the concequences of me been angry.another thing is i have never challeneged what i i said then.some facts are undedighable,i am hiv,its on record and i do or did go to saunas thats not a secret.they are trying to fill in the rest but to be hounest its a small part of the whole story and one watched over by a greater entity than them who will just have them running in circles for its own amusment.. its funny how you can tell someone a truth and they think they have higher intelligence to decide its not true because in their world it wouldnt happen, sorry i dont come from your world..all the psyc docs are like that.to me they arent real doctors they are more like a film critic. they decide they think x about a patient and the other juniors just tagg along to scared to challenge the master.for real why do we all follow a mans oppinion if he says a film is crap it because we dont want to be the one who challenges the master and have the roth of the majority.like i say to me the psyc docs are fun to play mind games with but not really doctors in any sense of the word.like with me why would a doctor give you a diagnosis that you have what they consider a resonably sever mental illness then discharge you from there care.its like a cancer doctor telling you you have terminal cancer then telling you to sod off as he cant cure you and hes really buisy.i strongly dissagree with his diagnosis i think he plucked it out of the air so he could get me out of his clinic i dont feel i have any mental health issues and i certanly wouldnt take anything that consultant says seriously hes a joke.must take him off the christmas card list PERMANENTLY.he tried to get me put in a secure unit but discovered how hard it is to stop me.naughty naughty mr consultant you arnt that good.he told me he would never have me back on his ward,ok no problem i know when im not wanted lol.infact the only way they would get me near any mental ward or unit now is seddated and handcuffed.ill take prison anytime but no way the joke of a mental unit they just arnt serious just full of docs playing guessing games and if you object then you get medicated more wheres the fun in that,better to be free to prowl than used as a guessing game for guys who couldnt become real doctors.thats a joke as well,they medicate you to death then make a diagnosis whilst your in la la land. they did it to me,i was well medicated all the time i was on the ward and the consultant made the astounding diagnosis that he saw no mood swings or psychosis that had be diagnosed before.no $#%^ sherlock,he was lucky he saw signs of life, my dad...

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now i know im alone. the last 2 people i thought were friends had gone quiet on me then suddenly emailed me but only to dig for their curiosity. they both were asking odd questions and not acting as you would think a friend should.when i replied to them the didnt reply back.they arnt friends they are just faining it to satisfy their own needs.now i have to watch my back with everyone.i dont know whoes telling who what.i stay away from all the medical people now they are not good for me.i dont have a problem its the rest of the world thats ###$ up.i dont know where half of this year has gone it seems to have dissapeared.what i need is a jelly babby they cure everything.i still cant work out the logic behind mental health services. they said i had borderline personality dissorder and the only treatment that may make me more stable and help was cbt type stuff.so they put me forward for it but i got refused as i was too unstable.so i cant have the treatment that may make me more stable because im unstable.ok let me put it his way,if i was ######6 stable i wouldnt need the treatment to help me stop being unstable.all i get is a mood stabilizer which when the dose is higher does help as it dumbs me down but it also can make me more suicidal so they wont let me have a bigger dose.for the last 4/5 months i have been on a larger dose as i had oodles of spare tablets from when they were messing about with doses.ok so ive been suicidal but not acted on it that i know of and it seemed to dope me down where i could still function but be ok.i will admit i have slept a lot of the time during the day but with things that have been going on i needed to do something.the doc would go mental if he knew but bollocks to him as he explained to me the condition itself is untreatable in the main so theres not a lot we can do day to day but if it gets bad then we can step in.oh great i have to hope i can recognize if things are going pearshaped and then hope i can work out what to do.thats never happened in the past its usually normallity ,blured,la la land then wait for reality to catch back up and see if i can work out wats happened whilst ive been away. now ive run out of spare tablets and the normall dose doesnt seem to have the same effect as it did.the dam gp keeps going on about insight and i keep telling him that a lot of what ive worked out is aftersight not insight at the time.i have to remember he is only a gp and not a mental health doc. hes fine for treating a rash or a bee sting but him playing at being a psyc doc is not good.so i ignore him now.my mind isnt very good at the moment i know im struggleing.i have starnge thoughts and the feeling that soon it isnt going to end well in a really bad way.hope it snows soon then i can build a snowman.you might not belive it but snowmen are real its just that there not here long so you dont get too know them.