bad bit over may be too soon. today i had to go see the drugs counselor. its a 23 mile trip for me and normally,well at least over the last few months its a pleasant drive. to day was bad.bad driving,road rage bad time. was very negative with the counselor slagging off mental health ect. came out and thought this is rubbish aint going back. came home and wrote an email to the mental health consultant slagging of my case worker asking what she is supposed to do as it seems like the least possible.this will upset him i know but i dont care. all this usually means the moods going to change big time.if it is although i know it is i cant stop it. im hoping blowing off steam on here will help but the last group of posts are just how i get before it changes. i am upset because i am using a pain killer to try to calm it. i know it gets to a point where giving in is easier than fighting it. over the last year i have been trying to be open with how i am and try to learn wats wrong. i do know what im like but i also have gaps.i know i can be not good when i loose control and change. when i was getting dangerous with the sex i had a down period when i sought help. when i was on treatment it worked,unless a certain mood/personality kicked in. it was like i never took the drug.now it seems its the same with the mood stabilizer. if i go in that mood things like this site will be binned, treatment will be forgotten about its like nothing has happened. i know mostly as i find out after what ive ruined. its like a side of me that just sees no problems,over confident,treatment ect was just an excuse. i dont know this when im like it it what people have told me after.ive a horrible fear this time may be bad.ive had lots of feelings of conspiracy and people lieing,things not being right. ive had it before,i wake up one morning saying thats it ive shaken it off time to get back to being normal.after that it get blurred as the days go on.ive never really known normality,ive floated from highs to lows and confusion in between. i know when i go high it feel s good.im in control nobody else,hence things like mental health get ignored.in the past it was just that but around 2 years go my trans gender feelings came out. just what i needed another thing to complicate life.i know its why i crashed big time. tried to hide it but my state of mind let me have situations that brought it out more. couldnt cope in the end. drugs became a release but the brain couldnt cope with it. all went bad.for some time it allowed me to try to find normality but its failing.the bad side of me cant be buried for ever.i dont know if its some sort of release or this state of mind is false and thats the real normality. i hate it.having everything you try fall apart. nothing will last.knowing part of what im like and not being able to stop it. now i have the feelings of get away from the doctors they are hurting you. get back to being mr proactive. some of it feels like teasing the system. its all horrible.to not know when its going to happen and for how long and what goes on when it does. recently i have had no fear of my actions,emailing the consultant for example whats he going to do.that will get worse i know,in the past my gum clinic have shown me emails i have sent that are not good,i dont remember sending them.if these blogs stop it means ive changed. god im sick of all this
