Psychology and Mental Health Forum


https://www.psychforums.com/blog/rehtnap/index_sid-c3c311acfdfd328f94ebf05dce282db2_start-30.html
Author:  rehtnap [ Wed May 11, 2016 7:12 pm ]
Blog Subject:  lost the plot
im loosing the plot. i have suicidal thoughts every day i just want to go to sleep and not wake up. i have endless days with nothing to do stuck in a small village and im now convinced anything i do try will end in disaster so i just do nothing.i cant stand it much longer im having thoughts of just harming someone so i can be locked up. i talk to my dead ex partner everyday i cant forgive myself for the way we split. i have decided to up the dose of my antipsychotic to see if it will dope me down as i have spare tablets and ive read at larger dose it numbs the brain.i talk to myself a lot i dont know why. soon i will end it all i cant go on like this. i have an occasional good hour but that means nothing in the days of torment im going through. god help me i hope if i end it i get it right.
Author:  rehtnap [ Sat May 07, 2016 5:28 pm ]
Blog Subject:  had enough
i am so lost with all thats going on i have days i just burst out in tears. im 52 for gods sake and im in tears. i have half a mind to just turn up at a&e a day after overdosing on paracetamol when its too late to go back and just let my self die. i cant cope with life day to day i dont know whats wrong its all falling apart. death doesnt scare me and to take a move with the likes of parecetamol where it can be too late and death will follow seems like a good idea. i dont care ill die in pain once im dead ill know nothing about it.how did i get to such a down point in my life. i was sectioned twice last year for attempted suicide and i just hate myself for failing. if my sex drive would return as it was id just go out and be as bad as i was untill i was locked up or re tagged and then i know id deserve it. its all a mess i cant cope with. i dont care about myself or anyone else now i just seem to be in self destruct mode and it wont end well. im so lonely where i live ive gone stir crazy. maybe if i just go batter someone they can lock me up and ill be out of everyones hair and less of a danger.sod this lkife its too much. now i hit the booze and benzoes to calm down but it wont be long before that isnt enough. im not a nice person ill use anyone to kill my grief. to hell with this world there are ways out.
Author:  rehtnap [ Thu Apr 21, 2016 7:39 pm ]
Blog Subject:  jittery
i stopped using recriational drugs a couple of weeks ago and its not gone so bad.i have been jittery a lot of the time and some of the time i have to use lorazipam or another benzo to calm down and get through a day. i hope its a good thing im sure it is as i have to try to better myself. i have big times i want to be back on the psyc ward where i felt safe and i could be dopped down to get through the days but i guess i cant live a life like that. some days i just loose the plot and should be on the ward but i just have to struggle through and not harm anyone. i go for a walk everyday but i find myself talking to myself sometimes almost in tears telling myself im ok and things will be better. i cant stand the outside world a lot of the time its like my shyness and anxiety just overwhelm me and all i want to do is hide away. i have been suicidal again, life just gets ontop of me and i trip back into wanting to just leave this world for good and have no more troubles. suicide is a hard thing to get out yor mind once youve been in the position of trying it,i know now how to get it right and not thave the trouble of being sectioned again for attempting it. it may sound wrong buti really felt safe and secure and where i wanted to be wheni was on the psyc ward,it felt like i could slowly get the help i needed but the last time was 29 days and i had to leave when they removed the section,i wanted to stay and be sorted. since then ive never felt right i have wierd thoughts and im slipping back to my old ways with the saunas and the hiv.ive come off the antiandrogen i wason and slowly the sex drive has come back although a bit squashed by thr antipsychotic im on but im back attending the saunas and unprottected ruff sex again.i knew i would and if they dont like it then they can always tagg me again but thats not going to happen as im out of the loop with the mental health people having been handed back to my gp. even thatis becoming a downer as he keeps lenghtening the time inbetween visits the last one being 10 weeks.i think i need to see him more often to keep a monitor on my moods and the way im going but i guess they dont want you using him as a prop. all in all things are creeping back to how i used to be. i am tempted to stop the mood meds and see if i can survive without them or maybe just return fully to hoiw i was then will have gone full circle.one day ill get locked up for the sex thing im sure as like last time things just got so dangerous and i didnt care and im feeling like that again. let them lock me up if they want i dont care at least i may get some help then.
Author:  rehtnap [ Sun Apr 10, 2016 6:49 pm ]
Blog Subject:  time to go for it.
gona try to kick my drug use cold turkey tommoroow as im in a world of hurt. im mixed up in a world of prescription meds amd drugs to prop me up but every day is getting darker. have to either face up to life or accept im doomed to die in a world of pain. days are made up of whatever mood i can get into and its not realiaty nothing stays stable and i have to kick back into some sort of stable state or im doomed. i hope my mood meds are working to controll the highs and i can get into a stable state where ima usefull person if not then im screewed. days are getting so long livining in the past and i cant survive there. my mind is screewed by all ive taken and done and its time to blow out the bad bits. either ill survive or die. ive reached the point i have to make the leap. i doint know what is rteal anymore. i prop up on drugs to get hrough a day and thats not right. i need my mind back however it turns out. last year screwed me up so much i have lost sight of whatim suppossed to do in life if anything. i want stabiltity for the remaining years i have left. ive been bouncing about in mind hell and now is the time to stop. ive lost the people i tried to rely on and im alone. i think a mental breakdown will either kill or cure me. ive had enough of trying to make each day work on drugs i need to be me me whatever that is. god help me im going to crash out burnout and maybe come out the other side of life.i manipupulate my life with chemicals and thats not right its just hell. i wish the world well and im going for it.
Author:  rehtnap [ Wed Apr 06, 2016 5:40 pm ]
Blog Subject:  thoughtfull
feel so alone right now. my mood has been sort of level but i get dives into suicidal thinking. im not afraid to die i know its the end. my friends have died off one by one and left me alone. i have been taking my meds backup on the high dose to get me leveled out again and see if i cant get a grip on life. i have so many strange moods these days i cant seem to see what is right anymore. i have made so many mistakes and cockups it seems i cant do anything right. i so wish i could just settle in one mood whether its depressed or hyper but the drift into suicidal thinking is getting to me. i dont want to end up sectioned again but then again i might need it soon as im just all over the place. i fear i will just wake up one morning and end it all.when your unconscious you know nothing of the world and to just stop breathing when like that would be a gift. i seem to be swinging over a few months back to this thinking and it wont go away. the good days dont out weigh the bad days. no one can understand the thinking of a person when they want to end it all. its not a knee jerk reaction but a level thought process to end the misery. i was hit hard watching my friend die of cancer and i just wanted to swap places and let me take the way out.im trying to kick the legal high drugs slowly and when ii get mellowed out life doesnt seem so bad but also death seems a nice end to it.i dont see a future. i dont want to just get old and fde away id rather take myself out and be done with it. it usually ends up with me back in hospital in a state with my arms cut and me stoned out of this world. the last time i was unconscious for a day and a half but when i came round still high i just cried as id not died. i had to face the aftermath of a drugs overdose and the humiliation you get from the hospital staff. i just wanted to get home and sulk that id failed again.its coming round again with life kicking me down when i see a little light and i dont know if i can fight it off again. i hate life the small nice bits are swampped by my stupid brain meltdowns and actions. im a horrible person and i just want out the easiest way. i dont know what will happen in the next days and weeks things are going bad again. ive ramped up my antipsycotic to see if i can dope down and carry on. i like the effect the med has of numbing the brain and i think my gp now gets the idea that being slightly zombified can be a good thing to just get through the days and not want to end things.i have had ideas of dropping all the meds and seeing if i can go hyper again to have a blow out and get things done but they end up being bad things and i risk being tagged and the sexual risk order been put back on. i dontr care if they do the tag did help in a daft way thatiot was a psychical thing to remind me where i was going. once youve been bad its not so bad going back it just seems to be a place you know.the loneliness gets to me i hate some days of being alone and talking to no one. thats when death doesnt seem a bad idea what have i got to loose. when your gone your gone. no one will care. the alternative is to go hyper and party the time away not caring for anyone and been so damaging but not caring. see how it goes i dont have feelings right now either way.
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