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rehtnap
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Wed Nov 21, 2012 9:38 am
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- September 2017
part 5
   Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:59 pm
part 4
   Mon Sep 25, 2017 11:53 am
part3
   Sun Sep 10, 2017 7:36 pm

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part 5

Permanent Linkby rehtnap on Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:59 pm

i was trying to get a bit of knowlage about what the so called consultant says i have but i cant absorb info very well these days. one thing i saw was this and it hit a nerve
People with BPD are considered to be among the most challenging groups of patients to work with in therapy, requiring a high level of skill and training in the psychiatrists, therapists and nurses involved in their treatment.[171] A majority of psychiatric staff report finding individuals with BPD moderately to extremely difficult to work with and more difficult than other client groups.
it just explained why our mh service just drop u and leave u to fend alone. tthey dont want to know its too much trouble for them they pick and choose the easy patients so they can have a good succsess level to keep their funding.i tried my best to stay with them but they just wait for one bad reaction and make excuses and dump u. i dont like doctors never have and the mh so called doctors i wont listen to anymore. ive seen various docs over the years some officially some as a favour or unofficial and they all have a different story. im my early days i used to see a doc unofficially and he said ur mixed and hard to understand u definatly need something doing. 2004 i saw a doc after an incident and his prognosis from the reports hed had was suspected psychosis prob transiant,bi polar or similar dissorder and something else he didnt like. then he couldnt act because of the situation at the time and i was supposed to go seek help from mh but i never did.now ive herd so much i disbelive most of it. they change the rules to suit themselfs. ive always ignored the docs when theyve seen me and i know i was right as the first time i listened and tried to go along with them they stiched me up,played games and dumped me. they played games with the wrong person i wont forget them for that. now i just muddle through myself. my gp was supposed to be getting me in with some forensic team who done a lot with bpd and i could go as id been introuble with the police but it all seems to be bollocks and blocked by the mh place i was under. they still play games,carry on it will bite u in the end.anyway it seems to have come to nothing with no real explination.i was conned by them thats what i get for trusting them. i wont ever go near another psyc doc as long as i live. i did better without them and now i dont consider they have any skill they just guess.untill i got involved with them id avoided the police and everyone,since they came on the scene my life fell apart. now i have to get through everyday and try somehow to get back to how i was putting them and the rest out of my mind. i proved that consultant to be a liar and his department making up the rules to suit themselfs when i first went there but what can u do they are almighty doctors and beyound question. actually it amuses me that the consultant forgot the first time i met him a couple years before. id had some sort of episode,god knows wat,and i endedup seeing him as an urgent case so he fitted me in at the end of his day. hed been given a story of what id been doing and half way throught the consultation was writing a prescription. he told me to get the meds asap and he would ring me. so i went home and the chemist was shut so i thought id get them in the morning. he rang soon after saying hed been thinking about it and i may have to go in the next day as there were legal and mental worries so could i be ready to go in. i said ok then an hour or so later googled the stuff hed put on the prescription. they were antipsychotics and a big dose. at that point i tore up the script and thought i aint taking them. i didnt go back in the following day and when they rang i told them where to go. that was it they dumped me. went from ur psychotic and we are concerned theres legal stuff gone on and ur not well to not our problem in a day.mental health is fun u make the rules up as u go along. never went back till 4 years later. i didnt say anything...

[ Continued ]

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part 4

Permanent Linkby rehtnap on Mon Sep 25, 2017 11:53 am

have been off the antipsych med a week and a bit and the world is a blut. im gona forget the past its all bollocks filled with medical people who just had it in for me. what they say they tried to make me belive but i know its all crud.i fell for it beliving it would help but they made so much up it could never work. they all watch me waiting for something but i dont know what. why dont they all go away and stop lieing to me.i was supposed to be getting to see some Councillor or some one but a year later they are silent,playing games,thinking their cleaver. why do i have to put up with such maggots they arnt worth the time of day. they hide behind the fact no one stands up to them. they corrupted the police but that backfired.i was a fool to give in to having the order put back on but i thought they are just going to stich me up anyway,all the doctors and everyone.now i watch them,they are so feeble they may try anything but havnt got the intelligence to get it right. i just stay away from them all it hurts my head to sit and listen to lies andthem trying to con me. now ill go back to doing the right thing,as i was i did better by myself without them sticking their noses in. i feel down and like crud at the moment i think ive got a cold but it doesnt stop me planning to keep them in the dark and at bay. now have to get my life back to how it was without them spoiling it.why are these people allowed to do what they do. they dont know me they dont care.well i dont care about them im far more intelligent that the lot put together.
enough of them they dont warrent the effort. need to get all these meds out my system and get back to been incontrol and correct the mess they got me in.they pursuaded me id done wrong when infact i was ok and justified they just caught me on a weak point. now it can be rearranged to work again. life is full of people that just get in the way people who are worthless.

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part3

Permanent Linkby rehtnap on Sun Sep 10, 2017 7:36 pm

i want to change my antipsychotic. the one im on seems to play hell with my mood and anxiety.i end up crying and stressed to death and i dont know why. i know its the antipsyc as when off it i dont get like this. its driving me to suicide i cant stand much more of it. i have a week to wait to see my doc and i think i can survive till then. i hope he agrees to change it otherwise ill just have to stop it. i dont understand why i get such a reaction to it its odd. my mood stabilizer isnt as effective as it was but the doc wont change 2 meds at once.life has been really down recently,im smoking way too much and intend to stop before my lungs give in. sleep is wierd i sleep 2/3 hours then wake up and need to walk arounfd before i can sleep again but its not a deep sleep more a waking snooze. i dont like the way life has turned out i have screwed my life and cant get it back on track so many things are wrong.the voice pesters me it wont go away.i ignore it but it keeps coming back.i know its wrong in what it says but it repeats and repeats. what is wrong with me. i cant get any interest in anything or get any focus on anything.the meds i had when sectioned worked well but i couldnt have the dose when released as had to be under supervision when on them.i miss them. its beennearly 2 years since i was sectioned but it seems like yesterday i dont know where the months have gone. life is becoming a blur. mental health seem to have decided im best left with minimal intervention but i fear im slipping further and further into mental numbness. i wonder what life would be like if i stopped all meds and see if i returned to how i was. i dont think i could stand the hyper times both mentaly and phsyically again and dont really want to go there but there are days it seemed better than now. it wasnt it got me into a lot of trouble which will be with me for life.i had a chemical castration injection again as i was drifting back to old ways and i cant risk that. its horrible really but best of a bad deal.feel dehumanized.cant get rid of the feeling everyones watching me and the cctv cameras follow me,i know they are. big brother watching me waiting for me to mess up.yesterday i hit a low i was suicidal again,really suicidal and it hasnt completely gone away.maybe it is time to go i dont see a place for me in this world. i hate these feelings life is so low,anything i try is ending in disaster these days,nothing works and ive lost confidence in myself.i make so many mistakes and bad judgments i dont know what to do anymore.all in all life is crap really crap and im fed up.the days disappear and all i want t o do is sleep the day away.wish there was one pill u could take and go to sleep and just fade away quietly.so down.im sad

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part 2

Permanent Linkby rehtnap on Wed Aug 23, 2017 9:26 pm

i was put back on low level antipsychotics which seem to help but they give me jitters.i worry as my mood is all over the place with anger outbursts and then the opposite of spending money like its nothing.i dont know what to do all i can think of is putting the mood meds dose up but thats the docs decicion and i dont know if i can talk to him properly at the moment. im in a $#%^ place right now,im trying to hold on to reality but i cant work out whats what. the police have gone quiet which worries me they are like a wounded animal thats gone to ground and waiting to pouncne when disturbed.why they pick on me they had nothing,they never will they couldnt find their way out a paper bag.they hate me i know so i have to keep well away from them.they watch me all the time i see them allover.nobody talks to me anymore theyve got to everyone but it will take more than that to get me.perhaps i should have more meds or maybe less i could have been on them too long.how the hell do i know.why is everyone after me.ive got two wombles to watch out for me they watch for anyone sneeking up.things arnt going right seems everythngs not working.its a plane they want they turn people against u hoping ull crack but i learnt when nobody bothered about me when i was half dead all u need is ur head. they cant take that.the police have spies out ive seen them in the village. they use pensioners to watch me.why would an old woman suddenly decie im the person she ants to talk to then digs me for info.im ahead of them there.have to stay in to sty away from them but need to go out as have jobs i have to do.those 2 havnt been round for a few days hes playing games as m so close to his secret.just cant get the last bit to drop into place but been tired. why do the birds sitout in the rain they look so wet.if i could have my lorazipam back id be better but then theyd take my licience.i wont let them make me suffer like that.why do people die round me.only friend i had died.bad dreams bad thoughts.some deserve it some well dont matter.if the whole world died whoed bury the bodies.f u didnt bury them the police would have a go at u for not doing it and be on ur back.people look at me they can see something i can see it in their eyes.being alone ur the attention of every one,everyone who doesnt want toknow. i thought id found a nnew friend on a web chat room. a ex con a transvestite murderer with mh and drink probs.got on ok for a while but hes dissapeared now.no one left.

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me

Permanent Linkby rehtnap on Sun Jul 30, 2017 11:42 pm

ive always had gender issues. simple ones,not complicated like others.some like the dresses and underwear,i could do that without gender change,some like to look female in face and body to pass like theyve never been male. for me since i can remember my head looked for a vagina and saw none. breasts were the same. i wish when i was near puberty id been castrated of treated on hormnes and been female from then but it couldnt happen then and didint. all my life i couldnt fit in,i didnt want a girlfriend,i didnt want a boyfriend really because i was wrong.i grew up manly in body but curvey and hated it.6"2 big hands the works. ive never been happy. i did when and where possible have my pretend vagina.when i had sex the guys said ur so fem ur better than the wife. when i first went on castration i for the first time felt good. no male response i saw a glimps of how i should be.i couldnt see a way to make it permanent so i gave up.now back on it because i cant control myself when the hormons rise and the mind goes i feel i have to hurt.i can never explain that i want a vagina,to me its been female. why cant i be a butch female,a person like a trans man who turned bac. its a simple op but no it will never be.does anyone care these days iif i was to say im mixed gender.im maleish in looks but genital wise ive a vagina and breasts. a mixture. ive always been a mixture,who says i have to meet a standard.if i got it but said no ive always been mixed gender then they would say odd but hey thats u. because i want it now im a freak. i hurt because of that.i feel lost. now i hope my testicles shrink till they dont exist and my penis goes to the size of a clit then aat least ill be one step nearer. the castration drugs screw ur mind. the concentration goes.the ability to think,but the docs and the powers to be like me like that,no longer a risk in one sense.maybe a risk in others as the hatred rises but as im slowly going mad i dont care. this time ive asked to go back on the meds,nothing left.they dont need a psyc ward im in hell already.theres no way back from here only a step to either side.i cant live without the psyc meds now.i cant cope with reality,it hurts too much. without the meds id explode,id mess up.one small operation and id be happy. because i want that im mad. if i didnt want it id be mad. i see the world go by and im not part of it anymore.what i see others dont but its real to me. i dont complain why should i its my world.i think they see but are scared to say so they go about ignoring what they seeonly i can see the truth.death is all around. it waits and follows watching for the day. i can see them all,the shadows,the black light everywhere.ill be one,follow,watch,wait.

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