been an interesting time.swapped hiv meds and i dont like the new ones,have asked to go back on my old ones.they have given me insomnia and i generally feel crap.only started when i went over to the new one,lost my appetite and other things. actually the next conversation with the doc will be give me my old meds back i aint taking these. doesnt bother me if i dont have them,never has,but ill be dammed if im taking ones that make me feel worse. i totally expect the normal answer - well this isnt normal with these or not the meds its something else- when i told the old doc i had a bad throat when i had a std he bluntly said thats not a side effect of the infection. oh yeh for real so why is it listed on the nhs web page about the illness. they think ur thick.its why i changed clinics.cant do with the arrogant docs they hold no use to me. anyway soon time to see the new doc and see wat he/she is like.
been looking at ian brady`s goings on since he died. guy was interesting,bad in what he did as anything to do with harming kids is off limits. i refuse to get into the frenzy of describing him as they do.it became a media frenzy and they have used it whenever they have had a chance to boost sales. ok so in nomall world he was depraved but i was more interested in how his head worked.ive found people cant discus this subject as they cant understand his actions so usually just say he was evil and clam up. thats just them not being able to cope with hard subjects.i talked to one guy and said one thing u have to do to understand him is put the nastyness of what he did to one side and look at what he was thinking. all u get is how can u be so cold he murdered and raped kids. ok yes he did and thats not good but behind that is the man.i can be cold and some things dont bother me,$#%^ happens.perhaps i just dont give a dam anymore theres hundreds like them in the world. i was more interested in the missing kid keith.for 50 years theres been a hunt for his grave and so much crud and false information put out,partly by the papers to sensationalize the problem, that sifting out the facts was fun.the pictures from the time helped as well as some have them stood by or near the graves.there was no accurate map of the grave sites but it took a whole 2 days to work them out to within a few feet.evry one thinks there was some secret code and other stuff on where the grave is but once u have the info for the 3 found graves then u can see his thinking. maybe its my warped mind and i can think like him as far as how would i pick the sites.it was written that he planned everything carefully and how he used land marks/terrain to decide on sites. when u plot the graves,look at the terrain and work out wht he used to site them and look with his thinking in ur mind it jumps out at u,well it did for me.its not complicated he kept it simple in a hidden sort of way,he was devious like that.ive been on his brothers web site and posted my thoughts.one was shot down in flames and the other deleted. allen his brother then posted a post basically saying the location is far away from where it is. hes done it to protect the site but it was such an indication im close. he says they have a football pitch size area to search but i think it can be brought smaller than that. aint gona say any more till ive been again and had a look at my new info.my thoughts are besides been depraved as he liked kids he wasnt very good at his actions as he got caught in a short time.so his planning every thing meticulously wasnt as good as people think. the best crime is one no one knows has been done or isnt reconised as a crime.some of these serial killers just want to be caught they want the fame.their so called desires must go away as being caught stops then being able to carry on.i think its maybe like they tell me the borderline personality disorder can be like. i read a blog done by a woman about the sex side of it and like she said u want to be hurt and hurt,to feel hightened sensation...

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like a fool i went to the mental health appointment. stunk of we are just humouring your gp. all i got at the end of a joke interview was we will write to you. that means we have humored ur gp so not to upset him but u can go jump in a lake.i was so suppisious when after been told my diagnosis had no treatment(a mental health service get out and fob off,even my hiv nurse said that!!!)suddenly im to be seen to have treatment. so stick their meds where the sun doesnt shine. i reject fully their diagnosis, they are nothing more than snake oil salesmen.i refuse point blank to ever see a mental health person ever again,infact for the forseeable future any doctor. they try and they better just take me to the police station.funny thing is i learnt that if they try to section you and you kick off bigtime then they dont want to know so they do leave you to the police who when u have calmed down send u home with at worst a public order fine..crisis response tosser told me that.made me laugh last year when the police sectioned me.after the interogation by 2 snake oil sales men and a social worker they wanted to keep me in.then a third snake oils salesman interogated me.apparently they were most concerned i was going to do harm to either my self or others. after an hour they changed their minds. odd me thinks untill the crissis response guy who had been with me told me they couldnt find a bed so gave up,changed their minds and went home.saved me walking out. dont think the police will waste time again trying that,its a pointless action.ive realized all the intervention of mental health when they did section me was just the vendictive way of the consultant. well i know what he is and he will never beat me,he hasnt the skill for one thing and for the other i have no mental health problems so what is he gona do. i think hes hacked off now because he knows i have no problems but he diagnosed i had and now hes realized hes screwed himself and just hopes ill go away. well i have, i have no reason on this earth to be involved with snake oil salesmen.but it does mean u avoid a section when theirs no reason u ever need one..ive stopped all meds as apart from disbeliving anything mental health say,dvla have grumbled over possible side effects from any meds, including hiv ones that havnt given me any side effects that affect driving, i take. simple cure,i dont take any meds of any kind anymore problem solved,give me my licience.the hiv clinic are a set of drama queens out to get me.they first winge oh u must take them or u might get ill but when i asked so how long if i dont take them oh well 5 to 8 years before it shows a problem. ok my age i might see u in 6 years but dont hold ur breath,its all a bloody con. why be on drugs now when its 8 years away it starts showing. anyway i reject their recomendations they can jump in a lake for all care,i dont need to have to watch out for con men like them on my back.
so now i keep away from doctors i dont trust a single one of them they are all bad.i have things i must do and the last thing i need is them getting in the way.ive wasted 2 years because they conned me into thinking i had a problem when it was them who have a problem.

i was pondering my diagnosis today and whilst some of it does fit how i am i know the consultant ignored or just didnt recognize some of the other bits.i know from years back i suffer stress induced psychosis.its complicated as when ive seen some one about my problems in years gone by its always been kept under cover so to speak.there is an offical report from a job i had 15 years ago where i had had incidences where i worked culminating in me dissapearing for a week.i dont even know where i went or what i did but when i returned i was seen by a doc over a few days and again stress induce psychosis was his thought along with some version of mood dissorder.he did have some reports on me i didnt know,they were more concerns but it resultedin me been discharged from the job. actually my mood went off the planet,i told them to stick their job,stick their diagnosis and never bother me again.i cant get any of the paper work regarding all that due to the nature of the job i had,if they didnt shred it then its buried deep and they will deniegh it happened.in all my life that was the first time i had had a doc see me because of my actions theyd seen.in the next job i had a couple or 3 years in i got sent to a private doctor by the company because of my actions and other staff were concerned.i never saw the report but i was taken off saftey related work imeadiattly and life went very wierd at work.the guys i worked with used to call me jekyll and hide.one who trusted a lot,he had won awards for man manegment and other stuff talked to me after this and said you have real problems dont you,ive seen it before why dont you go get help. typical me,oh no i can manage its not a problem im used to it ect ect.but he told me you dont realize when youve tripped out do you,you get paranoid over things and sometimes ive seen you away in another world,you come and tell us things that no one has said but your convinced you herd it from someone and then trip out as you think we are makingit up. you dont know how many times youve come close to been discaplined but we have covered for you.i did have a couple of rel trip outs,one resulted in a formal investigation but due again to the natureof where i worked it was whitewashed.around this time i had got hiv and had to tell the company and that made me a marked man,my days there were very numbered.shortly after i was told i had hep c as well and had been put forward for treatment soon. that was it they wanted me out asap. as it happened i started the treatment and it made me so ill and tripped my mood i walked out within the month.that treatment really screwed my mental health. they warned me if i had any previous mentl problems it could make it worse.i wish i had never done that treatment it has cost me so much.the guys i had worked with were told not to have contact with me due to the nature of my leaving.that big corperate companies for you just a set of lieing arse lickers.i never told the doc most of this. i couldnt prove what the docs said i never got any paperwork and iknow both companies would keep quiet about it due to what they do.you know if you think we are going to admit the guy thats just spent 35 million of our money actually is mentally unstable and psychotic then you are dreaming.as life has gone on and things just go round in circles you blank out the bad bits hoping that next time will be different,next time you will catch it,next time you will stay with it.but it doesnt work like that.im 53 and ive ended up with nothing.all my friends have deserted me if they were ever friends at all,my head is screwed up,my health is shot.ive ended up introuble with the police big time although i still have a problem with wats gone on.i have always had a problem with bad thoughts.some ive acted on and some have come close they are my secrets and they stay with me. since the hep treatment things got worse and over the last few years have taken over.right now i know im climbing hyper again.i think the mood...

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i cut back on my mood stabilizer and i think that was a bad idea. ive been so tired lately and i thought it was those but it wasnt,cutting back made no improvement to tiredness it has just made me go wierd again. last year i was on an antipsychotic as well but it gave me jitters so i came off it. thing was i had a period where i had excess tablets so i upped the dose myself and apart from being a bit slower i felt better,calmer.maybe it was just thinking had slowed down or they had more effect,all i know is they worked.i think the dose of mood stabilizers im on isnt working anymore things are going bad again. thing is the diagnosis i got doesnt really have meds as a treatment but wats in a name if they work. i want to go back on the antipsychotics at the higher dose along with my mood meds but i only see my gp and he isnt really the guy to say yes or no and i dont see mental health for it anymore.i look onit now as without meds it will all go bad big time but i dont know how to do that.im not bothered what they call the condition i just know without any meds i will loose it again.im already having really bad thoughts i dont know how long ill stay with it. ive already been found in another world by joe public,im loosing hours,days.when i reduced my mood med to near stopped i climed hyper within a couple of weeks i just managed to get a bigger dose down me eventually but ive had a few weeks going out of controll.i was trying to get off all meds so icould have my driving licience back and be normal. now i realize normal is bad. i dont care about driving id rather be slower and medicated than go through life as it was.im scarred i will just loose reality and ive no one to see that.its hard enough getting through a day as it is without having to wonder if ive lost hours again and whats happened then.i dont want to be like this anymore,suicide is looming again. i cant see an end to it.

apparently we are to see community mental health again this month.its to have an assesment to be considered to be put forward for external cbt type treatment as it got refused before. these are the people that wanted nothing to do with me and did everything in their pathetic power to try to hurt me. the lied hoping i would be delt with by the police and they wouldnt have to bother but that backfired on them. what became very interesting is last week a health care proffesional who i see and was involved for the last few years was just enquiring how my driving licience application was going and i told him they were iffy over the mental health diagnosis. then he hit me with it,he said well we all know that was a cop out diagnosis so mental health could dump you,you freaked out the consultant. so later this we will trot down to their place and see apparently 2 mental health workers.my gp said its just a formality to get put forward for treatment but i know what their intentions are,it will be the same as last time a reason to try to get in my head and then to say im too unstable again. i dont know if i can really be bothered with them they think they are cleaver but they dont know what they are playing with.the consultant was the same. my opinion of such guys is they only want to boost their own egoes and have self satisfaction they did something.they arnt proper doctors. when i was on the ward he tried to work me out,tried to get in my head first by being harsh and when that didnt work he tried to be nice but got nowhere.when i was there i just wouldnt play his game and that got to him he again doesnt know what hes trying to mess with. it is way beyound anything he can handle hence he eventually ran away. we got the diagnosis he gave as with that he saves face on actually failing and also its untreatable so he can say well your discharged we cant treat you anymore. more than one health care person has told me the same.
i dont understand mental healths problem.they seemed to think that i had some sortof problem with they way i act and what i say. i have no problem what so ever with it.to me theres not a problem what i do is justified and thats an end to it why all the wailing..the guys and the girls in the graveyard understand me,its the only place i get someone real to talk to.like weve said all souls at some point reach an end,someone has to collect them. my mark comes and visits me their when hes not buisy.he understaands me he doesnt judge he knows what hasto be done.its been quiet for nearly a year we have had to rest and think,work things out as other things have changed.not hard but have to get every thing right so work can go on unhindered. made me laugh with the police last year they seemed to think there was evidence on my computers and stuff. when your hounest and say what your looking for isnt there they still plod on and look. oh so distrusting lol.i mean when they turn up and arrest you for gbh,drag you down the station and then admit well actually we havnt got a person youve been grievous to how can you take it seriously.what did they expect,me to say oh i feel sorry for you let me tell you where some are.im not quite sure it works like that i think your supposed to find them first.tea was nice though,sausage and beans with coffee and had a nice sleep before interogation. i quite like the cells.no one to bother you,safe,can shut down and wait for head games.the cells are actually desinged to undermine you and not really let you sleep properly. they leave the light on,theres an aircon unit running constantly,the temp is just chilly enough but not cold,theres no way to tell time,the bed is basically a concrete slab with an inch thick mattress.all subitally intended to not let you rest.doesnt work with me,i used to sleep in a breakdown truck with the engine running to add a little heat and the hours we worked the time never mattered,.wonder if they know sleep deprivation is outlawed as an interogation method. i was a bit...

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