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Musings from behind the mask
Hello! Having BPD, I often find myself putting on a 'mask' for the world. I am OK, I am fine, Don't worry about me. This serves me well most of the time.

I have started blogging as a means of acknowledging what is going on in my mind and perhaps in retrospect I will be able to see any progress I have made or behavioural patterns I hadn't already noticed.

It's Just random thoughts, fact and flights of fancy.

I don't expect anyone will read it and that is OK because I am doing it for me. But if you do and you 'get' me, let me know!
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
Posts: 38
Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2015 4:40 am
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- December 2016
Attracting the same men. Again and again and again
   Sun Dec 11, 2016 7:45 am
I am a real sucker
   Thu Dec 08, 2016 4:30 pm
The Day I Tried to Live
   Wed Dec 07, 2016 9:14 pm
A man wrote me poetry
   Tue Dec 06, 2016 8:34 am
just a dip or am I falling?
   Sat Dec 03, 2016 11:00 am

+ November 2016
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Attracting the same men. Again and again and again

Permanent Linkby redrob on Sun Dec 11, 2016 7:45 am

So. The new friend I aquired is not connected to any of my other friends. It was a hobbies group. So it was completely random that he befriended me. But hell, out of all the fb pages in the world, he stumbled into mine.

It's been a little more than a week and it's been like a fairground ride. Up, down. Declarations of love, loyalty, compliments, affection, laughter and lightness, then it goes dark. Demanding. Emotional manipulation, pressure upon me to do what he wants. Jealousy, guilt trips. Emotional breakdowns that I am 'needed for. Crying. Anger.

Wow. He sounds a little like me! Has the borderline attracted the borderline?!

A couple of friends have said 'just block him', but I can't as I would feel very mean. I hate rejecting people as much as I hate being rejected. Plus he is not bad all of the time....famous last words, lol. At least he is in another country, he can't kidnap me and hide me away in caaptivity. Can he?

I guess when the friendship is more work than fun then I will consider ending it.

My ex and my new friend share many of the same qualities and personality characteristics. The men I seem to become involved with on a friendship level and beyond seem to have common traits.
They should be red flags to me by now.

1. Addiction
2. Falls in love quick and hard
3. Falls out of love quick and hard
4. Creative. Usually musician
5. Romantic
6. Highly intelligent
7. Mentally unstable ( if not drug /alcohol induced.) to some degree
8. Sensitive, loving, free spirited
9. Who have been hurt and have trust issues
10. Charming, witty and usually good looking
11. One ups you on everything. You tell a story, they have aa better one.
11. Not as self assured as they portray
12. Constantly needing reassurance of their worth
13. Who want you to be as excited about their interests them as they are
14. But don't take any interest in yours
15. Who talk over me and don't let me say my piece.
16. seems to thrive on emotional turmoil
17. Innappropriately dramatic reactions to seemingly inconseqential events
18. Who split between adoring me and detesting me
19. Who put conditions upon a friendship that I have no say in
20. Who believe they are owed something (by me, other people, the world)
21. Believes they are more hard done by than others.
22. Prone to sulking/tantrums when they don't get what they want.

Does anyone else find they are meeting the same people over and over?

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I am a real sucker

Permanent Linkby redrob on Thu Dec 08, 2016 4:30 pm

For attention it seems.
Maybe for love
For affection
Just some kind
of connection

Words are easy
to drop like jewels
the real deal?
just sparkly enough
to appeal

He points at the sky
And asks what I see
Then asks me to tell him
Its green
even if its not
he says say it for me

0 Comments Viewed 2401 times

The Day I Tried to Live

Permanent Linkby redrob on Wed Dec 07, 2016 9:14 pm

I cannot take credit for this but it keeps talking to me

I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head
It said seize the day, pull the trigger, drop the blade
And watch the rolling heads

The day I tried to live
I stole a thousand beggar's change
And gave it to the rich
The day I tried to win
I dangled from the power lines
And let the martyrs stretch

One more time around
Might do it
One more time around
Might make it
One more time around
Might do it
One more time around
The day I tried to live

Words you say never seem
To live up to the ones
Inside your head
The lives we make
Never seem to ever get us anywhere
But dead

The day I tried to live
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs

I woke the same as any other day you know
I should have stayed in bed

The day I tried to live
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs

And I learned that I was a liar
Just like you

Last edited by Snaga on Thu Dec 08, 2016 5:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: source added

0 Comments Viewed 2199 times

A man wrote me poetry

Permanent Linkby redrob on Tue Dec 06, 2016 8:34 am

We have only just met thru fb. He lives in another country.
He seems to have an intense interest in and though I am intrigued I am not naive enough to take it all too seriously.
But it feels nice to be attractive to someone.

"insert my real name'
Thank you sweet little sad.
Some semblance to confidence
Is restored.
Still holding sweet
I may actually attempt to speak
Telepathy doesn't work I guess.
I have no idea how to do this
So advice is kind
To the uninformed
Every love I've led
Has been given back in surprised
That was not studied cool
I lost that book and skipped class
I'm glad they assumed
I just ate
Every love I've led
Was with women who had a brow
That did not pretend to unwant
I thought they were out of my league
This terror appeared to be intrigue.
Thank ###$ for that
I've never considered to lock this box
Because my heart
Is especially intended for thieves
I'm only delighted to end the suspense
Because instead of cold
What each discovered inside
Was something
I'd saved
To keep us warm.
So now that I've been scolded
That I'm both beautiful and interesting
For the umpteenth time
I buy it for a dollar
But will someone help?
How to I gift it to a specific life
Instead of someone seduced long ago
Into believing they deserve all they want?
How do I approach
The long overdue in this world
And tell a woman who towers over the ground
And remind she need not
Always need to have her eyes
Inconvenienced there
That unless she's hatching her next evil plot
Or delicious in deep thought
Please feel free to include
Deciding what she wants me to deliver.
And that from now on
Clearing away the debris by hand
Or interior places that may be hazy from wear
By clumsy paws
I can clearly see are inferior to her
Are now is her man's life work?

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just a dip or am I falling?

Permanent Linkby redrob on Sat Dec 03, 2016 11:00 am

Something I was diagnosed with and prescribed anti-depressants for in my early twenties. I am now in my early forties and still being treated for depression and anxiety.

There have been periods of time - a year here or there where I have gotten off them but soon enough I will find my joie de vivre slipping away.

I dropped my dosage perhaps 2 months ago and perhaps I have been a little hasty considering the hellish year and the recent breakup.

I notice that perhaps I am becoming depressed when I stop singing in the car or the shower, showering is a chore, waking up is hard, getting to sleep is hard. I smoke too much pot (despite knowing it is probably adding to things). Energy levels drop to that of someone physically ill. I start to retreat and become insular. I have even noticed recently that I have reverted back to single player video games rather than those with interaction. Starving oneself to be thin. Using benzos to make me numb. Any drug offered I will accept without question except alcohol, opiates and hallucinagens.

I haven't written in this blog for a few days as I guess I haven't wanted to acknowledge that perhaps I am not quite right at the moment. I mean not that anyone reads it even. It's just something I wanted to do for myself but somehow it felt kind of vain or something. Chucking all my ideas into the ether as if anything I say has never been said before.

Despite the 28 day achievement, I have had moments of missing him and wondering if he is OK. Remembering a time when things were so magical. I even let myself shed tears over him. I don't want to become vulnerable to contacting him. I know it is way too soon (if ever) and I need to recover.

So I guess I will put the effexor back to 225mg. I don't know. I am sick of meds but without them I am sick.

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