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Trying to move forward
Yesterday I took my first step as a person who doesn't go out of her way to be kind. I had a tip for the hairstylist for 20% of the total price and I didn't give her that. Instead I made it for less than 15%. It was a hard thing to do. Impulsively I want to do good to those that are so kind to me. I go out of my way and I literally show it by paying them a nice tip. But I am changing for the better. I first need to take care of me. I have been treated shabbily by a few too many people in my life that I am unable to carry this weight of anger inside of me. Sometimes it turns to rage and I have a strong desire for revenge. I need to stop letting myself be treated this way. I get taken advantage of for my kindness and it feels awful. I don't want to be a mean person. So I am changing my approach. Fairness. I will give what is fair in terms of myself because if I cannot afford a large tip, then something less will have to suffice. And when people hurt me I will not allow them to enter into my life. I will somehow stay away from them and not have them in my home. My home is my safe haven. It no longers bothers me that I've been cheated or treated bad, I feel with me putting up boundaries I am completely safe and I can move forward. I no longer feel the strong emotions of hate or anger that would consume my thoughts daily. It is a terrible thing to be treated bad. It takes the mind and heart time to process it. I can't readily say I've forgiven the people because I haven't. And for now, I have no intention to do that. I am not quite there yet. But I am ready to defend myself in every way possible from these type of people even if it is as simple as staying as far away from them as I can! I don't want to live enraged and suspicious of every person that enters my life. I don't feel happiness or joy. Conciously I am now able to move forward into better enjoying my everyday life. With that behind me as a hard learned lesson. A memory now. When before it was a terrible memory.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"
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Bipolar I ADD (inattentive kind) *I take loads of meds, but they keep me stable |
March 2022
January 2022
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