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quietgirl2538
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Joined: Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:23 am
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From Hell to Gladness--My worst episode yet

Permanent Linkby quietgirl2538 on Sat Aug 15, 2015 10:34 pm

It seems like I've only written little updates here and there, not necessarily a Blog, per se. So much has happened in my life since my biggest and worst episode that started the decent downhill for my depression, beginning in September of 2014 and it ended Feb.26, 2015. 6 Months!!! 6 miserable months of my life, bipolar has taken from me. I don't hate it, I lived through it and I knew no other life, nor that my life was better than others. I just hung on and when I felt I couldn't hang on any longer I turned to loved ones for help. My husband, my dear friends. I cried and cried and my friend heard me and let me just cry some more. She stood by my side and said what she thought was helpful. I'll take the kindness she offered even if her words were way off. I was very ill, I was suicidal. I don't want to trigger anyone here so I'll just leave it at the point that I would have had to be protected from myself in a hospital, but the medicine the doctor prescribed was finally working and it was completely in my system. In December the doctor was trying another medicine to see if that would work against the depression and it didn't, that was Latuda. I was taking 120mg and the max. dosage is 160mg. (I'm not 100% sure of this fact). So during all this time, my depression was quickly getting worse and worse. I was experiencing mood swings and so much severe depression. And life goes on, I would have to go on with Christmas, feeling nothing. No joy. The kids put up the ornaments and the garland. My husband put up the tree. I barely took out a few boxes of decorations for the house and set them up. That was all I did. No meaning to it. Buying presents didn't mean much to me either. I love to shop and this past Christmas I didn't want to go anywhere. January was the worst month of this episode. I didn't know if I truly was going to make it, to be alive another day. My mind was playing tricks on me. I couldn't stop thinking about how to make an exit from this world. But I was either entering a hospital until I became stable or the meds would help me. So I made it. I was no longer suicidal, but I still had little issues, although nothing severe. February 26 was the day I woke up feeling like a new person. I have bipolar. There is no question about it. There was a time I would question the diagnosis, do I really have bipolar? If I stopped taking all my meds would there even be a difference in how I felt, because maybe I really don't have bipolar? This episode showed me that I'm mentally ill. That I have an illness called Bipolar, it's bipolar 1 mixed. That's what the psychiatrist diagnosed me as. During those times I was so ill, I began seeing the therapist once again. I had gone months without seeing her as I felt fine and figured I would be fine for a good long while. I was going every week, being told that if I needed to be seen on the weekends it was fine with her. I was very very ill during this time. I can understand how all of us who suffer with mania, depression, psychosis, how we keep it to ourselves because for me I was afraid for other people to see what was going on in my head. I didn't want to scare them. I was going through hell, if not worse. And they would be helpless in trying to help me. It was my mind I was fighting and there was not way to win unless you had medicine to fix it.

So now it's August 15. I am very happy. I have happiness and joy in my everyday life. My family is a blessing. Life in itself is a blessing. I thank God for so much and especially for my mental well-being so I can enjoy the pleasures of life. I have experienced lots and lots of insomnia. But it is nothing compared to my last episode. I am taking meds and different meds until something works for me. Right now I'm at 100mg of Seroquel. That stuff is good. Last night I slept soundly. I hope it continues to work. I rather like it.

The summer came and went. Bipolar-wise everything is good right now. Depression isn't actually here, it seems I feel rather tired when I can't sleep for days. But if I rest I feel wonderful. I'm on a new antidepressant, Wellbutrin XL 300mg. I don't feel any side effects whatsoever. Brintellix was great as an antidepressant but I just happened to be one person who just happened to experience some of the side effects, extreme drowsiness, nausea and vomiting. I've since stopped taking it.

I recall in the past when I would literally never call the doctor. Depression for me was normal. It was my constant everyday mood. I accepted that because I have always been somewhat depressed at different levels for many years. For most of if not all of my adult life. Now I call the doctor for anything, it seems. My therapist encourages me to, or else I'd stay suffering away when there is help readily available.

I will end this here. It has been 15 days that my face has brightened with a smile knowing I am blessed to have met a new friend. Friends are to be treasured and treated with love and kindness. Since August 1 and now it's August 15, I am blessed indeed. Dare I say thank you God for allowing me to have bipolar? No not really, but I do want to give thanks for bringing a wonderful friend into my life through the forum. They have blessed me with their presence.

“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Bipolar I
ADD (inattentive kind)
*I take loads of meds, but they keep me stable
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