Psychology and Mental Health Forum


https://www.psychforums.com/blog/pixi3/useless_b-8519.html
Author:  pixi3 [ Sat Jun 13, 2015 8:21 am ]
Blog Subject:  Useless
I have been misusing pain meds and antihistamines lately. Get the feeling I might be getting a bit dependent on the codeine. But now I've run out of the painkillers and feel crappy and I'm worried about trying to get more in such a short period. These things are monitored even though its otc stuff it gets logged against your name and address.

Been a bit better on the eating thing, but only because I've had no choice. Only really eat when I'm being watched. Boyfriend is getting suspicious. I don't want an ED label, or any label really, and yet I realise that my thought processes around eating are not good, but I can't seem to stop them. It's possibly the control involved that makes me feel better about myself somehow.

Yesterday we went to the movies and I thought great, we can share popcorn and that way he won't know how much or rather little I have. And I can get out of dinner. But then there was chocolate and I had too much of that and the popcorn and now I'm feeling crappy and fat and want to cut. Its every second thought that goes through my head. These urges had subsided the past few days but now they're back with a vengeance. Idiot.

Been feeling unattractive. The boyfriend is showing no interest. I don't know what I'd do even if he did.

All my problems are self made. Probably for that reason that I feel like I shouldn't be posting. Like its disrespectful somehow. It's why half the things I write never make it out. I feel useless.


Comments
Author:  Snaga [ Sun Jun 14, 2015 4:11 pm ]
Grrrr every time I hear about a girl thinking they're fat.... you know, some of us guys do not at all mind a chubby girl. I mean really chubby, not I have a bad self image chubby. Please eat, baby doll. Don't abuse yourself.

I do worry about the pills. That's a place you don't want to go. Ive close kin that I've basically written off because they're hooked on pain pills. Every time someone sees them around town, they tell me how terrible they look. Thin and sickly and either high, or looking like they need a fix. You're going to have to nip that $#%^ in the bud now, okay? Don't be one of these that go hopping from Dr to Dr to get prescriptions for pain pills and diet pills and all sorts of other pills. Pls be careful not to get hooked on pills, okay? Sorry I'm getting onto you, but I've seen what happens and I have a horror of it happening to anyone, getting hooked on pills.

As far as the b/f, sometimes we get the feeling a girl wants to be left alone. I'd feel much worse if he was a boor that insisted on sex no matter how you were doing. Maybe you should talk with him... I know you're trying to hide the eating thing from him. I can't remember, how is he about the SH and cutting and stuff? I mean, like my Snagina, she doesn't know I burn, and I simply can't talk about it to her. So I know sometimes we just have to suffer in silence, but please try to eat healthy, okay? Don't worry about a little chubby. If your b/f didn't like you for that, need to find another b/f. The Snagina will never, ever, be anything close to skinny. She found someone. Believe me there's lots of guys that don't think girls have to be barbie dolls. ((((hugs))) Okay I'll stop preaching.
Author:  pixi3 [ Mon Jun 15, 2015 4:54 pm ]
Snaga :oops: Thanks, and I'm sorry, and you're too kind...

I'm sorry that you've had to watch someone close to you get hooked on pills.
The pills are something that needs to be watched. I know. I was hooked on codeine before as a teen, and then I realised it and stopped cold turkey and wasn't human for a time. I have a control obsession. Anyway, I wouldn't let it get to the point that I go Dr hopping I think. I'd be too scared of getting caught. I did however get my boyfriend to go get me more under the pretext that its to help with the swelling of my ear piercing. And I've been feeling terrible about this. I might not lie to him directly, but clearly I can be manipulative. Its such a hateful characteristic, and I need to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. Somehow.

The boyfriend is an angel and would love me regardless of how I look. Even in the morning before my coffee! I think he actually prefers it when there's more of me to hold, and definitely more boobs-wise. But I don't really like having boobs, and being thinner means less boobs I guess.
Thank you, I did mention to him that it felt like he wasn't interested and he said he's been holding back because he doesn't want me to feel bombarded all the time. It does get a bit too intense for me at times, so the fact that that was the reason meant a lot to me.
I can't bring myself to talk about the SH though. We had a few conversations (and fights) about the cutting when we first started dating, he asked about the scars and I told him, but it was not something that he was equipped to deal with. And knowing how much it hurt him then I have been hiding it from him ever since, so I am sure he will have assumed that I've stopped. I've gotten smarter (sneakier) about it and know better now than to mindlessly attack my forearm and rely on long sleeves.

The sensible part of me realises that I'm not fat, but I've got this nasty little voice in the back of my head that is never satisfied. And that says only two more kilos. Even when I get to what I always thought was my minimum weight. I don't know why I feel like I need to control this so much.

The control-freak thing can be a bit of a positive in the pill dept though. I'm not looking to get hooked again, so I guess I'll control myself.

Hugs! Sorry I'm not much of a comfort, but I want to be honest and open here on PF.
Author:  Snaga [ Wed Jun 17, 2015 4:49 pm ]
Well I can't think of any female worth her salt that can't manipulate a man every once in a while.... *grins* So I don't think that makes you evil.

Oh, NO! Less boobies???? *holds ears* LALALALALA can't hear you!

:) It's a funny world, girls who want less boobs and guys who would love to have boobs of their own. Yeah I got a little boob-envy, lol. Snagina has penis envy, I have boob envy. Just kidding about the boobs, sweetie. Any boob is a good boob, hope you get the ones you want. Snagina is so funny, she has... really big boobs, and I mentioned in passing not long back, that I really didn't care what size boobs were, I like them all. I think I put her rather out with that, she acted as if her feelings were hurt, as if I've ever had anything but the highest praise for her cup size. I never realised how much self-worth she must place in the breasts.

Ah the SH. Yes she has only suspicions at the most, and then, I'm not sure. I fear she would be horrified to learn I SH. And then we'd have to explain why, and then that might lead to more than just work and responsibilities, and then.... oh no. No no no no. She knows about the OCD. She's in denial about my sexuality, even though I think it's perfectly obvious I'm not perfectly straight. She knows about the ADD. I've hinted at the depression but even though she flatly states I never look happy, she seemed to be aghast and/or disinclined to think I was depressed. So.... we don't talk about my liking boobies AND penises, we don't talk about depression, or suicide, and above all, hurting myself. No. no no no. My only problem with sneaking my burning... is that I'm so hot natured, and work hard in a moderately warm environment, and live in the South. And it's summer. And I die in jeans this time of year. And long sleeves are impossible. So I would have to do upper leg. But I'm getting more tattoos, on the upper legs... so I can't do that. I'm screwed.

No. no no no. You're not fat. Repeat after me: I'm not fat.

(((hugs)))
Author:  pixi3 [ Thu Jun 18, 2015 4:59 pm ]
I'm not fat 8)

You kind of walked into that with your Snagina. By mentioning that you like all sizes you admit to having admired other boobs... how dare you :mrgreen:

Boobs are mostly an annoyance to me.

I get what you mean about not being able to discuss the difficult topics with the significant other. Its as if your issues are a reflection of how good a partner they are, when in fact its completely unrelated.
I remember one discussion with my boyfriend about the cutting that came to an abrupt end when he said something like "but why don't you just stop?" Righto. Why didn't I think of that...
All times are UTC

Powered by phpBB © 2002, 2006 phpBB Group
www.phpbb.com