I picture myself as a stick figure, and there is a group of other stick figures not far away. I walk over and immediately jump into discussion with them. One person acknowledges the things I am saying, but only for a moment. The conversation picks up among the other figures and my commentary is ignored. I walk away from the group with my head hanging, and no one notices.
I am extremely lonely, and I always have been. The first six years of my life, all I had was my parents and my grandmother. Kids at school used to make fun of me, and I used to sit in the sandbox alone during recess. My grandmother left when I was seven. My brother was born, then my parents were gone, too. I stopped having a close connection with my parents, and I was bullied at school for the way I looked and how "weird" I was. Even the other "weird" kids thought I was weird. I remained mostly alone without regard to romantic relationships, in which I still felt extremely lonesome, until I got into 10th grade. I made "friends," but quickly realized these people were only using me as a taxi. I exited high school with a sister-figure and one "best friend." That best friend constantly blew me off when I would ask her to hang out with me, yet I was there for her at 2am when she arrived at my home in tears with deep cuts on her arm. My sister-figure walked out of my life last year, and left me a message on Facebook letting me know she had talked about me behind my back during the eight years of our sisterhood. A few months after I started college in 2009 I got into a bad car accident that left me stranded at home. One person came to see me, but it was to bring me food. I've remained somewhat of a hermit since then.
I've spent the last 3 hours crying. I miss my mommy. She walked out on my family on December 18th. I lost my job on December 1st. I have my fiancee here with me now, but I am still insanely lonely. I think part of the reason for my loneliness is because I constantly avoid interaction with others, because I believe I am insignificant, and they don't need to concern themselves with me. But I long for someone to care. I long for a friend that I can count on who won't treat me like dirt and use me. I get jealous when I see people with their friends because I so badly want that, too. But I'm so afraid of people, and I'm so afraid of rejection that I won't even try to make friends. I just can't bring myself to do it. And because of that, I have remained alone. Lonely, depressed, and overwhelmed.
Every little thing in the world worries me. I worry so much that I don't even know how to relax, and I just can't do it. I feel so hopeless. I feel so out of control. I feel as though I carry everyone else's burdens, and I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I am going to crack, but it hasn't happened yet. I just want everything to go away and to have a great life with my girlfriend. I wish I didn't feel like I needed friends. I just want somebody to hold me and make everything better.
