| Psychology and Mental Health Forum | |
https://www.psychforums.com/blog/oath/index_sid-5743d686aa77aa7688b1c553913866b3.html |
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| Author: | oath [ Thu Aug 20, 2015 1:11 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | my mood tracking thread |
Just because I think it might give me some insight into my mood shifts and maybe ways to make them less frequent/intense. Yesterday was what made me want to do it, because my mood swings were some of the worst I have had in years. Context: Liz is in the hospital awaiting to be moved into a secure facility, I miss her and I love her, she could be discharged any day now and I have no guarantee of knowing where she is or if we can be in touch. Today was preceded by a day of very rapid mood shifts, bad coping. 12:15 PM: my brother comes in to tell me I've slept until noon. Not something I do often these days, but I was really upset last night so I had a terrible sleep, plus my dog kept waking me up. I didn't want to wake up this morning. All I could think was "how much are my emotions going to go all over the place today??" The thought is exhausting in and of itself. I decide just to play my DS for a while, and I cook a proper meal and stuff myself so that I'm less inclined to binge again today. I spent $40 on food yesterday and this can't keep happening so I will use what is at home. I tell myself that today, just for today, I am going to be OK. I'm not going to do anything crazy one way or the other, I'm going to try and accept things as they are, and be happy with what I have. I feel fine. 2 PM: dad wants me to go shopping with him, I welcome the distraction, but I went to the same store with Liz, so of course I think of her a bit. But I'm OK. And dad annoys me by telling me that the cashier is transgender, and he decided to tell the cashier that I used to be transgender and almost became a woman. Thanks a lot, I don't want to be part of that messed up little "brotherhood" that you're trying to lump me into. I didn't need to know that the cashier was transgender, though I had my suspicions. I hate that I'm right. I hate that I can tell when someone is transgender. Can people tell that I had years of estrogen? Will I be forever marked because of my mistake? I sit in the car feeling scared and angry, and resentful. 3 PM: I go on my computer and watch some youtube videos and a TV show, which makes me feel OK. I am happy with myself for coping so well with Liz today, I really thought today would be worse. I worry that Liz will meet better and cooler people wherever she is going, and maybe she will forget about me. I feel panicked, sad, and empty. I know this has happened before, but I just want to be able to keep one person in my life without my emotions ruining everything. 5:00 PM My brother tells me that my dad has been complaining about me behind my back, and telling others in the family stuff about me. Blaming me for things that others have done, things I couldn't have done because I spend every day at my stupid job. In a way it's welcome, because I get really angry. Thank God, I can think about something other than Liz. I did for about an hour and a half, then the anger has passed and she comes to mind. 6:30 PM: I eat dinner, play a bit more with my DS, and log on to here and listen to some music. I'm OK now, a bit unhappy about my moods being weird, but it isn't as bad as I was expecting it to be. Yesterday was so bad, I really thought today would be worse. So far so good. Liz wants me to try calling her today, so I set my alarm for the time that the nurses might let her use the phone. It depends if she eats today or not. Why won't she eat when she knows I can't talk to her if she doesn't? I wish I was enough of a motivating factor. But she has an eating disorder so it isn't really that simple...I accept it but I am sad when we can't speak. Oh well, I still feel ok for now, I'm not thinking about possibly losing her. |
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