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nikkee
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plodding along *trigger warning*
   Sat Jan 05, 2013 1:31 pm

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plodding along *trigger warning*

Permanent Linkby nikkee on Sat Jan 05, 2013 1:31 pm

things are moving along. i met with the funeral home and went over options, seems i dont have to many options in the end. it comes down to the almighty dollar.

im having moments where i feel theres so much to be done so much i dont want to leave unsaid. some things people will understand because ive written at length letters. somethings ive said to people and its relevence wont be knowen until afterwards.

i feel #######5 walking out on the people i love i do. but whens enough enough you know?

ive taken myself of my medication. while my theripist was on a break i took the opportunity to show him that i dont need it. but my next appointment will be a horrible one - him saying im being non compliant me saying i cant function with the level of dopedupness. he wont agree with me. mabye there is no point in going.

kinda sad tonight. well actually its 2:37 am so not night. if id never been given life i wouldnt have to know death.... im full of morbidity. so probably best people dont read my ramblings dont want to take anyone down with me but it is nice to have somewhere to get this $#%^ out of my head . so thank you.

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EXCITED! *trigger warning*

Permanent Linkby nikkee on Fri Dec 28, 2012 9:14 am

i was having a really hard time before chirsmtas because it was the first chrismtas with out my friend who died 7 months ago.. i was so gutted right before chrismtas and then something changed and for the first time in so long im EXCITED!

i was talking to someone about weather my friend would be in heaven this day or weather there was like a holding place as some catholics believe. two people on different occasions both said to me "to be absent with the body is to be present with the lord" that asnwerd my questions and i as able to go and visit my friends grave on chrismtas day without being sad because i knew she was having the Best party in heaven that i coudnt even imgine

since then my thoughts have been of ending my life. i am making the nessasary arrangements, i am not rushing this,i want all things in order here before i go. i have a meeting with the funeral home in a weeks time where we will discuss my needs and wants and of course the dreaded cost. i am not leaving my family to pick up finacially i want that burden to be taken from them. so it may take some time to get to where i can finally go home to my heavenly father. im picking 6 months to a year. i would rather it be now but i want to make it easier on my family. i no it wont be easy for them but ill do what i can while im here to ease them for wen the time comes


IM EXCITED! on that day i will be with him in paradice! i will see him face to face! i will see past loved ones. but most of all i will where god indeended for all his children to be in the first place!!! excited much? ABSOLUTLEY! :)
Last edited by janjones on Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

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ramblings

Permanent Linkby nikkee on Sat Dec 08, 2012 12:04 pm

where to start? i haven't blogged before but maybe if i can get $#%^ out of my head there'll be more room for good stuff.

two days ago my 10 year old son cut himself. for the third time. ive taken steps to have him assessed and we have an appointment on Tuesday. i hope they can help my baby. ive been self harming since i was 14, im 32 now. i know my son has never seen me cut, but he has seen the scares. ive never told him how i got them for fear of him not being able to understand leading him to be more confused or go the other way and do it because i do it. ive had different opinions on weather he should be told, some psychs say tell him because he probably knows more than i think, others say no way hes to young to be able to grasp it.... but now it seems that he turning into me, only even younger than i was when i started. i feel like i have failed big-time in the parenting department.. all my hospitalizations (26 in a three year period) for various lengths of time. he spent a year off and on living with his grandparents because i just wasn't stable enuff to parent him. one time in particular i overdosed on panadol and went into liver failure. they didn't think id live so the family tried to explain to him what was happening. he used to love factual things about how the body works etc but now he wont have a bar of it. i know he was scared by the beeping machines, hes told me so. and he said he was very sad but short of that i don't know what his thoughts are. i asked him why he cut himself this last time and he said it was because he wanted to taste his blood and the first cut didn't bleed so he did it again and again. he said it didn't hurt. he also said it was because of me and a friend because we watch the vampire diaries. i don't let him watch things like that but they learn so much off the tv and from school and friends, its hard to keep them sheltered. in a way i hope it is him being curious of what his blood tastes like because that seems like it can fixed more easily than if hes using it to deal with emotions like i do. i don't know, im out of my league, guess that's why we have the appointment on Tuesday.

my sons father has our boy on saturdays from 9-5pm. apart from that we dont see him. hes never been interested in anything our son does, from school to friends to birthdays and christmas. he just hasnt been that interested, he doesnt what he feels is his duty and that is that. today however was different. his dad turned up 2 hours late to pick him up, both my son and i were starting wonder if he was going to be a no show. i rang and left messages and txt him etc and eventually he gave me what i consider to be a lame excuse. i got on my high horse and we argued (not infront of my son tho) he said the most hurtful thing, it wouldnt of hurt so much if i thought he had just said it out of anger, but i really think he ment it. he said that our boy is my life and not his and that i made that choice long ago. he made it sound like he puts up with him , my thinking is that on that one day a week, our boy SHOULD be his life. the day should be fun for our son otherwise whats the point in them spending time together? anyway, his dad moved into a new place recently he lives on the third floor of a hell hole. today our boy saw it for the first time and for the first time asked to stay the night. so thats where he is right now. and im so mad becuase he took our son to a bar! to play pool, wen i was talking to my boy on the phone he told me his dad had a couple of beers. i was livid, i still am because i dont think bars are places for children. his father knows how i feel about that as hes done it once before and he said he woulnt do it again. so once again my son has his dad on a pedistool thinks hes the bees knees. cant do no wrong while im the mean one who does the disiplining and ugh you know... i just wish i could run away right now..

im a christian that is, i believe in Jesus. but life hasn't been easy lately and god...

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