please do not give up brother ! 80K is not a big deal you have the rest of your youthful life to get out of it ! dont please give up! come back to this forum each day when you feel the urge ! you know that you cannot gamble again! make a deal to yourself I will not gamble again ever until I pay the full debt of 80K yes it will take the next 20 years of my life its ok...one day at a time I will get there slowly ! accept the fact that you are in debt print it out and put it somewhere where you can see it each and everyday! you wont win so don't bother going back ! if you do 80k will turn to 90K .
you cannot afford that now! don't beat yourself ! cry all you want and then pick up yourself and forge forward life is very beautiful! please come back here !

sunday
today was a hard day i tried to distract myself. loneliness again...kids are too busy managing their own lives ...my husband not interested in going anywhere ! i finally mustered up the courage grabbed my gym bag and headed for the door. worked out for close to 2 hours by the time i got back home the urge the craving was gone. i did go in and peek in my spam and saw there were some very tempting emails from you know where ...bastards wont leave me alone! one of them said free spins to tempt you back ! really ! well here is what i thought : i have the power not you sucker! i am going to have to figure out a way so that spam is automatically deleted! i know these weeks wlll be particularly harder as i feel like i have lost an option to great fun and excitement. sometimes i regret escalating and ask myself why could i not respect the limits i had set up for myself
anyways tomorrow will be another day ! thankfully i have a busy schedule ...home from work and then attend program! i also intend at some point to look up Ga meetings and attend the one i found the last time was so boring and didnt motivate me at all!

today 6th jan
its a hard day being a sunday afternoon was always a leisurely lunch and a little game play time.
thoughts cross my mind and coming here is a good way to distract myself. i found a very interesting video on line yesteryday a guy who recanted his descent into a very successful lawyer to finally having to declare himself bankrupt. what struck me most was his sharing of his suicidal thoughts when he was in debt 2 million $ it made me think how the devil has a grip on you ! it's a scary thought to entertain but much needed! i felt great respect for this man and that came out and shared his story. he is not a counsellor and also a motivational speaker and i am sure he is making a difference.

jan 5th
today i received a payment due to me of 500$. i headed straight to the bank and kept a 100$ for what i will refer to as my holiday fund ! along the way i had to pass a casino and was so tempted to go in there and then i relived days when i'd walk out empty handed and i let the shame and sick feeling i felt wash away. it was important to relive that moment in order to steer clear of that temptation.
I came back and steadily worked on some work projects and there were times whilst I was busy working i felt overpowered by sadness and guilt. i felt sadness and guilt mostly for how i had let a light fun option escalate into an escape that involved deceit, secrecy and deception. i felt sadness because along the way I had robbed my kids mostly of little treasures, cash that i would happily give them from time to time. these past 2 years I never had any to give away as i was always spending it selfishly on my gaming. i am so glad I havve self excluded as i do not receive any more mails from online gaming corp. I do have respect for them because i only had to ask once ! it made me realise they do take their promises seriously! it is for us individuals to ask and we shall receive!
when i look back at the evenings when i'd feel sick because i lost $$$ and then have to face my loved ones who didnt have a clue. i am filled with sadness. it was a mask i wore. i am thankful for today. i am thankful i have this forum and the support of members here !