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- December 2016
A bad relationship became a tool for healing.
   Wed Dec 21, 2016 4:15 am
Dear Mom
   Sat Dec 17, 2016 4:11 am

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A bad relationship became a tool for healing.

Permanent Linkby myce on Wed Dec 21, 2016 4:15 am

I was seized by a state of madness called love. I was obsessed. Had to be with him. In the end he drove me crazy, then left me because I was crazy. That is how I found out the fractured nature of myself. I always sensed that I wasn't alone, but I didn't [i]know.[/i] This relationship caused the alters to emerge and identify themselves. Shield is angry and attacking. Little is clinging and crying. I'm like wtf? I'm so in love... that was dumb.

A year after he left I was still obsessed, loving and hating at the same time. So I asked myself why? I asked Shield why she still wants to talk to this man, since he is not the cause of our pain. Shield always comes out in the morning. I hate the morning. So when she was out one morning, she heard the question I had asked the night before. Shield could feel Little's crying, and she was pissed. This time she was not mad at my ex but at Mom. It cured my obsession with him.

After an argument with my friend, I was feeling crummy and angry. But I was not mad at my friend anymore. I felt the presence of Shield and asked, "Shield is that you?" She said yes and explained that she was connected to Little and had always been connected to Little. Little is in terrible pain, and that is why Shield is so angry like a wounded animal. Prior to this revelation, Shield had no memories beyond the triggers that brought her out front. She is now Shield/Sentinel.

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Dear Mom

Permanent Linkby myce on Sat Dec 17, 2016 4:11 am

There was a time, maybe 15 years ago, I told you I was having some mental issues like anxiety, panic; I felt like I couldn't control my brain. I was scared to go outside and I couldn't find a job. You told me that if I was really in trouble then I would have a job already. I guess your advice helped for the time being. I pulled it together and got a job. You told me that Dave has anxiety but he hides it. I thought to tell you, "if you can hide it then it isn't that bad," but people get tired of trying to explain. I held my tongue.

At the time my emotions were out of control. I was having rage, panic attacks and depression swinging this way and that. I had other weird, kaleidoscopic... stuff. I felt like my own home was unfamiliar and I was in a daze. There were some hallucinations, little stuff, like I would hear the phone ringing when it wasn't ringing. I would observe the hallucinations to try to learn the difference between what was real and what wasn't. I saw images of blood and death in my mind's eye, and I don't know why. I watched myself doing and saying things when I was not in control. I was really scared, Mom. But it got better eventually, a little bit better. When N. was born it gave me something to live for and I almost felt cured.

The residue remains. I remember things, feelings mostly. Fragments. I remember things that cracked my soul in half, a loneliness so deep it hurts my body. I am helpless and despair. It doesn't occur to me that I can get up and seek what I need, because I can't. I can only wail and cry. I am punished for crying. That first crack, it can crack again, and again. I think you won't believe me if I tell you the truth of my condition.

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