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margharris
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Awakening through BDD
   Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:20 pm

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Body dysmorphia:Managing snakes and ladders of life.

Permanent Linkby margharris on Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:32 pm

The meds worked but life still Oh so trying. He can't live well.

We attended the MRI on Friday. His brain is free from any obvious nasties. A good thing to know. He was most likely given oxytocin and then filmed in the machine. Some other facial recognition tests were also given. Further cognitive tests are due. Then another scan. One of the scans was oxytocin and one was not.
The scans will now be examined for possible sites for TMS.

This was not pain free in the end.
He felt like he was high like he had had a few drinks. I spoke to him about me leaving the next morning to be with his sister. He would be being left in charge of his father and I would be back on Monday. He had a doc appointment on the Monday but he seemed fine to go alone…..
What could go wrong with that?
All of it…apparently. He never recalled the conversation at all. Hedonism might have played its part. He decided on the girl instead. Spent his time worrying what she wanted from him. Meanwhile she is planning his entire life totally unaware of his illness and his level of impairment. Over the weekend he became grossly overanxious. He went on a number of dates even with his own friend along. That friend used the word assertive to describe this new love interest. Of all the adjectives available, assertive doesn’t conjure up anything hopeful with me. It is s step away from critical and that only a step removed from contempt.
I suppose after months of isolation the feel of someone interested in you, even when you are lying all the time still feelings good. But it is a sham.
Real life was about how he coped with his own home and purpose there.
I don’t know really when the drinking started. So six month sobriety got a serious hiding. He could have landed a criminal charge if caught. He gave in to the urge to cut as well. The scissors were on the bench. He didn’t even seem aware. The docs appointment was missed. We have no support now for over a month. I was gone only two and a half days.
It feels like an emotional bashing. I have coined the phrase domestic terrorist. Maybe this is just out of control teenager. I had hope on Friday but now I don’t know what to feel. I am just hurt by having to face it all alone again. Feeling betrayed with nowhere to turn.
He really should have an interlock placed on his car. If he hurt someone I would be left feeling like I enabled it to happen.
So I suppose this happened because underneath this illness is someone without purpose and that higher moral code. He has broken it so many times in the past it no longer has much meaning for him. Just another time with no consequences for him to feel. No responsibility or accountability for his actions. He can bomb out and get away with it. But I know I am enabling it to happen. I am doing all the work to make the family survive this.
Can we blame it on the illness? Can we blame it on the oxytocin that might have tampered with his hormones on Friday? He doesn’t even recall our conversations. He only remembers agreeing to stuff without really listening.
When did that become OK? It is hard to not feel so cheated by his lack of care. It is 9.30am and he is not up yet. He doesn’t have to be as he hasn’t anything or anyone to be responsible for. I really can’t understand why he doesn’t care or feel some conscientiousness towards his own recovery. He just doesn’t seem to have any focus on it.
He probably thinks it is still his hair that is the problem. And after doing all this, it will be his hair that he doesn’t like….He can’t focus on recovery when his focus doesn’t understand his own problem. And that is the problem for all of you. The worry impairs your perception and judgement.
So we fell back down the snakes back and are 4 squares from the start. Desperate for some ladders but there is no easy escape from BDD. The meds were a great ladder but not the whole answer. He has to manage the stress of life with a higher moral code. That requires truth. You can’t build a life without it. Marg

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