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margharris
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Body dysmorphia: The bed trap not safe or painless

Permanent Linkby margharris on Mon Apr 13, 2015 4:42 am

My son’s date didn’t go well. Three long blacks suggests his own wise advocate didn’t do much advocating wisdom. He was anxious and it showed. She spent a long time staring out the window of the car while he drove and filled in all the silence with steady chatter. It was draining. They didn’t have anything in common. He saw a café called Voltaire and then thought…why bother. The interest wasn’t there. He is so needy for someone to be close and connected that he is still trying to make a match light when it is never going to. Another date is planned but maybe he will realise he is too unwell to keep the cover up and she is not the one.
Hopefully he might practice a bit of mindfulness today. He is too far gone to practice when he is in the grip of a panic. All he is now doing is calling out. Why does he do it? He is scared of everything. He is scared of his BDD. He is scared of what people would think of him in hospital. He is scared of the ridicule. He is in the bed trap. In bed there is little capacity for change. It is just safe and painful. But it his choice again.
I might hope he will do better today but what is the expectation when he doesn’t get up. He is going to be living in his mind all day. The thoughts will come in like a bombing raid. His physical willingness to leave the room will be absent. There is just no desire. Only dread for both of us. Another day battling BDD. I can only medicate the worst of it. But he will continue to do it. He is still agreeing with his Dute to Fin, causes loss story. It sends him into panic every time it shoots into his brain. It is just another OCD thought that needs to be acknowledged and dismissed. Like all OCD thoughts it never says anything helpful for you to do. It never solves anything.
If you ever do realise the thoughts are just OCDs then you might beat this without too much hassle. You never needed to check the lights, locks, taps, stand on cracks, arrange the pantry, keep all the receipts, clean all day. Now you have a BDD thought, it seems more personal. But it still tells you rubbish. It is not telling you what you need to do. It is just telling you that you are sick. All the stories you create to explain your concern are just an attempt by your mind to find logic in a disorder.
I am so exhausted. I can barely write. He says he doesn’t want to live with it anymore. But it is only what he says. He could be in hospital now being treated but he chose this today instead. Marg

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