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margharris
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Body dysmorphia: He is a mess.

Permanent Linkby margharris on Tue Apr 14, 2015 11:10 pm

The touching compulsion was off the scale. He wants the issue fixed so his mind sees that as a transplant. He will not wash his hair now. I can't remember when he last did it. He has taken to wearing a hat to go to the mail box. Even if that hat is an old Akubra sitting on his father's shelf. Two sizes too big and all wonky looking. But how ridiculous it looks is not in his mind. It is the cover up that is all important. He has taken on the toppik again so i suppose there is a hidden mirror somewhere.
Without insight he will not get over this. We can shoot his brain with magnets but if he choses all these compulsions then i don't see him having a chance.

I suppose a lot of this can be put down to the date but no excuses are going to cut it with me forever.

I couldn't stay in the house. He was crying and yelling about how bad it was. He was telling me how he looks each day for suicide stories. But he had the option to go and get help for 6 weeks and turned it down. Are we going to put that down to fear of stigma? When a stranger's opinion matters more than getting well, you have some seriously screwed up priorities. His emotions were unravelling and he couldn't control himself. He takes advantage of me.

I don't even know if i really want to go back to the house. He has got to do this for himself. Maybe my involvement is just distracting him from his own path. That might be a series of failed transplants and life time misery.

It is not about getting a date or getting work. He can do that. This is purely what he tells himself and he can't be convinced he is wrong. He has got this flaw that is hideous, people might notice. He has to hide away and give up living well. He no longer lives with us. The den of doom, the bed trap, is at the end of the passage.

We will be expecting a lot from TMS if this is going to turn around. This is very severe. Not something that can be cured with a transplant or toppik or more hair meds. The stories and the compulsions have consumed him. It is what he thinks, feels and does almost all day. That is his BDD. It is not his appearance that matters but the level of obsession. He thinks if he fixes the issue of the obsession then it will be over. But we know that is not how BDD works. He will merely move to obsessing and checking how the transplant is doing. It will not be good enough. The fear of a negative outcome will trigger even more obsessing.

Im feeling overwhelmed by the effort to just keep going and keep hoping he gets it one day.
I wish I felt more positive but it is a roller coaster. Maybe this is the trough. I hope so. Marg

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