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Author:  margharris [ Wed Mar 18, 2015 11:25 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Body dysmorphia: Ghastly days

We have had a couple of ghastly days. The weekend always invites wife issues to surface. Then the aftermath follows a couple of days later. The disorder itself seems to be a mask for much deeper issues of inadequacy and helplessness. A flow on of any criticism, further ignites these bedrock issues and exacerbation of BDD follows to distract the mind.
It is hard to appreciate the level of hold this illness has on my son's mind. He has been in a constant state of touching hair somewhere but still does not identify that as a problem. He continues to value his thoughts over his actions. His actions are almost trance like. His thoughts carry this yearning to know the answer so the problem can be solved. I have probably answered him thousands of times but he has no memory. The logic never adds up for him. Not all problems are his to solve but his mind can't let go of the idea that it just must solve.
His doc made a good point that his marriage might have not met anyone's needs for a long time. So he was in fact liberated. He felt better clinging to that for a little while.
I also made the point about what he needs and what he wants. He wants to have a good relationship with a caring wife. But at the moment his need for nurturing through this has him clingy and terrified of being alone. So he often sacrifices what he truly wants in his life for that short term need. A need his wife isn't fulfilling anyway. But in an ideal world he believes she could.

He certainly is living in the misery he knows. I have left for the night as he was just screaming to have his thoughts answered rather than stop asking. He needs to know how to stop this cycle without the need to bomb himself with meds. I hope we make it through this. Hope we do have. Marg

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