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Body ddysmorphia: Grabbing the good minutes to find hope.

Permanent Linkby margharris on Tue Mar 24, 2015 10:54 pm

The good minutes here and there are all I have to cling to for hope. This illness is ferocious and my son has a very severe case. He cried for hours yesterday. it was his wife, then his hair, then the thoughts. He was crying over the grief of it all and the cost it had taken.
Did he lose his marriage over it? The marriage most likely never met either person's needs for quite a long time. My son just didn't know until a big problem arrived and she wasn't there beside him. She was busy in her own life. She is the criticizer type, so finishes the convo with, 'but I do love you'. He being super sensitive to criticism and a self criticizer as well could never find happiness and his own sense of adequacy with that type of person. She must have done a good cover up act at the start. O he was such a pleaser at heart that he didn't see what she was. He only felt what he was doing felt good.

So what is keeping all this BDD going? I can see the pattern:
1. His negative objectifying assessment. He is a bit of a body. Even though all bodies let us down and are not satisfactory in some way. He wants that bit of him to be just so. The rest of him and all he does., What kind of person?., The quality of his heart? All these are not valued.
So he is ugly, embarrassed, helpless and angry.
2. His negative predictions. Everyone will see his hair and be stunned. I can lift my head from my computer and he screams.."Why are you looking at my hair?"
I generally look at people's faces to see who it is. Apparently he is used to looking at scalps to compare. He only sees the great one's so that makes him feel shame.
3. The tricks and avoidance. Just use a hat. Just use toppik. No one will know why you don't go swimming on a 40 degree day. Bake on the sand to avoid a wet hair look.
4. Ask those questions why yet again. The made up stories allow for venting the concerns. They become a big part of the problem. The constant retell and defence legitimizes the illness.
He is stuck on the going from Dute to Fin you get loss. I say you get sterility with both, different type of loss. It doesn't help. Not expecting it to. Just whole heartedly sick of hearing it.Reassurance of any kind doesn't work. No debating with a story.
5. The compulsion for surgery will be the fix. A fue transplant, tattooing your head, artificial hair grafts. More online browsing. I just haven't found the answer yet.

So all of the above explains why the illness continues. It is in the pattern of thinking and behaving. If you have a mild illness, CBT that tries to tease away thinking and behaving to show how destructive it is might work for you. You can have the thought but don't react to it by avoidingor reassurance or just getting angry.

I had been leaving the house over night in order to get some rest and so he would stop the questions. I tried to stay last night. He had cried so much he seemed tired. He was calm so we were able to watch some TV for a couple of hours. This hasnt happened for over a week. He is medicated with sleepers but they don't work fully. So I stayed or tried to stay. He was up at 4am wanting more meds to sleep. He started up about how correct his stories were and everyone knows they are true. You lose everything. Back to bed for a minute. Then the door flies open again. I hear a bang as it swings violently and hits the wall. Another scream and water drinking to calm anxiety. I hear the tap. Time for me to go. Turn of the water mains off as I go. Half hour drive to my safety bed.

He starts on a new med Prozac tomorrow. The switch over might be tough in the next few days. Doc appointment again on Friday. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
A forum the tells people they haven't got an illness just hasn't experienced BDD. I hope we get through. God willing we will. Marg

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