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Oops I did it again
   Mon Mar 02, 2020 8:30 am

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Oops I did it again

Permanent Linkby lookforward on Mon Mar 02, 2020 8:30 am

I was doing great... and now almost back to square one. With gambling hoovering my head every second.
This really sucks... It's like a dripping tap water, that I just can't get it fixed. and its always leaking... and leaking... and some times it just flows freely..

I could be very well in life (and I am in a way), but i manage to ruin everything all the time...

geez...

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Today, I am happy

Permanent Linkby lookforward on Fri Jan 17, 2020 8:34 am

Hey all

Today I am quite happy. Today I feel (and actually am) in control!

As I opened my bank account today, my salary was already there. First thing I did, was to go to my plan I had drawn these ast weeks, and proceed as I planned. And it felt great!
I paid 100% of my credit card. It feels good... but I also have now a bigger responsability. I want to keep them 100%free of use. When I say this is obviously 100% free of Gamble use. I need it for some payments particurlarly when I travel (and this is the only reason why I am not blocking one out of the two I own immediatelly. I have a work related travel abroad, coming next week,and I will be needing it.
But when I return... I will limit my access to one of the two bank accounts. That will be my savings bank, where I can not withdraw money. That is where I will be preparing my saving to buy my house (which I would really to start thinking on doing it by December 2020).

So yes, today I am happy. I am almost 100%debt free (i have one instalment plan that I will pay next month), and I have still money to do my things until my next pay.

For those who are still sruggling... read as many threads here as possible. You will see many relapses, but many conquers. I have relapsed, I have failed, but I also have succeeded.
You will too.

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To spend or not to spend? The question that pops in our mind

Permanent Linkby lookforward on Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:55 am

Hi all,

I was recently replying to a post about the number of days GF and I said something that I will be repeating but in a slightly different way.

For me, the real counting starts when we have available options, there is why the title "To spend or not to spend".
An the reason I say this, It is because for different times and periods before, I was GF, but the I only felt like it was counting, when I had the real and easy option of gamling, and not doing it. For me that is when I get my pay, and am able to pay my debts.

Fortunately for me, my access to credit is not much higher than my pay, so If I derailled, in about 2 months I would be back on my feet. That has been my life for the past 11 years. I had really happy times, but regarding gambling... I think I can count with one hand the number of times I was actually GF for more than 90 days. And 90 is for me the big mark I need to surpass.

90 days, usually meant: day 1 - Totally broke
day 30 - get my pay and use from 50 to 75% of it to pay my credit cards
day 60 - get my second pay - and use it to complete to pay my credit card
and have some cash available.
day 90 - get my third pay - and be at this point inn a position where I could
literally save at least 75% of it, and without cutting anything that I
would like to buy from grocery or going to dinner with friends or
going out.

This time, I am more committed to go for a longer run. A permanent run. I have made a chart with monthly targets. I have written a bucket list of things to do (some are quite significant, like big travels or go to major events). Things that will make me happier.

Well go to go...

Rgds
LF

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Some days seem to last ages....

Permanent Linkby lookforward on Fri Jan 10, 2020 7:56 am

Lately some days seem to last forever... Today, yesterday...the day before... wow, they are really really long!
I'm writing you from my work, fortunately I have o good job where i have some flexibility, so I'm not slacking or anyhting like it, but I do think that these recents days have 48 hours or something like it.

I believe I know the reason for it. I am getting a bit ansious for my next pay. During next week I will receive my salary, which I will use to cover all my credit cards and then. And I know I will be happy and sad at the same time. Happy, because it is a relief to know that I don't owe anything to anyone. But at the same time I go to memory lane and eventually I think of what life could have been.

I usually divide people in this forum in three groups: the strong elite members, that are GF for a significant period and help new (and not so new) members, the group of members that are in a very difficult position (depression, ansiety, significant debt problems) that are still figuring "how the hell they will get out of this mess", and finally the ones that sit in the middle... that have touched both ends, have an erratic presence here, relapsed several times but managed to continue to live a little bit better as the years go by. I believe I am in this last one... but hopefully I will be in first, and really don't want to go to deeper places.

I have in a few times in the past years, managed to be GF for over 3 months, always to relapse and start all over again. But this year, 2020 (which for some weird reason I really like this number) I really want to go the extra mile. I don't wnat just to be sitting on 3 months. I want it all! I want to get towards the end of the year, and look back and see what I have accomplished!

I have set a plan for payments and savings for this year. And the two first steps are always the most difficult for me: 1st - pay the debts (a few thousands in credit cards) - fortunately I can do this with just one salary, and 2nd (a lot harder) is to actually save my salary (now that hypothetically I have settled my debt).
Like I said, I have done this before, but in the past and for so many times, I have relapsed in my 2nd or third month, mainly due to not blocking the triggers that make me gamble. Most of the triggers were passion related, problems with my ex gf (a lot of anxiety came form here because I only told her my problem after we broke up) and for so long I just looked at me as a fool, that was wasting my life and money, which I should be savng to have a life. My ex Gf definitely thought I was doing quite well in life... but I didn't. And it killed me slowly throughout the 5 years we were together. Than it help triggering the relapses I had in the past two years since we broke up, whenever I thought what life with here could have been...

But this year I am, free, like I haven't been In so many years. I think my heart Is kind of switched of and I have absolutely no desire in getting into a new relationship (this doesn't mean I don't have my adventures) but I just don't want anything serious. I am putting myself in front of everything and eveyone. I set my goals for this year. I will enjoy life and living. I am setting monthly goals and achievments I want to get to. Travels and goods I want to buy are also in the list.

Writing this is helping me, sharing is another way I have to stay committed.

And boy... do I want to achieve my goals.

See you next time.

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Back again...

Permanent Linkby lookforward on Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:06 am

Hello you all,

It as been quite sometime now, since I last wrote anything here. I am an Gmabing addict for over 10 years now. Today I am again fighting with this addiction. It is my 10th GF day.

Over the past two years I have been in a roller coster... up and down's. Huge success in my professional life... big disappointmenst in my private life.

I was out of this forum for around two years. There was at least two times that I want to come a check, but I lost the password, than I didn't know which email I used... a total mess. Today I was cleaning one of my email boxes, and I found my registration... so here I am again.

Going back to the roller coster that was my life during these two past years.
Early in 2018, my GF broke up with me. We were living together for close to 5 years. Things weren't perfect but that was a real blow in the stomach. For some time we managed to keep us completely apart... and after 6 months we "kind of2 got back together again... life was going well. And then i just ended again. She met someone... and this was even a bigger blow to the stomach..

Having one of my biggest goals in life (steady rellationship with someone i loved) blown apart..I got into gamblng again... Unfortunately it is the only single thiing that really makes my mind drift away.
So in the past 18 months I have been gambling a lot... crazy thing... There were times were I was doing really well, saving money, not thinking in my problems, helping my brothers and sisters, success in my job...life was peachy... but some other days...wooooowwww it all would colapse.

Online gambling (mostly Black Jack, but also slots, and in very stupid levels betting) was always the worst to me. But in real casinos... I did alright. Chips are not the same as currency... but sure is a lot better than just having a all at disposal by right clicking on your mouse, specially because online casino (at least the ones I played) didn't have any limits in stakes.
So whenever I was on holidays in my home country I would go a spend a lot of time in casinos and many times I would have a good time. Some others I didn't have a good time, but I started believing that I could beat the odds in live casinos.

Sadly, and because I was a bit lost in my life (only the professional part kept me in a good spot) a casino opened 10 minutes away from where I live...
I don't need to say much more... I had really good days... and many really lousy days. I hit rock bottom one day I borrowed on the tables more than I had in my savings. And lost it. This was the worst feeling I had in years. In the next few days I couldn't sleep, trying to figure how I would pay back. In the same week I was scouting banks to see if I could and how much it would be to make a loan. My salary was soon to be paid, and It would just cover it, but I would struggle the rest of the month. I thought of paying only half of what I borrowed, but my honour said...NO! Pay it all!
As soon as I received my salary, I tried to transfer the money, but decause of some problems with the online verification I wasn't able...and I ended up in the casino...We will gamble 25% and try to win back something just to have money for the rest of the month.
That was one of my best nights. Sadly not many like these occured. I won all the money I was owing and all that I had lost before borrowing in that session. I paid back soon after, and promised to myself...never again! Never again will I borrow money to gamble.

In the follwoing days I managed to waste the rest of the winnings... than few weeks went buy... I got a new salary...and soon fater I wasted it. Between Christmas and New Years, I decided to STOP!

I have lost the count of how many times I have commited to stop gambling. Hope this is the one.
Today is my 10th Day GF. I installed and app to help me counting the days (it was more for drugs and alcohol, but it works just fine for this). I have set new achievable goals for 2020. I really think this will be a great year....

[ Continued ]

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