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- November 2019
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Is this emotional abuse from my mom? What should i do?

Permanent Linkby lemoncheese721 on Sun Nov 03, 2019 10:23 pm

For context, I am a 22F, and am in grad school but live with my parents (and mom) at home. I just want to know if anyone else has had similar experiences with parents (especially mothers).

1. My mom dealt with her anger at me with destructive behaviors. When my mom was mad at me when I was younger (ages 10-14), she would go into my room and break or knock over the things she knew were most valuable to me. There were multiple times when I would come home from school and see that all of my dance trophies (I was a competitive dancer all my life) were knocked off their shelf onto the floor (sometimes broken).

2. My mom is consistently manipulative. Whenever she needs to win an argument, she pulls the "how can you be so ungrateful after everything I've done for you. I gave up so much of my life for you" card. She did do a lot for me but she consistently uses this as a crutch to guilt me into doing what she wants. She also constantly says "If you loved me, you would do this or do that"

3. My mom is extremely passive aggressive. She never tells me exactly what's wrong but instead, she always makes little jabs at me to make me feel bad. For example, I will come after a night out with my boyfriend to a note on my desk that says "go live with your boyfriend if you like spending so much time with him" and all I did was spend a Saturday night at his place. She will say things like "You clearly don't care about me if you're spending your time with other people so get out of this house and go live with them" and that anytime I leave the house to have fun with friends that I am "abandoning the family".

4. My mom consistently invalidates my emotions. My feelings are invalid in comparison to hers. If I am crying in my room, my mom will come in to tell me to "stop crying, you have nothing to cry about. Look at how many problems I have" and leave.

5. My mom has always tried to and still does try to make decisions for me by convincing me that she is right and I'm wrong. Most of the time, she says that it is for my own good or that she knows what's best for me. She implies that I can't be trusted to exercise good judgement and that I would fail without her help.

6. I have a 14 year old brother and my mom disregards his age and treats my brother like a peer. We have many illnesses in the family which cause a lot of stress and she talks to him as if he is an adult friend about things like DNRs, cancer, life and death, and lays all of her emotional needs on him. He is 14 and is expected to console her and act like an adult. I feel extremely bad for him. She then takes pride in saying "he is so mature so I can tell him all this" when in reality, I can see that he is often troubled by all of these conversations and she doesn't see it.

7. My mom thinks I have no standards and that I'm incapable of making smart choices. She has told me "you are always the one being picked by guys, and never the other way around" implying that I settle for everyone that has ever looked at me.

8. My mom is extremely judgmental and thinks she knows everything there is to know about someone without ever meeting them. My mom has never liked any of my boyfriends simply because they are older, or of a different race or culture and constantly belittles me for choosing "wrong".

9. My mom rarely ever asks me about my life (classes, friends, dance etc). There has always been some kind of bigger issue in her own life that took priority. She almost never tells me she loves me or she is proud of me.

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