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- October 2011
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   Sat Oct 01, 2011 6:06 pm

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A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby katana on Wed Jul 20, 2011 2:05 am

Some of my problems made it hard for me to know who i really am. so i'm trying to write some of that here. All of me is me.

i like being creative... i like doing art & writing/playing music... mostly to express my own feelings. i have a wild imagination and find fantasy & escapism fun cause i want to feel free. but am also quite down to earth about stuff. i have always been able to bring feelings out through my music even when i couldn't make sense of them myself. i like reading poetry people write on this site but i dont write much cause its not something i find that easy! i like being creative in all sorts of ways.

on one hand i'm outgoing and have a big "don't give a ###$ and i will try anything once attitude" with the world, *as a person* i don't care what most people think of me, but with letting people get to know me and get close i'm actually very shy. lol i do feel "paranoid" about people in general, but not in a psychotic sense, i just feel hostile like if a dog bites you you don't like dogs. i just dont feel at ease with people, in that sense inside im just still like a little kid who has been treated badly. i'm not afraid to admit i am afraid to those who im close to, but i find it hard to *be* afraid/vulnerable cause of some of my problems. it makes me into a very bitey dog myself at times lol.

when healthy i do stuff like yoga/meditation and martial arts - it also helps with my mental health and my fitness. i can relate to an idea of "spirituality", but to me that is more about inner peace, not magic. i like animals but i will also eat anything. when i say i can relate to animals more than people, animals can just be, they just exist. they dont have silly social norms. i have often felt that way too. also, i got empathy for animals before i got it for people lol.

there are things empathy has taught me, and apart from if i acted how i felt all the time i would be locked up by now, i have learned lots of (healthy & unhealthy ways) of controlling myself. so i often try to be calm and do the right thing (THIS is more what that spirituality thing is about to me - inner calm,) but inside i am very firey. i can let that out and let my hair down at times. this makes people think i am crazy and going manic when things get too much for me, cause i tend to kick out like hell when that happens, especially with the negative coping mechanisms i used to have (which are negative and i have to keep an eye on.), but it really isn't like mania. it is pain, not that sort of "craziness".

in some ways i am sensitive. things can set me off and i get very upset. i didn't use to have a conscience cause my parents ###$ me up, and i struggle with the devils sitting on my shoulder lol but i am not cold and empty. i am still a bit ###$ up, but i am not going to pathologise every single thing about me.

when im healthy i like being active, like going to the gym, doing my sport, doing challenging/dangerous stuff, call it thrill-seeking behaviour if you like but its hurting no one. as well as being adventurous i can be homely too, i'm also happy curled up on a rug in front of the fire as long as i'm not chained to it. i like talking about feeling and meaning too, i like thinking and coming up with ideas, as well as doing stuff. i like to think for myself, not just blindly believe what im told.

i know the world has no meaning, but i am at peace with that too. i know it can have meaning for me.

i'm passionate underneath it all. i want to love and be loved, but all my life i have not known how, so instead i idealised "love" that i didn't even know how to feel. i have a softer side, its just harder to get at. i can care, but i also have a lot of pain and anger inside. no one is all one thing or another.

in so many ways i am still learning who i am, but i don't feel like i need to know in the same way any more. i am happy just to find out as i go. i don't want to be stuck in mental hell any longer than i have to. i don't really know yet what i want for the future, i am still living day by day, but when not sorting through trauma i am at least living in the present.

as you can imagine, DID took me by surprise :shock: :lol: but its not really surprising considering everything. but i'm a trauma survivor not a schizophrenic :shock: (just meaning hey, people are getting this very back to front.) it shows mental illness can happen to anyone. i'm just open-minded enough that i could see what was working and work with it. i don't automatically believe things, but i do keep an open mind.

i dont hate my parents, but i find it hard to forgive. i find it hard to let go and just live. i have a lot of pain inside. i know i still have some problems. things will come with time.

but i dont want to sit inside and live my life behind a computer, i dont want to hide indoors, i never have done, but i have had 101 ways of running, you know if you have that much pain inside sometimes you can't just keep going, you can't kill the pain by acting it out, dulling it with work, alcohol, food etc or playing it out in relationships. i want a relationship to be something where hapiness and pain are shared, not thrown at each other. where love can become something amazing cause of that,steadier does not have to mean less passionate or less real, there are positive ways for that. finding a way to them is just harder. i don't blame, or judge. but it does upset me, most of all cause

"...the only person who is free...."

i only ever resorted to isolating myself when i was surrounded with codependants/people who were being abusive somehow in ways i couldn't cope with but couldn't really escape. eventually everything comes crashing down on you. narcissistic crisis does not help. (yes, i did just admit that, just my poison was making sure i was never "one-down" not my self image, what happened in my life then was the worst for that. i'm glad it came crashing down on me now not once i had lived my entire life in pain at ninety.) just like someone else said, its a ######6 disorder, get over yourself! lol - i'm trying to do that. :lol:

i don't want to live my life alone or in isolation, i never have. in the past i've spent quite a lot of time with other people until everything came crashing down on me. i'm just finding it hard to pick myself up and make sense of it all after everything that's been thrown at me. for the first time in my life im beginning to slowly feel free but it hurts just to try to live again. everything about accepting my past hurts. - and i know i still have problems, i don't think i'm 100% cured, there is plenty more to change and learn, just taking things bit by bit.

i know i am stubborn. its one thing that's helped me get through everything so far :wink:

i am not just one thing or another - no one is all one thing or another. some things are me. some things are just pain.

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RE: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems

Permanent Linkby unity1 on Mon Aug 01, 2011 6:44 am

It was lovely to read all you had wrote,you express yourself really well by the way. Tracey.xx
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Re: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby 1H8L0V3 on Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:36 am

Sounds like you're very well adjusted, all things considered.
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Re: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby Arbie Wun on Thu Sep 22, 2011 11:55 pm

I have read this and you do express yourself very well and to me you seem to be a considerate and thoughtful person who has done very well given all the things you have mentioned.
The bright light at the end of a dark tunnel could be an oncoming train, but it could also be the way out of the darkness...
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Re: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby Pangean on Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:37 pm

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

You are Brave and a Gift to your readers :) ( Pedestal not included )
Once I knew only darkness and stillness... my life was without past or future... but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living.
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Re: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby lilnumber9 on Sun Mar 11, 2012 6:38 am

I read this once, then I read it again. You have a lot of wisdom in you - don't ever let yourself think you're less than you actually are. If you've come far enough to write this, then this isn't nearly as far as you're capable of going. Don't give up! =)
"Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity."
~ T.S. Eliot
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Re: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby nuwanda on Mon Apr 23, 2012 6:27 pm

Reading such i can identify and be inspired in how you express yourself best wishes hugs
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Re: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby reflection on Wed Aug 01, 2012 1:39 pm

I enjoyed reading your blog. You explain yourself well. :)
"Humans Should Have A Manual Attached To Them" - ME

Dx: BPD with narcissistic traits, Bipolar II, GAD, MDD
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Re: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby NihilismOppurtunity on Fri Aug 31, 2012 2:55 am

This was most excellent. Very positive and raw. Love it.
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Re: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby MacBuddhaBurger on Sat Aug 31, 2013 3:50 pm

Take care...


The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened.
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Re: A few things about me, and about struggling with my problems.

Permanent Linkby Sous Le Masque on Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:25 am

Thank you so much for this katana.....wonderfully written! Frank, open and honest with such a hopeful message entwined in your words
Mirror in the bathroom
I just can't stop it,
Every Saturday you see me
window shopping.
Find no interest
in the racks and shelves
Just ten thousand reflections
of my own sweet self, self, self...
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