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- April 2012
My Normal Life
   Mon Apr 02, 2012 11:57 am

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My Normal Life

Permanent Linkby justonemoreperson on Mon Apr 02, 2012 11:57 am

The first thing I came to realise, when I was old enough to understand, was that I was not "sick" and that AsPD is not an illness. Having spent a considerable amount of time being bounced from one doctor to another, and from one theory to another, it became quite frustrating to find out that not only was it all unnecessary but also quite unpleasant.
"We might get some results with this" used to leave me feeling concerned, wondering whether it would lead to a dry mouth, itching, hearing sounds that weren't there, nausea, sleeplessness, tiredness, etc this time. I wasn't successfully diagnosed until much later.
Today it reminds me of a joke I once heard about a boy who said he could make his hamster deaf by pulling off its legs. He knew it was deaf as when he yelled at it, it didn't run away scared. The same "results" came from the countless medications and therapies that were applied. Simply not being able to behave a certain way did not mean that I didn't think that way.
Years later it dawned on me that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not sick, I'm different to most.
When people find out they usually go to google to "find out what I'm like" which is a bit like me going to google and searching for "normal person" and then asking you why you don't like fishing.
For those who do not understand the mind of a psychopath, here are a few things that might help.
Firstly, assume they're a completely different species of being, not just humans with a problem. That way you'll see that within that species there are many different personality types and many different levels of intelligence, likes and dislikes etc.
Secondly, Hannibal Lecteur was a made up character in a book played by, amongst others, Anthony Hopkins.
Thirdly, if you think that we don't behave well in society, I have to tell you that I read the news and you lot are pretty messed up too. Just because you may not have a label doesn't mean you're any better at dealing with the world than me. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I'm probably better at running this planet than you, as I'm not hindered by irrational emotions and nonsensical beliefs in fairies, santa claus and god.
I'm married (the second time around) and I have two kids. My first wife blames me for the way she is today, but interestingly this happened after she knew what my label was. Before this she was just screwed up, but it was much easier to give up responsibility for herself and blame me once I had, in her mind, a label. My second wife knows about my condition and is supportive (although she gets frustrated at times). I made sure she knew this as soon as possible to avoid the same nonsense happening twice.
I have three friends who know of my condition, and they ask many questions. The most common question is "How do we know you have genuine feelings for us?" and of course the answer is "You don't. I want you around as I enjoy your company and so it makes sense for me to want you to stay fit and healthy." It's not rocket science.
Could I kill someone? Yes, of course but again, take a look at the news and you'll see it's not an activity reserved for those with AsPD. The difference is that I wouldn't really care afterwards, whereas you'd probably feel like crap for some time.
I have no interest in telling the rest of my family and friends. My mother knew and it constantly bothered her, but she died recently and so that problem went away. Most of my family realise that something is different, but nothing specific.
My life is quite frustrating, and being in groups of people can be exhausting as I constantly have to think about my behaviour and actions. Mostly it's my choice of phrasing. A recent example: We met some friends for a drink one evening as planned, but were late. I turned up and said "Sorry we're late, my mother died this afternoon and it took ages to get stuff sorted at the hospital." Fortunately, my wife was with...

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