i had a really bad night last night

i had a s***t night last night went psycho and they wouldn't get a doctor to give me some PRN so i was screaming and banning my head on a wall and scratching at my arms all could have been avoid if they got the doctor that WAS sitting in the nures station to write something up. i felt so bad and they didn't care in the end they finally gave me PRN but after 1 hour at least. i think they were torching me. PRN is now FINALLY written in my drug chart.

half the problem was cursed by my case manager telling me something different to what the doctors said so my nurse said to just go by what the doctor said.

i think they think how far can we push her before she breaks into a thousand peacies

they gave me Largactil today to try for the anxiety 50mg at about 11am it did help with the anxiety but i dont know if i want to go on to it because of the side effects my doctor says it has - being extra sensitive to the sun on skin and eyes - i dont want to go on it - she said i will have to were sunscreen and sun glasses but i have a bad memory and im not going to remember to do that - my anxiety is going to keep ruling my life and i hate it sooooooo much - i have had it with it

im tired of the consent fight with anxiety i have at the moment - i want to cut i dont know how else to deal with it - the doctors here are no help and the nurses cant do anything - all i get from the doctors is you are dealing with it well - well i hate to tell you im not it just looks that way to you - they see you 1 a week more and you are lucky - i just want to give in and quit - i cant take this life anymore - im sick of pretending im ok when im not - to them i look in control and calm in my head is a different story - all the pain and anxiety is too much - stop, shut up already - i want it to end

i was abused so long ago by my father and step mother
so why do i want to get in touch with him now so much
i would have been under 4 at the time now im 22

he betrayed me in a way a father shouldn't
he scared me for life
he is the reason i am the way i am today

i hate him so much
so why now do i want contact?
i want to know if he thinks of me, if he cares
if he cares about the pain and suffering he cursed me

what would it have been like growing up with a father who cares?
would life be any better?

i dont know

i just want to tell him how i feel
how he makes me feel
dose he care about me

i find it a condense that im working hard to get the help i need and issues with my father come to the surface
i dont know if i should tell the hospital staff or my workers about this or not i mean i want to contact him but without others knowledge (few people who know at this point the better)

im lost for what to do

my uncle dosent know his address he knows the suburb i tried the phone book but came up with nothing

why is nothing easy in my life everything is so hard to do?

i missed a someone go nuts
we use texters to fill out our menus and one of the patient that just came in today went nuts a drew all over the wall in texter now the staff are trying to scrub it off LOL
he was put in seclusion

there is green texter every were


the other day another patient went nuts and set off the fire alam and called the cops (they never came) she tried to call them again but the staff stopped her
she was put in seclusion as well

it might be boring most the time but sometimes it can be very entreating in a psych ward