Note to self; there is nothing quite as weird and disconcerting in the morning than being dragged out of a nightmare by the phone ringing because the person from your nightmare is phoning you
Urghh.. I seem to find it really difficult to pull myself up properly into consciousness in the mornings..
I was having a really bad dream and I'd just said something to someone that devastated them.. I saw the look on her face and felt instantly awful.. I really wished that i had never said what i'd said and then tried to apologise to her.. to comfort her..
I just wanted to take it back.. but i couldn't because it was done
But; i needed to tell her because if i didn't, then there would have always been a wall between us.. a void that i can't fill and i can't cross without hurting her in the process..
But, is it worth hurting her in the hope that the consequences of speaking will also close the gap between us..? I don't see how it could be..
I don't even know if she's aware of the void between us.. maybe she is but maybe the distance is only visible to me..
Ultimately, if i told her then it would destroy her.. is she strong enough to glue herself back together afterwards..? I don't think she is..
And this is why i won't ever talk to her in real life.. because i know that the dream version of what happened is the reality.. except that unlike being able to wake up from it.. real words cannot be unspoken..
they echo through time.