I saw my shrink today and what we discussed were some of the recent issues I've been having with anger, aggression, violence, sadism, and how I was just recently triggered beyond the 'outside object' and wanted to turn it on my self, with a fork
Apparently I'm supposed to allow for anger because it leads me to violence.
I have to replace that with something (he told me to talk to Beth about what goes there instead) but anger isn't allowed because it takes me to a brutally warped, sadistic place.
He's given me seraquil to help with some of the psychotic stuff, and help take the edge off for me. I hate meds, but i'll take it if it will help. Things have unfortunately been getting more and more extreme without me placing all this stuff somewhere else...
I go through phases, like all of my life and mentality, where certain things overwhelm me and take control of my drives. I'm very inconsitant like that- always have been.... So I'm violent right now and it sucks. We talked about my past violence, the stuff I talked to Beth about recently, and he sees that this isn't a 'new' thing for me, it's just come back with a vengence- shifted to the forefront of my emotional make up and waiting to break out at any given moment.
I don't like it.
I don't want to be this way, and because I am this way; but don't want to be this way- it makes it worse because I'm mad at them (whoever is p*ssing meoff at the time) and mad at myself for being mad and wanting to hurt them & it's WORSE! It's WAY WORSE!!!
The seriquil is supposed to help though...
Let's hope it does!
FML
Time 4 a nap- my head hurts