Some of my problems made it hard for me to know who i really am. so i'm trying to write some of that here. All of me is me.
i like being creative... i like doing art & writing/playing music... mostly to express my own feelings. i have a wild imagination and find fantasy & escapism fun cause i want to feel free. but am also quite down to earth about stuff. i have always been able to bring feelings out through my music even when i couldn't make sense of them myself. i like reading poetry people write on this site but i dont write much cause its not something i find that easy! i like being creative in all sorts of ways.
on one hand i'm outgoing and have a big "don't give a ###$ and i will try anything once attitude" with the world, *as a person* i don't care what most people think of me, but with letting people get to know me and get close i'm actually very shy. lol i do feel "paranoid" about people in general, but not in a psychotic sense, i just feel hostile like if a dog bites you you don't like dogs. i just dont feel at ease with people, in that sense inside im just still like a little kid who has been treated badly. i'm not afraid to admit i am afraid to those who im close to, but i find it hard to *be* afraid/vulnerable cause of some of my problems. it makes me into a very bitey dog myself at times lol.
when healthy i do stuff like yoga/meditation and martial arts - it also helps with my mental health and my fitness. i can relate to an idea of "spirituality", but to me that is more about inner peace, not magic. i like animals but i will also eat anything. when i say i can relate to animals more than people, animals can just be, they just exist. they dont have silly social norms. i have often felt that way too. also, i got empathy for animals before i got it for people lol.
there are things empathy has taught me, and apart from if i acted how i felt all the time i would be locked up by now, i have learned lots of (healthy & unhealthy ways) of controlling myself. so i often try to be calm and do the right thing (THIS is more what that spirituality thing is about to me - inner calm,) but inside i am very firey. i can let that out and let my hair down at times. this makes people think i am crazy and going manic when things get too much for me, cause i tend to kick out like hell when that happens, especially with the negative coping mechanisms i used to have (which are negative and i have to keep an eye on.), but it really isn't like mania. it is pain, not that sort of "craziness".
in some ways i am sensitive. things can set me off and i get very upset. i didn't use to have a conscience cause my parents ###$ me up, and i struggle with the devils sitting on my shoulder lol but i am not cold and empty. i am still a bit ###$ up, but i am not going to pathologise every single thing about me.
when im healthy i like being active, like going to the gym, doing my sport, doing challenging/dangerous stuff, call it thrill-seeking behaviour if you like but its hurting no one. as well as being adventurous i can be homely too, i'm also happy curled up on a rug in front of the fire as long as i'm not chained to it. i like talking about feeling and meaning too, i like thinking and coming up with ideas, as well as doing stuff. i like to think for myself, not just blindly believe what im told.
i know the world has no meaning, but i am at peace with that too. i know it can have meaning for me.
i'm passionate underneath it all. i want to love and be loved, but all my life i have not known how, so instead i idealised "love" that i didn't even know how to feel. i have a softer side, its just harder to get at. i can care, but i also have a lot of pain and anger inside. no one is all one thing or another.
in so many ways i am still learning who i am, but i don't feel like i need to know in the same way any more. i am happy just to find out as i go. i don't want to be stuck in mental hell any longer than i have to. i don't really know yet what i want for the future, i am still living day by day, but when not sorting through trauma i am at least living in the present.
as you can imagine, DID took me by surprise
but its not really surprising considering everything. but i'm a trauma survivor not a schizophrenic (just meaning hey, people are getting this very back to front.) it shows mental illness can happen to anyone. i'm just open-minded enough that i could see what was working and work with it. i don't automatically believe things, but i do keep an open mind.i dont hate my parents, but i find it hard to forgive. i find it hard to let go and just live. i have a lot of pain inside. i know i still have some problems. things will come with time.
but i dont want to sit inside and live my life behind a computer, i dont want to hide indoors, i never have done, but i have had 101 ways of running, you know if you have that much pain inside sometimes you can't just keep going, you can't kill the pain by acting it out, dulling it with work, alcohol, food etc or playing it out in relationships. i want a relationship to be something where hapiness and pain are shared, not thrown at each other. where love can become something amazing cause of that,steadier does not have to mean less passionate or less real, there are positive ways for that. finding a way to them is just harder. i don't blame, or judge. but it does upset me, most of all cause
"...the only person who is free...."
i only ever resorted to isolating myself when i was surrounded with codependants/people who were being abusive somehow in ways i couldn't cope with but couldn't really escape. eventually everything comes crashing down on you. narcissistic crisis does not help. (yes, i did just admit that, just my poison was making sure i was never "one-down" not my self image, what happened in my life then was the worst for that. i'm glad it came crashing down on me now not once i had lived my entire life in pain at ninety.) just like someone else said, its a ######6 disorder, get over yourself! lol - i'm trying to do that.
i don't want to live my life alone or in isolation, i never have. in the past i've spent quite a lot of time with other people until everything came crashing down on me. i'm just finding it hard to pick myself up and make sense of it all after everything that's been thrown at me. for the first time in my life im beginning to slowly feel free but it hurts just to try to live again. everything about accepting my past hurts. - and i know i still have problems, i don't think i'm 100% cured, there is plenty more to change and learn, just taking things bit by bit.
i know i am stubborn. its one thing that's helped me get through everything so far
i am not just one thing or another - no one is all one thing or another. some things are me. some things are just pain.
( Pedestal not included )