Sometimes it's hard to remember how frantic I felt back when I was gambling. I seriously have to sit down and call up the memories of that time. But you know what?
I DO it.
Not all the time, (and certainly not because it's fun) but once in a blue moon, because it's so much easier now. THAT'S why it's so important. Yeah, I still get 'urges' but they're rare now and they simply don't compare to the 'URGES' I used to get. Not even close. Now, I'll get a fleeting thought about slots or Keno and then feel shock that it crept in so easily. I remind myself that I will NOT gamble, period, and that's pretty much the end of it. It's seriously that easy now. And THAT'S why I need to remember. THAT'S why I must never forget.
THEN... well, it ate away at me. It prevented me from focusing on anything else and it exhausted me. I wasn't me anymore. I was just some sad, sidelined man who used to have a life. And it seemed at the time like it was unending. I suppose that's because, at the time, it WAS unending. All day long. Day after day. And when I gave in to it (which I did for years before REALLY quitting) I ended up back at day one. So, I guess it was ME that kept it unending and at it's most powerful, but blame is useless when you're battling something like a gambling addiction. It doesn't matter who or what is to blame, what matters is what you do about it.
Now, thanks to time, I can see that each day of NOT gambling makes you stronger and more capable of getting farther down that road to recovery. Actually, it's a road OF recovery. It never hits a dead end unless you decide to get off at an exit leading to a casino.
But for anyone still struggling, please believe me, it gets easier, faster than you can imagine. And by 'easier' I mean EASIER!!!! But that only applies if you've gone Cold Turkey. Make no mistake, it doesn't get easier if you still place a bet occasionally, simply because you've started the clock over again from that last bet. You've put yourself at the hardest part again. That's one of the many reasons it's so hard to beat this thing. But if you CAN go Cold Turkey, you'll be amazed how quickly things turn around.Whenever I write 'I still get urges' I always want to follow it with a disclaimer: "The word 'urges' doesn't mean 'URGES'". They're not the same thing. Anymore than saying 'I love apple pie' means the same as 'I love my children'. Same word, different meaning all together.
I think we actually break the addiction (by going cold turkey) by the end of the first week. From 1 to 3 weeks, we start feeling lost. We've removed something we're so used to, that was so completely a part of us, but there's nothing yet to fill the void. That's a danger zone. I chose to make quitting a project. Something to learn about, understand & try to defeat. A full fledged, obsessive project. That helped. After that 1st month, we get cocky (with a slice of fear on the side) because it's become manageable. THAT'S when that evil voice kicks into high gear and says, "Look how easy it was. You can always do it again, if need be, but I think you've got it under control now... go ahead, gamble a little to celebrate." I've got some experience with both listening to that voice and ignoring that voice - trust me on this - IGNORE that voice! It's a liar. We will NEVER 'have it under control', we'll only be 'stopped COMPLETELY' or 'actively addicted'. There is no in between.
If you don't believe that, check out the posts on this site that start with 'I was doing so well and had stopped for 6 months. But because of (insert reason here) I'm back in and it's worse than it ever was. I don't know what to do.' Who knows, it might even be one of your own posts. But great news. "I finally did it! I'm back on the straight and narrow and starting my 2nd month!" can also be your post. It's all about today's decision. You have complete control over that & I wish you the best with it.
I am 18 days into my 9th month and I'm doing great. That's because I'm completely stopped. IT. MAKES. THE. DIFFERENCE. I didn't use magic. I didn't use medicine. I didn't even use a Gambling Blocker on my computer, yet I'm still clean at 8 months 18 days. It's easy (now) AND it got that way because I didn't slip. Thank God.
Each full day of being gambling free makes the next day easier. Eventually it becomes easy, period. I want anyone reading this to know that. It really does.
But it never becomes 'cured'. As long as I know that part, I think I'm in the clear. I've been hit with some horrible moments in the past 8 1/2 months, and I know from simple observation that I got through them by allowing myself to feel whatever it was I felt. Honesty & time worked for me, and I can say that not once in any bad moment, did I think I should gamble. In fact, I actually thought I was lucky to be gambling free at those horrible times.
I can't promise anyone, myself included, that I'll be gambling free forever. But I can promise that I will try, sincerely try, to be an ex-gambler to the end of my days. It's one of the best goals I've ever set for myself and it feels good. So damned good. Everyone deserves to feel what I feel when I wake up these days. That lazy, 'life is good' feeling that comes from being stress free in a stressful world.
I'm a simple man with no super powers and no great smarts, but I've discovered you just need to be a DETERMINED simple man (or woman) to beat this thing. Here's hoping you do, too.
Today I will not gamble. Never again.