Holy Fu(king sh*t balls!!!
I hate when things get so damn overwhelming like this. It's not even anything Major- just the stupid little stresses all compiling to make me on an on edge fu(kin mess, ready to explode
What's goin on?
The dog is driving me NUTS!
- He's panting, p*ssing and sh*ting everywhere.
- He's constantly barking and howelling (he's got beagle in him), he's chewing up everything in the house.
- He's bugging, hurting harassing, barking at, and jumping on my daughter- so I have her whinning, yelling and crying to deal with on top of the dog himself!
My daughter is visiting me right now & She gets on my nevers A LOT!
- She's whinning, needy, snotty, and has NO RESPECT for my personal space.
- She thinks hurting me emotionally and physically is fun, kicked me at the pool yesterday bc she didn't get her way.
- She doesn't back off and give me the time I need to calm down.
- She's accident prone and constantly hurting herself; having these HUGE crying fits because she does.
- She's a great kid and I DO love her; but these negatives have just been adding to the other crap, and right now I see her more 'black' than white, because of my warped mind- that creates guilt and shame inside me for doing that (as her MOTHER) and makes it all the more damaging and stressfull for me
- Because of my splitting her I am reminded of when I asked my husband to take her because I couldn't handle living with her. I am reminded of the times when she said she doesn't love me and all the other nasty things she says and does to me, even now. I feel like a terrible mother because my daughter treats me this way, because I split her because she treats me this way, and adds so much negative emo- it makes me hate myself all the more.
My Room Mate (son's father) is driving up the wall!!!
- He does nothing around the house (small things on occasion, but nothing constant or anything that NEEDS to be done- just random crap) and he leaves all the dishes in the house for a week or more. I don't do the dishes because they're not my dishes. I didn't make them and he's supposed to wash his own stuff after he uses it; but he doesn't. I've already packed up most of the plates, bowles and utensiles because I was so sick and tierd of cleaning his mess, and we use disposable stuff for the most part now. But all the freeking pots and pans, cooking apparel and any dishes I'd not packed for serving and/or storage- trashed in the sink and festering in ranced water. Getting rusted, molded, water damaged and just outright destroyed. My stuff is EXPENSIVE: I have caphelon knives, Lagostina cook wear and Pampered Chef & Paderno pieces as well. He's DESTROYING IT and I've tried several times to tell/yell and threaten him to take proper care of my stuff or i'll pack it all up and we'll have NOTHING in the kitchen at all He's made bamboo cutting boards come apart, stainless steel stain, more bamboo mold and don't even get me started on the NON stick which is now cooked in stuck on stains
- He owes me money that he not only refuses to pay; but also refuses to admit he SHOULD pay, when I'm not even asking for the money I gave him- just the LOANS!
- He eats all the fricken food in the house, doen't ever BUY much of anything, and he's so over consuming that there's nothing decent left me and the kids to eat when I go feed us. He uses up all my cooking supplies and doesn't let me know that he has, so when I go to bake/make something I missing the things I need constantly!!!
- He's breaking sh*t left right and center, and he won't admit that he broke it or fix it.
- He's a bloddy mechanic and he won't service or fix my Jeep which he expects to borrow regardless.
- When he did take my Jeep, he never put gas in it. He'd take in the middle of the night and fill it with his McDonalds trash and other crap.
- He steals my cigarettes and lies about it, forcing me to go buy MORE at $8.00 a pack
- He hide stuff around the house and lies about it.
- He's lazy and doesn't go to work 1/2 the time so his finances suck, made mehave to pick up his slack, and added stress to me with money and his general uslessness around the house.
- He doesn't respect my needs, wishes or personal boundries at all. He crack rude condeciending jokes all the time and wonders why Iwant to kill him
- He is doing me more maore harm than good to me menatlly, and I'm stuck in the middle because I want to kick him out SO BAD; but then my son will blame me for leaving his bilogical father again and that could damage MY child!!!
- The relationship between him and my son is finally building (he was pretty much gone for 8 1/2 years, began biweekly visits at that point, moved in with us in December 2010 to 'Help' me with expences and watching my son while in the process of therapy) but it's streigned because he too entitled towards my son as a Bfather, and thinks the bond should be automatic and respect is just a given.
- He's lazy and depressed 1/2 the time (I broke him pretty bad 10 years ago and he's never been the same) and so damn unreliable.
- He refuses any kind of request because he's in this constant power struggle with me.
- He focusses on the things I don't do, and gives no credit for anything I DO do, and is just like my dad that way.
- In short he's NOT working out at all and I really want him gone; but I'm afraid of what kicking him out could do to my son emotionally, and that adds to my rage towards him
My parents are retarded and don't respect me/my needs at all!!!
- They still think I should be staying over there any time they want.
- My dad is just a drunk with a bad attitude, as always.
- My mom is hoarding over me as always.
- The thing with this stupid passport!!!! I was supposed to get a PPort for my son a few months ago; but I was at a stage where I was NOT leaving the house at all, and couldn't do it. I'm finally able to go outside and be comfortable so I'm going to get it. My mother was harping on me to get the damn thing for ever. Instead of telling her the truth (I can't go outside right now) I told her I got it just to shut her up. Now she's harassing me everytime I go for this damn thing I don't have. I keep making excusses why I forgot to bring it, miss placed it and stuff because I can't tell her truth becase she wouldn't understand; she would judge me, make me feel all the more insufficient and make the whole thing even WORSE if I told her the truth (which is why I never tell her anything) so now to shut her up- I have to tell her I lost it and will reaply, and that will cause even more headaches for me, and I'm gonna have to do that today when I go there for my dad's 60th Bday
- So the normal abuses and sh*t are there, but this pending fight and emotional torture that will come with her tellingme how irresponsable I am and incapable I am, etc... the GUILT and SHAME tacticks she's infamous for, are really stressing me BECAUSE I know I have ot face that in a matter of hours
My Xhusband's an @ss; but he's always an @ss, so same old, same ol'
XBF won't talk to me, he was the last form of support and understanding I had and I ruined it.
- There's a lot of guilt there...
- I feel very alone and I'm having a hard time picking up the pieces now that I have no one else in my life who I trust.
- That fkn HURTS BIG TIME!
New guys are scaring the hell outta me because I'm so damn afraid of getting hurt.
I haven't been able to mastrubate since the end of school for my son (about 2 weeks now) because I don't have the privacy to do so anymore. That may sound stupid, but it's part of my therapy and I need to mastrubate out the stress other wise it wells up in me like this. Sex with a partner works better, but like I said- I'm too afraid to touch someone else and I fear one on one encounters. Plus I'm a difficult woman to please sexually, in order to find true, full release things have to be just right, otherwise it's still there and that's pretty pointless when I can just do it better myself
My son is great, as always, but as he ages our relationships has changed of course and that's a difficult thing for me to adjust to sometimes. But I respect his space and needs to personal detachment from parents. It's part of healthy development and he knows I'm always here when he needs me- I love when he needs me, because I get to do all the things I want to do all the time, but don't get to do because he's growing more dependant as he should.
So I have A LOT going on right now and I had a really hard night last light because of it. My rage was soo intnese and I don't want to revisit that moment inside me, for it will come back out; but I'll post a piece of an email I sent to someone last night, telling them all about it- so you can see what happened.
Message:
Stupid little stresses (past, present and future) and a bunch of constant annoyances/aggrivations through the day, some internal stuff I just realized with my daughter and the guilt that goes with that, all of this over and over since this morning and I got in bad place...
Went to the downstairs store in my appartment and URGENTLY wanted to grab the cashier by the head and smash her face into the counter repeatedly just to release this. But it was more that a thought, I could feel my body wanting to act on those thoughts. I had to keep focus on my arms (keeping them by my side) and breath deeply to get in, get my smokes, and get out of there without running into anyone else incase they p*ssed me off.
This was 30 minutes ago. It took me 15 minutes to pull it all inside me so that I'm now numb. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not though.
I'm so confused. Only 3 days ago I cut a guy off in traffic, he passed me at a cut off yelled C(NT out his window. I instantly was driven to take suit and follow him to start a sceen or fight (if possible) but I saw my daughter sleeping in her car seat as I checked my mirors- and knew I could act. Normally I'd have played out the hunt, the fight and everything else in my mind if I could act on it. It would have grown and festered inside me. But I just let it go. Can you beleive that? I let some guy calling me a C(NT GO! and I didn't care.
I was so proud and thought I was on a good road, that I was making progress in my healing and my rage was soon to be coming to an end. Now I'm not so sure...
That's my life and it's stupid little stresses
FML!