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| Author: | tayola [ Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:48 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | tayola |
I'm new here, and I'm surprised at myself for actually joining a forum such as this. I consider it the first step to healing myself. I go by Tay and I'm 19. I live in Australia and I'm not good at introducing myself at all. I'm on this site because I can't keep my cutting a secret. I don't want to anymore...I don't know. I literally feel like I could explode. I just need another person to know this fact about me. If anyone cares; I'm not a consistent self harmer. I started when I was about 15 but that was only small cuts that would heal over time. It was only in 2010 when I had my stressful final year of school as well as some problems in the household that I developed a severe anxiety, the desire to cut deeper and a plague of suicidal thoughts. In 2011, I fell out with most of my friends. I had nothing to do and nowhere to be I stayed home for months; sleeping my days away. All my insecurities got out of control and I starved myself. I felt fat and disgusting. I felt more alone than ever. Late last year, on two drunken occasions, I just lost the plot grabbed a knife and went for it. No suicidal intentions, even though since then, I keep thinking about ending everything. Wondering why I haven't yet since I don't have much of a life anyway. I really do have nobody who I can trust to tell everything. And I don't think I'll ever have that because I'm generally not big on sharing my feelings. I do want more than anything for someone to listen to me. I do have people I love, and in turn they don't find me that bad but I just can't go on that level with them. I just know their view of me would change. They'd have this association in the back of their mind 'oh, she cuts herself.' I can just see it happening that way and I can't shake this fear of being seen differently because of some scars. Nothing scares me more than people seeing the real me. As to why I can pour all this out on the internet is beyond me. Absolutely no one knows the inner turmoil that's inside. I am very good at avoiding subjects about myself. I am veryvery good at distracting people with their own lives so that they don't have to see what a horrible life I have. Because I'm not an expressive type, I've never been diagnosed for these problems I clearly know I have. I have to say, the best thing about me is my ability to take such pain. I am not scared at all to end things right now but I feel there's something better for me. I'm hoping there is. I also love my father too much to do that to him. It's a scary thought however, that once he's passed on I won't be too far behind. I feel helpless to myself, to this person that I don't want to be. The fear is crippling and it's getting so hard to keep everything inside. I just need some help. |
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| Author: | flowingtears [ Fri Jan 06, 2012 10:08 pm ] |
Hi there Tay, Hope you don't mind me leaving a comment. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I really hope things get better for you, and that maybe talking about things on here will help. Take care! |
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| Author: | tayola [ Sat Jan 07, 2012 10:29 am ] |
Thank you so much for even taking the time to comment. I am so grateful for your kind words  I hope you don't mind, I had a read of your blog and I want to say that I'm here for you. I can totally relate to feeling empty - where nothing is wrong but it's not right either. I too hope things look up for you Thank you so much once again. Stay strong <3 |
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