I made my decision, the same way I decided days earlier to start taking pills in gradually increased dosages. It started out as yet another way to self harm, to kill myself slowly... Or at least kill the thing inside me that generated all the hatred I have for myself. The same thing that ate away at who I used to be, what I wanted to become.
It left me empty, a void hollowed out by every voice, that touch and every word spoken negatively about who I was. That's why I hold onto all the bad with such a firm grasp, it's the one thing the monster within me refuses to touch. Why wouldn't I want to salvage the shredded pieces of my old self left behind?
They serve as my anchor to the past now... Memories can't be trusted, they are so easily twisted from dreams and figments of the imagination. Pain and scars; they are there no matter what.
Unyielding to time, unforgiving when you need to forget.
You can't fake strong emotion, it's the difference between steel and tin. The times of overwhelming joy, cold hard hopelessness, and extreme fear... leave marks on your soul; your mind.
Or maybe everything I tell myself is a lie, a way to continue the cycle of self abuse. People can move on, they can find it in them to accept what they can't change and instead focus on a future free from it all.
Not me, I don't deserve that much.
I think I'll stay here a while longer... 15, waiting for the lights to come back on.
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*super huge hugs* 
