| Psychology and Mental Health Forum | |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Fri Dec 20, 2024 6:09 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | On the way out of the cave….. |
New Blog; . . On the way out of the cave….. . . Im now trenching my way out of the cave that leads to the sunlight… . Im super stronger then the past; I have a much more honed direction. Its like a solid deep trench leading strait lined to the outside… This is more like a clean strait line from within the cave to the outside… . Its a trench dug in the cave to the outside world… . What is hardest here; what stops me; What is stopping me; The lack of hope that nothing good or productive will ever happen for me; ( dysthymia); I haven't changed for new incursions to the outside world; Im still the shy lost lonely broken kid that is a victim; However, Ive been working with God on changing this for a long time. . I have no faith and connection and belief in anything; and this started when younger… Through brutal practice I learned this. Anyway… . The biggest problem is belief; will I believe; No; will I believe when I hit the outside world? . I had no parents; My whoe life; Everything was centered around my parents and family when young; Family and the concept of it meant more to me then anything. But there was no family; Thats what I didn’t understand; and will find out in the most horrible pure evil forms in the future… However; Understanding this and getting help; Im tougher these days… . NOTE: The problem is; I want to be successful… . However; Im a lost little kid and have been a litte kid; I have to be different this time; I have to have broken through certain walls with God and believe differently then when young; This time; ( pause); I need to believe! And I have to do the work to do so. . What do I need to believe in or that I will be receiving or have the ability to believe in again. . WIFE MONEY HOUSE CAR TALENTS HOBBIES EDUCATION OCCUPATION GOD/RECOVERY/CHURCH/SPIRITUALITY . As for the GOD/RECOVERY/CHURCH N SUCH; I would say this is strong and I believe… Im learning how to believe and learning to practice it; and this long before I get out of the cave; So; I depend on my relationship with God; and I must work on that; Im still a beginner when it comes to ever believing I can have things or earn things in the outer world; Things like; Wife/House/car/Money and such…. . Success is what Im looking for; And if I need help from others and I need new parents; I expect God to supply them for me… I will need a family for help and support… . I expect God to help me…. . I expect support… . So; I must keep working on myself until I am equipped with these things… I do not have any desire to be in the outside world and just be in the same poverty I was in before… I have to come out of my victim hood; have goals and plans and believe im going after them; believing God is on my side and believing in Gods power to help me and help things happen for me… . . NOTE; Ive not lived in the real world concerning working… . Im scared of the pain of a world of betrayal. Or for my innocence to be set up and betrayed again or to never be good enough for anyone. It gets to tiring… . It seems Ive spent my life in a world that has hated me since I was born… wanting to spit in my face and wanting me dead; All because Im innocent… or because I need help; its sickening to treat decent people like they are the problem….. or our bugs that need to be eradicated; unless of course one has money… and then their looked up to. . I will continue to work with God on getting humble that I appreciate any way out or through; and not worry about the work involved. Work means Im not safe; others can take advantage of me. . Right now; the most important change Im looking at is CAR; a vehicle ( but Im not humble enough). I have reservations because of the costs… I don’t think any of it is fair; its more like highway robbery to get involved in vehicles. Its just way way to expensive… I don’t have many alternatives; bicycling. But bicycles dont help if I want to go on a trip in the summer… . 1. Is the problem a vehicle or is it lack of money in general or is it attitude or belief. . If I had a vehicle; do I have a life that I would use it; where did I want to go…. What am I hoping it will do for me.. For what. . . Maybe Im looking for a way out… Maybe Im looking for a safe life that can only occur through right choices… . Many people in the past did not even live as old as I am… I guess that means I get another chance at things. . Im a senior citizen… and Ive never had anything. Ive stayed defensive. . So; Now I work with God. I want to regain that life I once wanted as a boy or teenager… What I want is restoration for my life… . . And that is what Im working on…. . Im like a little kid that wants to be loved and have hope; hope for my future and that God will help me. . . Im thinking I have to be willing to do a whole lot more work for what I want ( and that makes me feel like a slave); Whether it be spiritual work or blue collar work to get what I want…. Ill have to take it to God. The problem is letting go and believing; allowing God in; that I can receive… Trusting God… . I want some answers… I havent been willing… . So; Im working on trusting God; cant say it any better. . . I have to be humbled… start out at a much lower level in life ( humble level but safe); one that I accept much more work that has to be done for anything of value. And as I say this; I can see Gods light. So; I have to learn Ill have to work much more; many more hours at something or months at something to get good at it… . I havent been willing to do the necessary work for what I want. Ive been to scared to get involved because Ive had my arms bit off from being in lifes wrong areas. I also use this as an excuse… . I think the first sentence above was correct; “I havent been willing to do the necessary work for what I want”. . Its like life is a meat grinder that is just waiting for me to put my innocence out on the chopping block. I only have so many arms left to be hacked off! That is the problem…. . Ive never accepted the work load required to have something in my life; to be good at something; or even that I have to work hard enough to have any skill at anything in order to get a job….if I wanted to make real money. But all of that has eluded me. I instead I turned into a small child; went back and hid in my grandmothers basement and had her take care of me. . However; the goal is to accept reality the way it is; meaning; working with God and Gods requirements… . And to do this; I must become humble… accepting God above me and what Gods requirements are for what I want; the pathways…. . NOTE: its all practice for me; therapeutic practice. . NOTE: I was not mature enough to have a job. . And it scares me; its humiliating. But I have to learn how to work for the things I want… . Even if I wanted to win the lottery through the laws of attraction; that would still take massive belief and work; spiritual work working with God… So ; either way; I cant get out of it…. I cant get out of the basic work concepts that are needed to get anywhere in life…. . . Here is an example of the problem…. . I want to be an Artist; but id have to learn how to paint and draw correctly ( Id have to accept the work load involved). And id have to accept that Im doing it because I like to do it; not because of what it will get me. The problem has been; I want the result of long hours of work and study without doing any work or study. Thats been my excuse; but the real excuse has been; I haven't been willing to be a well taught Artist… Im lazy and never put in the work to learn the skills. And that is a requirement of any endeavor; The long hours of work… . Sexual abuse comes up; and other abuses; Fear is triggered… horribly. So; this is not easy. But I always have an excuse not to work at things. I love pleasure more then work and its led to poverty… And I continue to hold on to it to the end; But there is a way out; The new me doesn’t believe in it anymore… it doesn’t believe in being a victim anymore that would cause the clinging of such destructive values. . So; its an internal fight. The question is how long before I give way to just doing what it takes to accomplish things… God please help me God amen…. . So; things are changing and my attitude is changing. I have worked on letting go of several things from the past; its an incredible feat… It really is…. . So; I am making actual accepting changes where I now depend on God and Gods requirements; it reminds me of when I was a little kid never assuming anyone was going to do anything for me. I would have to depend on God and what ever else the requirements from God and not think twice about it because I would not think there is anything else anyone owes me; Im on my own. . And Im trying to get that back… where no one owes me anything…. I can kind of feel it; the excitement and the freedom; its there somewhere in all of this. . . THE ARTIST: And living from the past; As soon as I get back inline with God; will not think it strange to have to get the skills; work for the skills of what I want… I see the sexual abusers; I see them controlling me. I see them not giving me permission to do what I want; but I have to go through them; so thus; Ive been trauma bonded; Im like a slave that must take orders; they have control of my inner being; because I am a slave. Its like Im a prisoner and they are the masters… I cant move unless they say so. No freedom and Ive been trauma bonded into mind control; to a point of brain washing… and I don’t own any of my own life they do; because I have fear that I will be thrown out into the cold as a child… So; the child in me is scared to death of them… Because I have no one protecting me. Nothing… And its all 2 much for me. I have no rights. . So; this sexual abuse experience by these monsters still control me… CPTSD PTSD and so on… And Im learning how to get beyond it! . So; I can feel it! . I can feel the need to work at something. Ive got to work with God on this; Im using ART Creation as an example. . Heres the reality of it; Can I work at this; well; YES! I mean; PTSD CPTSD Dissociative disorder; AVPD. And other problems; agoraphobia; Anxiety and depression; all of these disabilities are causing problems; at this moment; can I learn to get an attitude of gratitude and work on my spiritual side of things and end up doing the work to create; I believe I can at this point; I can feel it. . Am I willing to accept the work it would take to be a great Artist; NO! I have been able to accept or been willing to accept all the work it would take to be a good Artist. For some reason; if I have to put out all that work to be be good at working or mimicking a slave; what is the point; Im just at another venture of slavery. . However; it seems to me I have admitted that I want what a trained artist would get me. And there is the reality or the truth of it; and thus; it means; Im not being honest with myself. I want something but I wont work at it… Nothing is ever worth it to me. . NOTE: Nothing is ever worth it for me! . Ive lost all things I loved in the past; Ive been played into the ground by evil and bad dangerous people; And being destroyed so many times; I gave up on all things long ago… . Now; Im not so sure I believe in Giving up anymore; Now; I believe in fighting to keep who I am and what I want. But Ive got this problem when it comes to committing through work… Meaning working at something long enough to get good at it….. . However; Im still dissociative and trapped inside myself; and have walls to deal with… . I hate the idea of being one of THOSE people! I wanted to think I was smart enough to be above all that; but in reality; Im actually scared of being exposed while working at something or being used after Im done getting good at something. Why bother; it will just be taken away from me; whats the point. . “ Im actually scared of being exposed while working at something or being used after Im done getting good at something. Why bother; it will just be taken away from me; whats the point.” . This has been the main problem… This attitude; Ive used this; and partially true; the sexual abuse does get in the way. But what about the other aspects. What about working on the attitude of; . “ Why bother; it will just be taken away from me; whats the point.”! “ . Can this be worked on? To a point of change of attitude… . Ive not been willing to work on anything or become anything. . Ive refused; and that has been my standing ground of strength… A state of defense. . The problem is; when do I ever become something or over come this; so I can move forward and become something. . NOTE: SO; I can move forward when I face this… and not until I face it and learn to over come it. . It seems to fight and or close down shop; is more important then doing something with my life; And their it is. . “To fight or close down shop; is more important then doing something with my life; And their it is. “ . excuses are more important then living my life; or the excitement of living my life… . So excuses are the only choices I have. ? The only choices I have; Work with God until I trust God… trust God enough to follow through with my goals; And what does that mean. In ART WORK; it means; following through and becoming an Artist! A real artist with real work…. IT means acquiring the skills to be an Artist. . . “acquiring the skills to be an Artist.” Heres the point; theirs no way around it; and theirs no way around the work to believe. No way around it… The greatest experience Ive ever had was the willingness to believe… and thus; I would sacrifice all other things for that purpose. I would put the idea of believing in something above all else and then go after what I wanted… . I don’t believe anything is worth it anymore. And that is the problem. Its a problem because I never really followed through on anything in the first place… . I was thinking about BRUCE LEE; I was thinking about Bruce Lee; He believed in what he was doing; and went after it. I didn’t.. I didn’t even try; I gave up before I got started. . What I need is not security; but belief… I need security; but I need belief… So; I can go after what I want…. . I need security; but I need the ability to wake up and have something to believe in. . Ive got talents; but nothing else…. I mean; Ive got no work ethic. Nothing. No follow through; nothing. Nothing is worth it for me. But even with that attitude; I don’t have the money to be acting like that either…. . . SO; its like Im a spoiled 11 year old who doesn’t have to do anything… or a traumatized 11 year old who cant move… Or both. . Either way; I don’t have a way out. And maybe its time I address God face to face about this… So I can become something… . My Age is not really the problem. In side me is the same guy I always was….. . Im listening to more of the morbid stories of my life going back to the beginning of my life… I do need to feel those stories and get them out. But also; Ive got to have new stories I believe in. If I need a kind of security to go with it; Ive got to stop getting mad about it; and just go to God and ask for help and work with God to get that security. And there is the great divide; the great pain involved. . . IM REALLY MAD ABOUT HAVING TO GO TO GOD TO WORK ON NOT ONLY THE BELIEF IN SOMETHING BUT ALSO THE SECURITY: TO BE SAFE AND SECURE AND TAKEN CARE OF ALONG WITH THE BELIEF IN DOING SOMETHING WORTHY AND EXCITING IN MY LIFE>.. . I have to cover both areas; and I'm resentful about that. All I see is sexual abuse when it comes to taking care of my life; I see others that forced their hands upon me and have control of me… . . I don’t seem to want to face the reality of things… or what I want to be when I grow up…. And I would like to transform that into something worthwhile… . I give up! And I look for minor reasons to give up; I never fight for anything because I never really care enough to believe in anything; or fight for it… . So; Im going to have to go to God about all of this… . . . . Here is an example of some of my excuses of why I don’t fight for anything; . 1. Whats the use; Ill just get old at some point an die; So; the end result is nill; it doesn’t really pan out to have a life; when its all going to be taken in the end anyway; why bother. . And I can hear the concept of massive discouragement. . And that is a good one…. A good example. . . The problem is; I don’t seem to have any good reasons to do anything; or have anything; its all depression…. . So; Ill have to work with God to have reasons to do anything. . . I remember this one famous guy; He gave up guitar-playing to become a body builder. He had had enough of the music business; He wasnt getting anywhere even tho he was a brilliant guitarist and had become famous in a rock band; life I guess was still to up n down with no real future… Maybe he had to continue to perform and thats all he had and it wasnt worth it to him So he gave it up… . Question; is that what he was suppose to do? Under God? . . A thought just came to me. I cant become anything I want when I grow up; because I have nothing but excuses of why cant do things. But one of those is not being willing to hang in their and learn all the skills necessary to become what I need to become to get the job done to be at a high level of proficiency in something… and this sounds like an appreciation for work ethic; me taking care of me and for my work future. . I refuse; . “But one of those is not being willing to hang in their and learn all the skills necessary to become what I need to become to get the job done to be at a high level of proficiency in something… “ . And I cant say it any better then this…. . “But one of those is not being willing to hang in their and learn all the skills necessary to become what I need to become to get the job done to be at a high level of proficiency in something… “ . This ultimately is what it all comes down to; Excuses of hatred toward myself or the system or abusers who have done things to me against my will or when I was 2 young; I do not trust or like society in anyway. And will never allow society to do this to me ever again… but I cant even do that; to protect myself because of dissociation problems… . So; I have allot of fears to face. . But I always have a book full of excuses always… and its truly like being lazy with a set of lazy values that allow me to be lax; and never have to accomplish anything because my beliefs suggest doing nothing is the real motive philosophy for a better life… Nothing speaks louder then nothing out of retaliation for this world and this society… . But the problem with this kind of thinking; I never get anywhere; and that keeps me in all forms of poverty and confusion. . So I have double sets of beliefs; and they both lead me to an end Im not pleased with; and that end is always in a ditch. The only way out from the ditch is a decision to get up out of the ditch. . All my ends are very similar; One is a passive aggression end; where I win out of secret hatred for people and places and things and society…. . On the other hand; I can try something new! The other side of things; is to learn how to work for what I want thoroughly. Stop making any excuses for the high level of effort needed to accomplish satisfactory levels of proficiency at something including grades. . when in high school after being thrown away trampled n bullied; betrayed… For example; I just assume get F’s on everything in school because its safer! . What I didn’t know; whats it feel like to get A’s all the time… And keep a high proficiency level in studying class work and tests and by doing so; get into the right people and places and institutions for what what I want to become. . I refuse to work with them: I refuse to work with my problems… But they are the reality of the day…. . What if I wanted to study mathematics; what if it was hard and I didn’t want anyone to know I realized Im to stupid for math. Would I continue or give up. I would just give up; Whats the use; whats the point; theres no use in doing this; might as well give up”. . “I would just give up; Whats the use; whats the point; theres no use in doing this; might as well give up”. . . This type of discouragement is not something Ive fixed; instead Ive tried to avoid it through many different forms of addiction and other things… . By not addressing it and taking responsibility for it; Ive lurched it to others as if its their problem and not mine… Its societies fault so I don’t have to look at it. But because I never address it; its always here and controlling me. . Yes; its a most powerful and gruesome mental condition; This brainwashed discouragement; But if I don’t address it with Gods help; and address it; How am I ever going to get over something unless I first turn and face it… And then deal with it. Yes; horrible abuses around it from different ages… Sexual abuse; abandonment neglect; and this leading to a kind of emaciated spoiled state. / I was kept like a 6 year old who knew no more for years and years into young adulthood; and then suddenly dump into the real world with no future or skills or love or purpose or meaning; only discouragement. . So; I have allot to work on…. . Im trapped within myself. And ive dealt with it by never addressing it. And I would maybe like to so I can do something with my life…. . The pain is just to over whelming… . . Problems with believing anything in anything including trying anything; learning skills at anything. Getting good at anything; following through with anything…. . . I have acute reasons for not following through with anything. So; do I have any reasons I believe in to follow through with anything… NO! Because; “ Whats the use; it will all just be taken from me in the end anyway”. So; discouragement is a very real and justified resentment or belief; and its backed up with real world horror That I experienced; in a world where I could not fight back or I would lose everything. . I ended up not doing anything; and that kept me safe but not much else and it continues until it stops continuing… I got nowhere in life… and I learned only to dissociate… . Ive ended up giving up everything I would want to believe in…. And never doing anything with my life; doing nothing… as a way of suggesting power and direction….. But in the end I have nothing. And so it defeats itself; it didn’t work. . . I WAS WRONG: IT WAS INCORRECT. . Bruce Lee had it right! He went for it! And that is what I have to believe in… Or I don’t get anything… How to live like Bruce Lee. . . Its possible to be a bum in society and die as such on the streets; no one says I cant. Its up to me; And so I have to work with God until my sanity comes back to me where pleasure is not more important then work…. . NOTE: Im slow; no experience; no maturity. When I can accept this; maybe I will try something. The problem is; the ego has to go… Ill have to really put in some hours on stuff if I want some real world skills. . . . I seem to be lividly mad about doing anything with my life; its horrible defenses; like solid walls against me doing anything; I believe its my defenses in order to stay safe… But safety is destroyed my life. . Not willing to deal with taking chances and dealing with the outcomes regardless of outcome is destroying my life. . Going after things seems; That is destroying my life. . However; when I think of going after things; that means I have to learn legitimate skills; And there is it! Right There; No one is going to tell me I have to do anything; I wont be controlled by anyone or put into vulnerable positions. . So; what does it really come down to; the anger.; where is it coming from. I was pulled out by my mother and father early from having any kind of home… I was thrown away as a child… . And being pulled out of my home to early destroyed my belief in anything; trusting in anything…. . and having nothing but discouragement. . However; most of this; the anger is about being forced ( FORCED) to learn legitimate skills at a thing. If I learn skills at a thing; I get good at a thing and will want to do it; or be part of it… Ill like what Im doing… . My work ethic sucks when it comes to everything. I wont go beyond the requirements to learn skills and get good at things; and the reason is righteous resentments. I had to go defensive in order to survive…. . Either way; Im making excuses because of the requirement of work associated with learning dry skills. Something bout it that drives me crazy; it could be the vulnerability… Meaning; while Im focusing on building these skills; others could take advantage of me… physically; So I wont do anything; I refuse to do. The problem with this; I never address the losses of not doing anything. . The other major problem; If I face all of this; I end up coming out of my morbid reflection back into the real world; and I get to see myself; a life that never developed. Im so far behind its all to much for me to attempt anything; I have nothing but resentments; stacks of life resentments… And I blame life for it; this society…. . However; I never get anywhere making that an excuse… . I have to go slow to finish anything; Lots of detailed work; going slow…. . Its hard; it is; to let go of what happened in the past and hang on to goals or dreams I work toward; ( I go to fast; I have to break things down into small sections and work them thoroughly); even tho I have no guarantee of the outcomes… Because I have no guarantee of the outcomes; I don’t get involved in it. ( I don’t get involved because I don’t go slowly and methodically and thoroughly and accept that Im not skilled enough at anything or knowledgeable enough at anything or experienced with a work ethic enough at anything and this creates immaturity. Going slow means Ill get the job done but wont look very good in others eyes; meaning; intelligent. I better decide whats more important; doing a good job and finishing or being popular). . Well then; what do I get involved in? Thats the problem; and the circle continues to fall in on itself… . On the one hand; I say; its to hard and to much work to learn any skills at anything; and on the other hand; if I do learn skills; Im getting nowhere in life… Id have to learn to many skills and head in a direction or that would head me in a direction away from my mother and fathers memory. . I just want to go back home and be kid starting over again and being loved where everything will be all right! Ill have to talk to God about this. . SO; its a vicious circle that continues to circle over n over n over. . NOTE; I have a real fear of getting involved in anything. Being attacked when very young; 10,11,12; no protection; nothing; This had a dire effect on me… Still does… its hard to get involved with anything or anyone. . . . What can be an answer to these problems; One of the solutions is; work with God to start on something; anything and get good at it through developing skills. And see an outcome…. And work with God on it… . And take this seriously; Knowing Ill go slow and finish what I want to do… And if I can stand it; don’t get payed for it; do it anyway… simply get good at something. . . . I remember a guy commissioned me for a painting a picture of a windmill. I didn’t do it; I didn’t care. Why! Because I didn’t have the skills and it would have been to hard to get them… Not worth it; but when will it be worth it… Thats what has to change… Im spoiled. I wanted to finish that painting but not bad enough… Why? I mean; watered down values… … Not hungry enough for a commission. I guess I could still work with God on it! Id have to take it slow and finish it. . NOTE: Im so mad at having to do things slow. It smashes my ego; but at the same time I would finish something. . NOTE: My defenses keep me isolated; and tell me Im doing the right thing while my life will slip into poverty because of it. . So; this is a lie; my defenses; they are not helping. But that is a lie; I could have slowed way down and put out great effort to create it; but I refused to put out great effort for anything or anyone; and thus; loss of relationships; loss of financial opportunities. Again; Sexual abuse helping to cause this… being controlled. . It was destroyed out of me to put out any effort in anything because it would always be taken away. . . So now; I'm working with God on a new work ethic that would give me purposes associated with my specific problems. One of the solutions is; ( PAUSE). IM SLOW; Get used to it… . NOTE: One time in collage; I really hunkered down on a painting; I never finished it; but I copied an old masters work of an angelic female Nun; a saint; It did a very good job on lighting and shadowing and garment details. It had quality to it; maturity and substance; this looked like someone who put some work into a painting. And It O so slow to create. But it was worth it… and maybe I need to do that again. . . IS their a way out; . One way is; and this; after God was talking to me or the Universe putting new thoughts in my head; One way is to stop making excuses for getting good at something and putting out the work load or ethic to get good at something… How about I get good at it for no other reason then I want to be. . Do I want to be good at something; YES! . But I would never do it because Im not worth it! Or its safer to just stay regular in life; unknown unassuming… . However; there is the problem of not getting the reward of being good at something… . . . So; Im getting some answers.. . . . . . Nothing worse then not having a car and then putting out a bunch of work toward things that make no money! . Its all of it so defeating… . . So; I have to work with God on things…… On solutions… and learn to believe. . . . One major problems; I speak from a point of loss. But in reality Ive lost nothing…. I lost everything but then I never started anything… . Ive never had anything in the first place. I never learned any skills enough to develop or finish anything…. In music; I never created anything enough and memorized it for performance; So I had nothing. . NOTE: With the mental disabilities I have; if I attempted to memorize something; I would make a major fool out of myself; it would take 6 months to memorize a song; But really; maybe I should do it anyway and stop letting limitations make decisions for me. Maybe I have to accept Im going to do what I want; even if it takes me 6 months. Im so afraid of what the world would think of me. . Im just not who I wanted to be when it came to certain aspects of learning; learning skills. Im slow; so; thats just the way it is; so if I could just accept that and look at my other aspects; maybe I could manage to make it through my goals and dreams anyway… amen. Its hard all of this; it makes me feel like a loser. I feel like Im retarded. . NOTE; Im not sure after the 1st or second grade; I really went any further in learning. I never remember being able to be present to learn anything; So; I also never learned how to memorize or study for a long test or a big project. This inability to learn has to do with immaturity as well. . Even if I created new beginning average songs and performed them; memorized them; Id have something developing; I would be developing myself..and I would get stronger. . . The real point is; Ive never done anything that could be taken away from. So I never really had anything to complain about in the first place. . My complaints are mainly about being abandon when young; those are legitimate complaints… . However; Im not here to complain about being abandon; I mean I will talk about that; but my biggest problem right now is the lack of work ethic and sanity associate with creating something and getting good at something… I refuse to get good at something because I don’t want it taken from me and I hate the idea it goes nowhere in life. Whats the point! I am lacking faith and being faithful in anything; especially the work it takes to accomplish something; whether it be a goal or a dream or a relationship with a higher power that can get the dream for me… Either way; I quit long before the miracle. In many cases Im so discouraged before I start; I never start anything… . Im mad that I have to work my way up the ladder of success one creation at a time… it really bothers me that its all dependent on my work skills and having to get better at them…. This whole thing drives me crazy; especially when it comes to anything dealing with the arts; getting good at the arts… . On one hand I claim I want to be good at the arts because I want to be good at it; on the other; whats the point; whats the use of it; I wont get anything for my trouble anyway; why bother… . . The real problem; The real problem stems from resentments of where I live; not living in decent environments… where I have privacy or safety; or security… . The other is; work ethic. It will take to long to become good at something; whats the point. . However; it seems the answer is; if I would become good at something; really know the ins n outs of what Im doing; I would get good enough to be able to be part of society using those Arts. Those skills. The fact I could develop those skills; the skills to handle society and my environment to create skills would suggest a success story. . I seem to want what being highly skilled gives; but I just cant bend enough and humble myself enough to get into it… its cost. The cost is to high and I wont get into it; But thats crazy; the cost is always what ever it actually costs to get good at something or better at something; it takes what it takes for anyone… . I just refuse to pay what is required. Sure I have my reasons; but don’t I have any reason to do it anyway; isnt it worth it. And there is the insanity of it.!>. . NOTE: Fear and extreme legal immaturity cause much problems. . At-least im getting somewhere with this… . No one owes me anything; and that is really the bottom line of all of this. . NOTE; No one owes me; but then at this point; Im not sure anyone has to. Ive been working with God for a while now and I believe I owe me and I can work with God and may prefer it and even attempt it and like it that way… and accept it that way. Im on my own… . Im mad I cant function: However; on the good side; I learn Im the only one left to take responsibility; and that is a great fantastic thing while working with God. That means I start learning how to be independent and take care of myself and if I get successful at it; it means Im growing upward again. I don’t want to use excuses. I want to build skills in something I would want to do…. . Its just that I believe I can build these skills slowly if I work on that a little every day. I have to remember Im on a disability. . Sure; I have sad emotions associated with childhood; a time I wanted a mother and father with me to teach me and take care of me as I learned new skills. That will never happen; Ill be thrown away… . The pain of triggering of memories; I was not loved; I was not missed; I was used and tossed away and I never saw it coming; If I learn new skills Im always reminded that no one was their for me; and that is just to overwhelming to be pulled back into; Meaning; reliving the time I was destroyed; a time I was thrown away with neglect; full neglect… From this; I was in shock and never came back to reality. . . However; allowing the past to rule me is insane. I can easily see its insane for me to give up my life or future because of what happened in the past… but that doesn’t mean I can control it… However; working with God; God has shown to help me out; in Gods spiritual realm I can get a change of attitude and that might make all the difference… . . A Negative attitude; The idea I wont get anything for all the labor put into something. Ive been through this before; and had everything taken from me… regardless. So why should I believe. What for… whats the point. . However; with that kind of thinking; I end up in poverty; what good is poverty… . . . Ive believed I have to be rescued; in my case; Fine; Ive got my problems; But I have to learn to help the process. I can start with prayer and meditation. I have this strange concept that someone is suppose to rescue me… what do I mean by this; it means someone owes me concerning the rewards I would have gotten for working at something. So; I want the rewards without doing the work… or dealing with the uncomfortably of not being fast at learning or smart enough… . Scared of being dumb; Im slow at learning; My mental disabilities scare me when it comes to intellect. Sure; I might be intelligent; but I cant use it. Some times I cant even find it! . By having to learn skills it will show im average at best at anything ( Im afraid Ill find Im slow and that will crush me). I might have a sensitive bend toward things; which shows talent; but I wont be showing any intelligence ability; And that drives me crazy. My Ego… / The reality is; something is missing… something is empty… or has no value… or ive been so spoiled… . If I had no money and thought no one owes me; I wouldn't think someone was suppose to get me a wife or buy me a house or a car and its bills that go with it. . So; Im working with God to come out of the victim mode… So I don’t think anyone owes me… . Ill get their; Im struggling with all of this right now. Ill work through stuff and keep working at it… amen. . . . . . . So; learning how to work at something and finish something; taking on a task and finishing it, even if it take a long extended amount of time; its worth it; in fact; thats the values I aught to be learning; its the horse before the cart. . NOTE: I always wanted someone else to pay for the candy I wanted at the candy shop, when ever I wanted that candy… I never worked for a dime in life.. ( Im not talking about disability; that is a medical condition; not part of this story). . I was not dependent on my work ability alone to make a living or profit. I never got a chance to learn it or experience it when young… . If I had started out with nothing; I would not think anyone owed me anything; I would have had to work an save and work with God on opportunities for more money that would give me better places to live and cars to drive… . Its slowly coming back to me. . . One problem I have is impatience where patience has nothing to do with reality….. being impatient with learning a musical instrument or becoming a writer or composer or artist. This makes no sense; if one wants to be good at this type of thing; its about putting in the hours everyday for such things… . NOTe; immaturity and being spoiled. . And then I say its not worth it; its not worth learning if I don’t have a rich Grandmother supplying all the goods; meaning she shows up first out of nowhere; without any work on my part to show up. I just expect the dream to happen even if I don’t believe; I expect her to show up with the money… No effort. dreaming correctly and working under God to manifest it; Not needed; thats what the lazy part of me things… I can just get something without facing all my internal walls of defense that cripple me all the time. . Its like; whats the use!; even if I work with God it will all be taken away anyway; it wont last. . When it comes to working at something; Im completely outside the loop; Im talking about a job with benefits and such… Instead I simply dropped out of society… but that didn’t do me any good in the long run… Now as I get better; mental illness actually made me drop out… But nothing ever made me drop in. And thats what Im trying to fix now as I wake up. . So; the road is hard regardless… But that really isnt the problem. The problem is; I just stopped caring along time ago about anything… And that didn’t work either… . Not carrying about anything wont work….. So I have to work with God to start carrying again…. And thats what Im working on now; trying to get back to a point of not being spoiled where I can throw everything away simply because I want to loaf around with a rich Grandmother supplying everything for me… . Today if I want a rich Grandmother; I will have to talk to God and work on this with God. For today I have to work on what I want from the ground up; this is one of Gods requirements for me. . . Its a strange place Im at right now; its like; I don’t want to die; but I cant seem to move; Im like in flight or fright mode on everything; no movement forward but not wanting to die and go away either… . And because of this; its got me in a strait jacket but also with hope; I have hope because I don’t want to die. . Now; I have to work with God on what I do want…. . What do I want… . And; what do I want and what am I willing to work with to get it… How can I get it from God. . Here is an example of what I mean. . 1. I want a car… 2. I want the money that will take care of the car 3. I want the ability to be disciplined not to spend that car money on some3thing else. . So; I want success when it comes to everything dealing with a car! I want to believe… . So; I talk to God; what am I willing to work at for this to happen… And their it is… . I do feel the frustration pain; I had no parents that would be there to watch me get my first car… . So I have to ask God to bring me new parents… and a new life. Ill keep working with God on this; amen. . There is a gap. . I mean; a gap resides in all of this; a dissociative gap; that flips everything on its head and wants to live in the past when I was a little boy; so; Im not dealing with any of this right now; denial all over the place. Not wanting to face the lonely presence. . However; if I dont want it lonely; Ill need to work with God to have new people for support brought on by God; amen. . The strange problem with all of this is belief. And that I think someone owes me. When I stop thinking someone owes me and I have to earn all of it; and I don’t think someone owes me; Then. \. And in some cases; Im getting back to that; I know on same scales no one owes me anything. . When I think someone owes me something; I feel like a slave… . When no one owes me; I feel like I must just accept life at the level of responsibility. And that being responsible is normal. . In fact most of my problems; allot of them are about responsibility; not being reliable and responsible as a number one factor in success… Im not responsible or reliable. Ill work with God on this. . Some levels of responsibility have come back. Now; I would like to use that responsibility in all practical terms to ensure my ability to follow through with something. . Ill use Art creation as an example; . Id have to work at creating skills in Art; no way around it. I claim someone owes me; meaning; if someone had been their when young; I would not still depend on the world to learn how to develop basic skills in something… . Its your fault; thats what this ends up as; not mine. That means no responsibility. . Responsibility scares me because I was forced to take on all parts of life very young and was burned out and shattered in a state of shock. I could not do anything when a small child; accept be a small child; I was all alone; no one cared… . In the end; this keeps me at the victim level where I can feel through being a victim. If you take the victim role from me I cant feel anything correctly; if I keep the victim role alive; I can keep what others did to me alive; and thus keep throwing out the victim flag and getting attention for it; a certain kind of love for it… or attention affection. . However; if I get attention being the victim; how will I ever learn to get attention through success or achievement of something I developed on my own including the high level skills to do something. . I cant learn hi level skills unless I have a reason or hope to use them. And with faith; Ive got to be faithful. Do the things I like to do; develop them. Now; I would like to go fourth into developing; learning how; going through it. . I also; dissociate all the time when I try to see myself with these new skills leading to achievement and a new car and the money for it. My mind just shuts off and thinks of addictive pleasures instead. . My writing is good for me; However; I can see how this subject just raps around itself over n over n over again… . . I have to align with God…. Especially when I get up in the morning…. Alignment with higher power…. That means God is in control. And I go in the direction of God...amen… |
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