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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/index/index_b-14426_r-4753_sid-c03e71cf4f4eaed5bdcfdd3e5955b519_u-261876.html |
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| Author: | Chels91 [ Fri Mar 04, 2022 1:23 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | My dad’s possible confliction (trigger warning) |
An early memory I have of when I was 8, which was the earliest year my dad started molesting me on a frequent basis, is him stopping right in the middle of it, looking and sounding a bit disheartened. He said something to me too, but I don’t remember what. I’ve always wondered what that might’ve been about and mentioned this to my therapist who proposed the idea that maybe he would occasionally feel some regret, which she says was the case of her molester and has heard of similar stories from other survivors. Given other things that happened I can remember, this could very possibly be true. I remember one time again when I was 8, he had just finished giving me oral sex. Once I had settled down, he started asking me if I was still enjoying this. Me being too young to know better and enjoying it at that point, I answered that I was. Like I said before, he would ask me this while going down on me sometimes, because he liked hearing me tell him it felt good, but this time was different. He kept asking me if I was sure I liked it and if I wanted him to keep doing it. The way he asked seemed like he was looking for a reason to keep doing it, almost like he had some regret. He would ask me these questions after molesting me on more than one occasion. But only when I was 8 and 9 and he didn’t ask me too many times. I could probably count the number of times he did on one hand. But when he did, it seemed like he might’ve been feeling conflicted about molesting me and his conscious was catching up to him. It was like he was asking me if I was still enjoying it, making doubly sure that I was, as his incentive, to keep on doing it. I’m tempted to blame myself more if this is indeed true, but I’m also trying not to think about that. It could always not be true. I say all of this in retrospect, of course. I was obviously too young to read if he was feeling conflicted back then. And not that it makes any difference if he was, obviously. I know if he did feel any remorse, any second-guessing, it couldn’t have lasted terribly long because he kept doing it without thinking twice about it. Like I always say, I only write about these things that don’t and shouldn’t matter for myself. To help me make sense of things that happened to me. I don’t care so much if he felt any remorse or not as I do just trying to understand some of his behavior. |
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| Author: | Snaga [ Fri Mar 04, 2022 9:34 pm ] |
Well I know you know better than to blame nine-year-old you. |
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