...Or privileged or whatever I must call it. Look at this. I've got:
- a lovely family, which does not include siblings but two parents that are together and are always caring/supportive grandmothers and maaannnyyy great nieces/nephews and aunts/uncles
- even though I do not have siblings I have one friend I know my whole life, and our parents are friends too, I see him as a brother, he is also an only child
- great friends
- finally a BIT self discipline thanks to my therapist
- a great house, I still live with my parents but thats less lonely and its a beautiful house with a big garden and a sweet norwegian forest cat (he came on my request) and I have soo many clothes and nice food etc etc my parents kind of spoil me but I always thank them for that
- a good appearance. looks are not everything but I know good as hell how diffocult it is when you are perceived as ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so I used to get called ugly all the time (at middle/high school). But, now I do not get these remarks anymore, and I feel good because even though I do not have model height I have a cute face and body. It could be much worse so I love it
- I am healthy. I do not have a chronical illness or something.
- Even though I am not smart genetically, I have enough books laying around (and a library near) to feed my hunger of knowledge
- it are the small things that can make you really happy. Like, a sunny day, laughing together with others or a relativating thought.
- More like minded people in my topic than I ever would have guessed when I started it (to be honest I never expected any similar thinking people at all)
- the picture of Davids mommy, I know its completely ridiculous and crazy to be happy with that since I don't even know the damn woman, only thing I know she is my role model untill eternity (or untill I've got my own confident self
) because she is so full of contradictions, strong yet vulnerable, sweet & heartless, intelligent yet irrational, calm and calculated and hysterical and out of control, ying and yang blah blah but anyway I think the key to attractiveness is CONTRADiCTIONS. Someone with a lot of different sides. Its everything I aspire to be. I will be like her, one day 
And...I do not have any contact with David anymore and this time I know its for real and I will finally be able to let him go, because:
- I do not even feel bad, or like I am the one thats given the short end. Because I feel I wasted enough time on this egoistic pathetic excuse for a man. It's so refreshing!
- I value myself over him, and this makes it impossible for me to be happy giving in again, giving him his way but devaluating myself. No, instead I will rest my case and thus giving him food for thought, regardless if he will think about it because thats not my problem. The thing is, I finally defended myself and I refused to let him make me upset. Why did it take so long?!! I never imagined it could feel good!
And I feel really happy because I am finally not REALLY scary of being happy. Maybe my fear will come later but right now I just remember the words on a website "just enjoy feeling happy even though others may feel bad, feeling bad will not make others happy and there is no "natural balance" and you will not get a car accident immediately after reaching happiness "
or whatever that website said but it was along these lines.
I stil can not really believe it and I NEED to do volunteer work or health care work or something but still it was a relieving website.