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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/index/index_b-12698_sid-dfb925730e7c9c0d0813aa9ad5c465c3.html |
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| Author: | Zor [ Fri Mar 15, 2019 2:53 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Old Writings |
I shared several old poems on the forums here (https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic211905.html) and thought I'd make a blog post here to make them easier to find for people. The Unknown (Oct-Dec 96) A constantly erratic theme Where only the stars gleam A place of nightmares and dreams a place of forever equals and no teams The great motion in works Where the ultimate unknown lurks A forest of stellar sights A thousand maybes and mights A place of wonder no one will find A world only within our mind Open Wounds (3-13-97) My life is full of nothing holes I cannot fill in my mind nightmares, dreams, hopes, fears all inside but not all mine Open woulds bleeding inside in places I don't know in places I can't find She dances, she is a flower, she is my precious fairy, he is my strength, he is my mirror, none are me who are all me These open wounds remain buried beneath the skin so far they pull me down like tar these open wounds a hidden pain Pixie No One Knows (6 Dec 98) No one knows that this is true Deep within, other versions of me Longing to be open and free as you Desperately hidden, desperate that you don't see We cling inside to our lights Hiding from the shadows dark No one knows the pain and frights No one knows we are your fire's spark My Grief (3-28-97) I'm walking through the trails by Moose Lake, it's 2AM the branches pull at the tights, tug on the skirt "I feel pretty." I hear the words but it's not me, I don't say them If I knew how I got here, if the heels didn't make my feet hurt Another night sneaking into the house dressed like a girl I'll bury the clothes in my closet, deep inside the feel I'll get caught, I want to hurl I hate that again this happened, ashamed I'll hide Why don't I remember how it began, where I got this dress the things I'm in, down to the panties, too scared to be amused a 10 minute walk, I left as a boy, over an hour later an amnesiac girl, what a mess so much time, many actions, no memory, I feel self-abused I know I'm not gay, or think I'm a girl, so what the hell?! How does this keep happening to me, why has it always happened to me?! I feel like I'm living between lives, the memory gaps a prison cell I wish I knew what was concealed, what my mind hides from me Another weekend babysitting, wearing worthless clothes is fine so when I find myself away from here dressed like a pretty flower long since thrown away what I wore, it won't be a big loss of mine I don't know what I'll be in or doing, and I hope it's not longer than an hour My Monster (5-7-97) I feel the monster stirring inside it plagues my mind, haunts my dreams it is the nightmare I cannot forget or hide I fear it is more real than it seems A dark man standing like an overlord whose menacing presence makes me shake his touch as dark as his form, I feel whored he comes just a few times a year, how much can I take My monster is the worst kind not only because he makes me a little kid My monster lives within my mind always punishing my crying after doing what he did How am I so awful to deserve this fate what did I do to be punished by his touch despite my dear friends inside, it's me I hate Am I so awful to deserve this pain, because it's just too much My monster says he loves me while he destroys openly gentle and loving with a smile but when he comes for me alone, it's a menacing poise what he did poisons the mind with toxic bile My monster chases me, catches me, causes strife could I ever be free without ending my life Nashville (17 Apr 02) A dark train pulls into Nashville He can't remember from where he just came The city lights confuse his brain he doesn't know where to go The sky above is just ascloudy as the day he's seen He keeps looking into the mirror every day hoping he'll see something he knew yesterday he keeps looking into himself hoping to find the answers to who he was A cold rain falls over Nashville He can't stop shivering from deep within The rain pounds on his window, but he'll never know it when morning begins The night outside is as dark as the sight of the day He keeps looking into the mirror every day hoping he'll see something he knew yesterday he keeps looking into himself hoping to find the answers to who he was Tomorrow he'll take the train out of Nashville He won't remember how he got there or why The days go by so fast without recollection, and no one can tell him why The days are a blur like the memory of his recent life Freedoms (to dream for) (24 Sep 03) Put me in a nice skirt and then put ribbons in my hair top me off with a pretty pink shirt let me be free, I don't care if they stare they think they know so much but they see so little and they are blind to compassion's touch to far to the sides to see the middle bows on my shoes and simple white tights all on soft skin and legs so smooth why is personal expression won with fights why does fear make it impossible to move and underneath what I'll wear as well pretty, personal, and private; protected by my modesty as such there's some things I'll just never tell why is what I want so hard for you to see let me wear a pretty dress and do the day as I always would my life is mine, not just a mess I don't believe what you think I should we can wear adult clothes, a skirted suit, too even high heels and panty-hose let me just be equal as much as you I long for freedoms such as those To fly on my own wings to be able to wear my own things To just be wear I'm at to show off my ears like a cat To be as pretty as a sunflower to be myself is a heady power To be adorned in ribbons and bows as soft as silk, head to toes To dance, spin, and twirl to be as carefree as a little girl To be free, what a dream To show we're more than we seem. -- So this ending, the pairs (all but the last) are a "roll call" of sorts for the girls in us... "my own wings" - Pixie "ears like a cat" - Kaitie-Lynn, nickname "Kitten" "pretty as a sunflower" - Katya's nickname is "sunflower" (early-mid teens) "adorned in ribbons and bows, soft as silk" - Satin "carefree as a little girl" - Chloe (10-12'ish) I only know ages for a few... it's a fuzzy subject given the last 8 years or so on FB and appearing to age like I do, but NOT being my age like the oldest/earliest ones should be if they always aged like I do... I know Chloe is a kid, she wants a "Pinkie Pie" plushie... sleeps with my Ryo-Ohki plushie often... I know Katya inside says she's 18 and about to marry Noah in the narrative world inside, but in reality they say she's a little younger than that... and when I first "met" her online it was when she was 13... and she honestly came across as a little older, but a little younger now... so mid-teens is my best guess. Pixie, Kitten, and Satin are all similar ages... but it's hard to pin down how old they are given the forced changes they went through to appear normal over the years... we're still trying to get to know each other, learn each other, and all that in this other sort of way and if it's important I guess we'll know and/or figure it out as we go. |
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