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floatingtree
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   Thu Jun 27, 2019 7:07 pm

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Right...

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:16 pm

I think this week started off fairly well... Now it's not so good. It's possible that all it took to trigger me was a look from someone I know. It seemed like he was judging me. I can logically argue that it might have been something completely unrelated which made him look like this. If he was judging me, I can say, what right does he have to judge me etc., but still, here I am, angry and miserable.

I suppose another factor which might be triggering me that my friends are much more successful than I am. I seem to have an epic case of status anxiety. There's always some social event ahead which I'm dreading - weddings, seeing relatives, parties, whatever.

Even friends who aren't successful at the moment can usually look back and say, when I was doing such-and-such I had a really good time. As for me, I think I was happy for about two months when I started college. It was a fool's paradise. I have a huge aversion to doing what I'm told in the scholarly environment of fear and self-righteousness. Therefore it's almost impossible to make an effort and of course I eventually dropped out.

Yet another triggering factor is my eternal quest to do some kind of job that doesn't contribute to my misery! Just trying to change my life brings on waves of despair (melodramatic, me?).

A "friend" of mine is behaving like a you-know-what. He'll make a nasty comment about me, nearly always when other people are around, in a horrible tone of voice. I've taken action by being passive aggressive! If he makes one more comment like this, he's totally out of my life for ever. Did I mention I'm one of his groomsmen in his wedding next year?

Back in the real world, I applied for some voluntary work but I haven't heard anything yet. I dunno.

One thing that consoles me is that one day I'll be dead! I have no fear of death whatsoever. But I fear crappy social events and rubbish like that..

Okay, I'm going to make the dinner while listening to some self-help stuff. It sounds good when I'm in an okay mood. Let's see what it's like when I'm miserable.

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