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floatingtree
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Time to give up on something
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Mental health vs. physical health

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Mon Oct 01, 2012 8:45 pm

I've been sick for a few days. I must have eaten something which disagreed with me. For a while it was nice to lie in bed, in physical rather than emotional pain. To know that just lying here is the right thing to do at the moment.

I spend so much time just feeling guilty and crappy about myself and my life, or feeling annoyed at other people and society. What's the point? At the moment I see the futility in this behaviour, but I'm bound to be miserable again from force of habit.

(Most of the rest of this post is general ranting)

A summary of school: learn whatever stuff we tell you to learn. Fear mistakes. Fear deadlines. Everything is fear. There is no inspiration or motivation here. Don't contradict me.

A summary of work: your training is about covering our own asses. We don't care about you. We only care about you to the extent that you are profitable. But you have to act like you care deeply about us.

Even if you do a little job for someone - mowing a lawn or whatever. You're fulfilling a basic need, and getting a simple reward, but there's such an awkwardness in the money transaction. Yet our jobs summarise our entire personhood - he's a shop assistant, she's a lawyer, he's unemployed.

I'm always thinking, I'll find a job that suits me.. that doesn't take years of college.. And I sit in front of a computer and procrastinate, or occasionally have an "episode". Or just sit there, paralysed.

I do hobbies. I occasionally try and do creative stuff, but I usually feel guilty and end up doing what I've described in the previous paragraph.

Can I solve this problem? Maybe I can't. And it's hard to ask for help. And other people's advice tends to be wildly inappropriate anyway.

Yeah..

I guess I rejected society at quite a young age, partly because much of society rejected me. You probably know the story: kid is unhappy at school, gets bullied, grades go down, teachers start to dislike kid, meanwhile kid's parents are miserable and fighting all the time, kid retreats into fantasy world.

School ended ten years ago. But still, that program is running in my mind - despise authority, life is bleak and pointless, do not comply!

I can make new programs, but I've still got that one running away, like a trojan horse or whatever. Maybe blaming past miseries is a mistake. Maybe my problems are innate, or merely exacerbated by bad experiences.

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Right...

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:16 pm

I think this week started off fairly well... Now it's not so good. It's possible that all it took to trigger me was a look from someone I know. It seemed like he was judging me. I can logically argue that it might have been something completely unrelated which made him look like this. If he was judging me, I can say, what right does he have to judge me etc., but still, here I am, angry and miserable.

I suppose another factor which might be triggering me that my friends are much more successful than I am. I seem to have an epic case of status anxiety. There's always some social event ahead which I'm dreading - weddings, seeing relatives, parties, whatever.

Even friends who aren't successful at the moment can usually look back and say, when I was doing such-and-such I had a really good time. As for me, I think I was happy for about two months when I started college. It was a fool's paradise. I have a huge aversion to doing what I'm told in the scholarly environment of fear and self-righteousness. Therefore it's almost impossible to make an effort and of course I eventually dropped out.

Yet another triggering factor is my eternal quest to do some kind of job that doesn't contribute to my misery! Just trying to change my life brings on waves of despair (melodramatic, me?).

A "friend" of mine is behaving like a you-know-what. He'll make a nasty comment about me, nearly always when other people are around, in a horrible tone of voice. I've taken action by being passive aggressive! If he makes one more comment like this, he's totally out of my life for ever. Did I mention I'm one of his groomsmen in his wedding next year?

Back in the real world, I applied for some voluntary work but I haven't heard anything yet. I dunno.

One thing that consoles me is that one day I'll be dead! I have no fear of death whatsoever. But I fear crappy social events and rubbish like that..

Okay, I'm going to make the dinner while listening to some self-help stuff. It sounds good when I'm in an okay mood. Let's see what it's like when I'm miserable.

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Day 1

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Sat Sep 22, 2012 1:53 pm

I made a blog entry a few weeks ago but when I submitted it there was a problem and the
entry was lost in cyberspace. So this is going in a word processor first and the website second...

I can be a fairly contented guy a lot of the time. My problems are anger, rage and depression.
They get triggered by certain things. Certain things about the world of work are a big trigger, as
are things about the world of formal education, and just some general things that most people
probably never notice or think about.

Some things are hard to talk about, aren't they? Even on this relatively anonymous forum.
Sometimes I can talk about difficult things to friendly strangers, or people I hardly ever see.

I'm considering taking some time out to do some voluntary work in a different country.
This WILL trigger me. I did this around the same time last year and it was an emotional
rollercoaster, good and bad, and sometimes I acted like I was bipolar (maybe I am, but I don't
think so).

Still, you have to get outside your (dis)comfort zone, don't you? Normally I work in the family
business (a very humble business), which doesn't really suit me at all.

Anyway, this blog is a start. See you along the road.

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