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Consumer 2
Consumer 2
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Aug 18, 2012 5:39 pm
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- June 2019
The truth
   Thu Jun 27, 2019 7:07 pm

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Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Thu Jul 03, 2014 7:01 pm

I'm back after an absence of some time. A little lost for words at the moment.

My older blog posts tended to have a lot of ranting. I'm going to try and be more constructive.

I might be going to a counsellor soon. Might be a good thing, might not. At the moment the thought of it is contributing to my depression somewhat.

I've had a difficult couple of weeks but at this moment I'm not feeling too bad. Being distracted is good. I've got music playing, I'm typing this, drinking coffee... Not too much room for depressive thoughts.

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Ah. Foiled again.

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Sat Oct 13, 2012 2:20 pm

Wahey! I just typed a really long post and then lost the whole thing. Brilliant. It was a pretty negative post anyway.

I need a more idiot-proof blog. Or maybe I'll just write on paper.

If anyone wants to see more posts, let me know.

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We're all just chimps in suits

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Thu Oct 11, 2012 8:13 pm

That "friend" of mine invited me on another night out. I'm not going. Ha, imagine if he read this and discovered how much he annoys me!

So many people my age are getting engaged.. And I'm still in my twenties! I'm seriously considering becoming a hermit. Being totally cut off from humanity.. I wonder what that would be like. For years, my most common fantasy is to be totally alone. The last man standing...

I have been very depressed this week. During the evenings I recover a little, although that could be because I'm just distracting myself with stuff.

I've noticed that if I see someone I know, very often I wait for them to say hello first. I feel unworthy to initiate conversation. I've spent most of my life feeling ashamed and depressed. I make jokes to disguise my social phobia, so people probably think I'm really laid back and happy. I'm the opposite.

Hopefully a nice solitary weekend will lift my spirits. Well, they couldn't be much lower than they are right now.

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Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Mon Oct 08, 2012 5:45 pm

So it seems I have two options:

(1) Just muddle through my life. I'll get nowhere and may well end up in dire straits, but I'll be relatively sane in the meantime.

(2) Try and fix things. This inevitably leads to despair and rage.

I had an insight into (2) earlier. The reason I lose my sanity when I try and change my life is because it brings up so many bad memories. Stirring up past failures, other people's judgements (real or imagined), the fear of making the same mistake again, losing all my money etc.

It's a bit like moving house - you're disturbing all these possessions, uprooting bits of your life. I remember being highly strung when I moved house years ago. I read an interesting article somewhere, explaining the psychology behind the stress of moving house. I've got the feeling that anyone reading this will be wondering what the hell I'm on about!

I've been having a lot of thoughts about... how to put it.... dumping my friends! Particularly the one guy I mentioned in an earlier post. There's definitely a distance growing between us. It's funny how that can happen. With a couple of girlfriends it was the same. I'd be thinking, I wish I had my freedom, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. Then very soon afterwards, I'd be dumped! Haha. I'm a sceptical kind of guy but maybe we can sense when we're not wanted, even over large distances.

I've been reading a book about a guy who travelled across the world without getting into a plane. Man, I'd love to do that right now!

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Mental health vs. physical health

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Mon Oct 01, 2012 8:45 pm

I've been sick for a few days. I must have eaten something which disagreed with me. For a while it was nice to lie in bed, in physical rather than emotional pain. To know that just lying here is the right thing to do at the moment.

I spend so much time just feeling guilty and crappy about myself and my life, or feeling annoyed at other people and society. What's the point? At the moment I see the futility in this behaviour, but I'm bound to be miserable again from force of habit.

(Most of the rest of this post is general ranting)

A summary of school: learn whatever stuff we tell you to learn. Fear mistakes. Fear deadlines. Everything is fear. There is no inspiration or motivation here. Don't contradict me.

A summary of work: your training is about covering our own asses. We don't care about you. We only care about you to the extent that you are profitable. But you have to act like you care deeply about us.

Even if you do a little job for someone - mowing a lawn or whatever. You're fulfilling a basic need, and getting a simple reward, but there's such an awkwardness in the money transaction. Yet our jobs summarise our entire personhood - he's a shop assistant, she's a lawyer, he's unemployed.

I'm always thinking, I'll find a job that suits me.. that doesn't take years of college.. And I sit in front of a computer and procrastinate, or occasionally have an "episode". Or just sit there, paralysed.

I do hobbies. I occasionally try and do creative stuff, but I usually feel guilty and end up doing what I've described in the previous paragraph.

Can I solve this problem? Maybe I can't. And it's hard to ask for help. And other people's advice tends to be wildly inappropriate anyway.


I guess I rejected society at quite a young age, partly because much of society rejected me. You probably know the story: kid is unhappy at school, gets bullied, grades go down, teachers start to dislike kid, meanwhile kid's parents are miserable and fighting all the time, kid retreats into fantasy world.

School ended ten years ago. But still, that program is running in my mind - despise authority, life is bleak and pointless, do not comply!

I can make new programs, but I've still got that one running away, like a trojan horse or whatever. Maybe blaming past miseries is a mistake. Maybe my problems are innate, or merely exacerbated by bad experiences.

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