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floatingtree
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Right...

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:16 pm

I think this week started off fairly well... Now it's not so good. It's possible that all it took to trigger me was a look from someone I know. It seemed like he was judging me. I can logically argue that it might have been something completely unrelated which made him look like this. If he was judging me, I can say, what right does he have to judge me etc., but still, here I am, angry and miserable.

I suppose another factor which might be triggering me that my friends are much more successful than I am. I seem to have an epic case of status anxiety. There's always some social event ahead which I'm dreading - weddings, seeing relatives, parties, whatever.

Even friends who aren't successful at the moment can usually look back and say, when I was doing such-and-such I had a really good time. As for me, I think I was happy for about two months when I started college. It was a fool's paradise. I have a huge aversion to doing what I'm told in the scholarly environment of fear and self-righteousness. Therefore it's almost impossible to make an effort and of course I eventually dropped out.

Yet another triggering factor is my eternal quest to do some kind of job that doesn't contribute to my misery! Just trying to change my life brings on waves of despair (melodramatic, me?).

A "friend" of mine is behaving like a you-know-what. He'll make a nasty comment about me, nearly always when other people are around, in a horrible tone of voice. I've taken action by being passive aggressive! If he makes one more comment like this, he's totally out of my life for ever. Did I mention I'm one of his groomsmen in his wedding next year?

Back in the real world, I applied for some voluntary work but I haven't heard anything yet. I dunno.

One thing that consoles me is that one day I'll be dead! I have no fear of death whatsoever. But I fear crappy social events and rubbish like that..

Okay, I'm going to make the dinner while listening to some self-help stuff. It sounds good when I'm in an okay mood. Let's see what it's like when I'm miserable.

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Day 1

Permanent Linkby floatingtree on Sat Sep 22, 2012 1:53 pm

I made a blog entry a few weeks ago but when I submitted it there was a problem and the
entry was lost in cyberspace. So this is going in a word processor first and the website second...

I can be a fairly contented guy a lot of the time. My problems are anger, rage and depression.
They get triggered by certain things. Certain things about the world of work are a big trigger, as
are things about the world of formal education, and just some general things that most people
probably never notice or think about.

Some things are hard to talk about, aren't they? Even on this relatively anonymous forum.
Sometimes I can talk about difficult things to friendly strangers, or people I hardly ever see.

I'm considering taking some time out to do some voluntary work in a different country.
This WILL trigger me. I did this around the same time last year and it was an emotional
rollercoaster, good and bad, and sometimes I acted like I was bipolar (maybe I am, but I don't
think so).

Still, you have to get outside your (dis)comfort zone, don't you? Normally I work in the family
business (a very humble business), which doesn't really suit me at all.

Anyway, this blog is a start. See you along the road.

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