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exul
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
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Making sense
   Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:56 pm
Found out about somebody
   Fri Apr 05, 2019 10:47 pm

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Making sense

Permanent Linkby exul on Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:56 pm

I love when things make sense.

I always, always kept asking myself what was wrong with my mind. Why things that were seemingly so common were so foreign to me, so ugly and so extremely simple that were almost complicated. From when I was in elementary school I did know what it meant to have a crush on someone, for example. But acting on it was something completely out of my reality.

I would try, but a force always pulled me back. I was always alone. Had friends, sort of, but was so volatile that they didn't know what to do with me at some point. I changed too quickly for them. And it was true. The force pulling me back prevented me from living most of my adolescence, and preadolescence. My childhood, I just remember it with me being alone and talking with my imagination. Reading, and being lonely. But it was okay. I never knew what it meant to be lonely, and I still don't know because it is almost too normal for me. The people pulling me back, I still don't know why they do it.
Like I don't know why my inner beliefs are that the world is dangerous, that people can't be trusted, and that I'm evil.
It all seems totally out of the blue, and this is the main reason why I love to dig into my past. It's like time travel. But I never have images, photos, or anything about specific periods of time that I would like to know more about.
Anything could have happened to me, at any time. Nobody was ever attentively watching me. And I wasn't watching myself, as well. I was left to myself, and the people inside my head apparently observed everything for me. I always believed and talked with my angel that tuned out to be the Guardian. While with Nico, I suspect it was that someone, that something, that I always kept near me. It was a toy, then an imaginary friend, then an obsession, and then he became what he is now.

And they were the ones that always held me back. Grown men to just keep me from whatever could distract me from protecting myself. They wanted them all away from us. Or at least, at a distance. Not just to protect me, but us in general. That's why relationships never even began. That's why I always sabotaged every good relationship in my life. That's why I always cut bridges with anyone as soon as possible. And that's why the more people became close to me, the more I treated them like garbage. All my life I always wandered about what love means, why it was so important for other people. I still don't know the answer, but now I know why I ask that question.

It honestly feels so good to realize it all now.

One day maybe this will be over, but right now I'm just content with the fact that they probably are here, and that we live together as a whole. Not an integrated whole, but a system. And giving up on romance seems so easy, now that I know that it's for us. There's nothing wrong with me. My mind has made itself like this because it needed to, and I accept it. I just need to do things for our greater good from now on.

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Found out about somebody

Permanent Linkby exul on Fri Apr 05, 2019 10:47 pm

I'll write here since I'm feeling like I wrote too much on the forum already and I might bother someone, and this is not related to the therapy sessions.

Last time I asked my best friend to guide me through a sort of investigation searching in my mind to indentify the precise localization of the others' voices. I closed my eyes, and he began calling them all by name, just to see if they will respond, and from where in my brain.
I managed to call majority of them and obtain some replies, and to localize them, until at a certain point I heard a voice I've never heard before, an that didn't seem familiar at all.
The conversation went pretty much with me asking the voice who they were, and they answering me that it didn't matter, because I wasn't supposed to know who they were. I just knew they were a male and young voice, maybe a teenager. I'm sort of synesthetic, so I could see his color, and it was sort of a yellowy orange, which I've never seen in the others. He wouldn't tell me his name, but he seems to be a pretty sarcastic personality. He made me laugh a lot despite it all. I really couldn't see how he looked like, and this is really the first time this happened. Towards the end, I could hear his voice so clearly and for so long that I was extremely sure it wasn't me who was talking. I couldn't make him stop or go away, which is extremely rare. I don't know how, but I accidentally saw him when I wasn't supposed to. I saw how he looked like, and when he realized I noticed him pancking. He is indeed pretty young, and looked like a teenager, but pretty different from everyone in the system. Blonde hair (nobody has them apart from a little), green eyes (again, nobody has them), and freckles. I then stopped talking to him to draw him in case I'll forget his face, and he kept commenting on what I was doing so much it became annoying. Even useless things like "Look at how much pencils you're using!" or "Look at the circles!" or simply mumbling stuff or singing. It was so annoying for all the time it lasted. I was glad it happens so rarely to me, but it definitely was a weird experience, since I don't know who he is. He just seems connected to Xavier for some reason, which we found out later, went sort of dormant for weeks without me realizing. He was pretty confused when he came back that same night, telling my best friend that he didn't know why he was gone for so long.

Apart from this, the guy ironically told me he's called John. I know it's not true, he told me that just because I kept asking who he was.

This happened a week ago. Never heard from him again til now.

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Summary of us, updated

Permanent Linkby exul on Sat Mar 09, 2019 12:55 am

Since I'm contemplating not writing here anymore, with my new diagnosis that made me think twice about it all, I'm making this as a form of update just to leave this here in case I'll be back and I'll have found out something else.
So, last time I checked, there are around 15 of us, including the host that won't be described here.

Jason (the Guardian) is I think the only gatekeeper, and he doesn't come out often at all. He has a sort of fixation with cleaning, and seems to have problems with empathy or general emotions. Despite this, he is extremely polite and precise. He regulates words really well and is very practical. He's anxious about many things, and is not comfortable deviating from the routine at all. He has limited range of emotions and expressions, and is very suspicious of others. Despite this, he identifies as an higher being (specifically an angel), so he feels the need to unconditionally help and be caring and compassionate towards anyone he encounters. His appereance is that of a 40 year old man.
He works with Nico, that is the primary protector. He basically has all the symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder, so he doesn't really feel much if at all, has no interest in relationships, usually has problems feeling empathy, he is constantly fatigued and sometimes suffers from alogia (he finds it extremely hard to talk, so he just goes non-verbal, or gives monosyllabic answers). He gets irritated easily, but he doesn't experience anger. He's sort of almost always present in the back, and usually finds it really easy to come forward. From what we know, he used to present as a wolf, or a dog. Now his appearance is that of a 30ish years old male. He and Jason always help each other out and have a deeper connection with one another. Neither of them experiences attraction, so they just consider themselves as having a platonically extremely strong bond.
Then there are the brothers: JR and Xavier. JR, from what we know, is a protector that has been dormant for many years. He and the others agreed in locking him up in a cell in the inner world for some reason. He came forward the first time when I (host) found out about the others. He used to have very violent impulses and urges, but they slowly got better with time.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

He smokes, while majority of the others (especially the host) doesn't like it at all. He started smoking as a way to cope with his destructive impulses. He wanted to try drugs at some point, but since the others all strongly disapproved, he turned to self-harm instead. He doesn't to it because he feels like he's suffering. He just does it because the sight of gore is really soothing for him, as it is the sight of general violence. He's pretty sadistic, and gets angry and irritated very easily.

*END*

He, despite this, seems to be a very controlled person. He loves formal and vintage male clothing, and has refined taste in food. He doesn't eat most of the time (that's why he's extremely skinny), but if he does, then it's just food that he consideres of high quality (he says). I think I almost never saw him eat outside. He also likes cooking and cleaning. Music is another for of expression for him. He almost always listens to his music, which consists in mostly Japanese music, when he's out. He seems really connected to Japanese culture (the body was born and raised for a few years in Japan, so maybe that's why). We tought he wasn't a human alter at first, because of some characteristics like pointy ears and him being too detached from the typical human emotions, but he just told us that he's technically human. He just doesn't care about others' emotions, and feels mostly like an outsider when he's out. He considers the vast majority of people as less intelligent than him, so he doesn't really engage in conversation often, if at all. He presents like a 27 years old male.
Xavier is his little brother. They don't like each other, probably because they're completely different from each other....

[ Continued ]

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Maybe I'm just lonely

Permanent Linkby exul on Wed Jul 25, 2018 10:28 pm

***trigger warning: possible strong denial, mentions of medical trauma, emotional abuse and neglect, description of triggers***

I'm really starting to think I'm making this up. I'm probably just an hypochondriac who reads too much into meaningless events or things. I never had proofs of anything, if not some small bad things happening.
I really shouldn't write this here since this will probably be full of triggers, so if I should remove this someone let me know.

Since my mum's post-partum depression and my dad's absence, then to the medical procedure which I only remember with rage and from which I unsuccessfully tried to avoid every single hospital/doctor and despised everything that wasn't under my control, then to the bullies in middle school and my dad's permanent absence and/or carelessness with my mum's insults and coldness and, again, her depression. These are all too common things, along with the recurrent nightmares and insomnia, and the many imaginary friends and imaginary world. Maybe a little more rough or odd than others' experiences, but these cannot possibly have made me so fragmented and scattered. Nobody ever continuously beat me, nor did other physical things. Not that I remember. Nobody ever starved me. I always had a full plate, a healthy body, good personality, and a roof above my head.
But then there's that strange physical feeling which I'm not able to explain, and there's the disgust and fear when I kiss people, or when I know they're thinking about be in a certain way. Then the identity issues, the discomfort when someone thinks about me as a girl. And then, there are the screaming thoughts in my head that call me and others in that horrible ways and do not go away.
Nobody could ever hurt me, right? There should've been signs of that happening. There must've been signs, I must've told something.
I do not have blackouts or flashbacks, and if I do or seem like having them, I bet there's a logic explanation for all of them. I'm with all probability just pretending because I feel lonely and I don't want to live in the real world, so I created this sort of fixation that I have people in my head.

I just wish someone would just tell me. I'm so tired of all these years being like this. I struggle just to get through the day and I'll never have the answers I need because it's all made up in my head. No proofs, nothing. I really should stop calling this a disorder.
And stop thinking I'm ill or something.
I'm just a weird kid. Weird and lonely, probably just pretty anxious kid.

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Summary of myself/us

Permanent Linkby exul on Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:16 pm

I've decided to make an introduction of what I think I can now consider my DID system.
I still don't know why I'm doing this, but I think that writing this entry will make me feel more origanized and maybe will help with the internal organization.
I don't think I can say I'm self-diagnosing, because I still don't think I (being too young and not an expert on the matter) have the right to give a name to my experience which is not being confirmed by a professional yet. However, the reason why I decided to accept the probability I have a Dissociative Disorder and a system, is because I'm tired of hearing negative thoughts and emotions when someone (internal or external) tells me I (we) do not exist, and tired to not have an explanation for all that's happened (and keeps happening) to me.
Since I decided to collaborate with the others, everyone seems to enjoy their existence more and more. Everyone has still their problems and struggles, but I think that now we seem to be finally able to live somehow peacefully, without having to continuously discuss with one another and/or trying to silence or ignore eachother.
Since I (we) decided to acknowledge the possible multiplicity, I (we)'ve been so much better I can't even explain it. I never thought years of pain and confusion could get better with simple acceptance and sort-of communication.
I'm (we're) still afraid of what's yet to come. But I hope that we'll get through this too; we were all too tired of the previous situation.

So yes, for now, I (the host) am aware of 11 of us.
I personally named some of us to facilitate communication, but not all identify with a name. Some of us are non-human, and some of us are introjects, even if it's still very hard for those few to think of themselves that way. They don't like the fact that they seem to be a copy of some characteristics of fictional characters; mostly because they feel very different from those characters, and they had originally another form from what I know.

But anyways, we are:

The Guardian (given name: Jason) / age: (appearance) 40s - (actual) 2.000+ / gender: Has no gender, sees himself as an Angel / role: surely a Protector and Gatekeeper, probably main Internal Organizer

Nico / age: 27 - 30 / gender: Male / role: main Protector, helps Jason with the organization, he's the Controller

Xavier / age: 15 - 17 / gender: both Male and Female (often goes by masculine pronouns anyway) / role: Sexual alter (Protector), Teen, JR's little brother

JR / 25 - 27 / gender: he's some sort of goblin or sprite, so he doesn't really care about gender at all (usually goes by masculine/neutral pronouns) / role: Protector (sort of Persecutor, but I don't like to call him that), maybe one of the trauma holders, Xavier's big brother

?? (given name: Calm) / age: (appearance) 20 - 30 - (actual) Unknown / gender: has no gender, they're some sort of ghost (uses feminine or neutral pronouns) / role: maybe Emotional Part, or observer and Informator

Miles / age: 8 - 15 (think he's an age-slider) / gender: Male / role: Little/Teen, one of the Trauma Holders

Girl (given name: Ari) / age: 5 - 7 / gender: Female / role: Little

Benedict / age: 40 - 45 / gender: Male / role: Internal Helper (takes care of the organization and all the littles), maybe a Protector

Nathan / age: 25 - 30 / gender: Male / role: maybe Protector ?, I don't know him well, but he's the though and funny guy

Y / age: 2.000+ / gender: doesn't have one / role: Unknown yet

?? (given name: Shadow) / age: Unknown / gender: Unknown (probably Male) / role: Unknown, but JR knows him

These are the ones which I'm aware of by now. Some say there are others somewhere, but I never saw them or interacted with them, so I don't really know.
But this is all, for now.

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